The Ripening

These twisted tales will really keep you up at night.

flickr/Mackenzie Greer

All of the avocados Sarah O’Donnell just got for $1 each on sale at Whole Foods suddenly turn brown at the same time.

The Summoning

Cam Cameron is summoned by a judge for penalties on 54 parking tickets. Alejandro Iñárritu directs yet another stunning one-take film.

The Sexting

A man asks a woman online how she is. She responds, “I’m great, how are you?” The Wi-Fi cuts out just as he sends her a picture of his erect penis.

Mouth

For Danny Gill, what was supposed to be a night of reckless, rampant sex turns deadly when he discovers hot sorority sister Jenny Jiang has a secret: Real words come out of her mouth. She has already embedded lethal feminist thoughts into the minds of 40 men, and he is her next victim.

A Nightmare on Frat Row

Two white guys go in search for the perfect party and don’t end up losing their virginities. Jesse Eisenberg and Robert De Niro star.

A Nightmare on Bedford Avenue

Cal Rodriguez finds his Brooklyn walkup haunted by the ghost of his ex-girlfriend. Except wait — she’s not a ghost. She’s real. She never moved out because apartments in New York are too expensive and they agreed to keep splitting the rent, but now it’s awkward because she’s hooking up with this other dude.

The Concealing

A man wakes up one morning and finds that his lover has removed her makeup and become a grotesque kitchen cabinet with hands for legs. What he thought was a beautiful woman with a smooth complexion was actually just a piece of furniture wearing an inch of concealer.

A Nightmare on Frat Row: Part II

It’s Super Bowl weekend. A huge blizzard shuts down every liquor store and wing place in Urbana-Champaign. After the second hour, the men of the U of I’s Sigma Chi frat become rabid and turn on each other. When the police break down their doors on Monday, they find only spilled protein powder, a soiled American flag, and a digested can of Keystone Light.

The Purge: Part II

A young woman arrives at the University of Oklahoma and chugs a Solo cup of Everclear, thinking it’s water. What’s more: It was enchiladas night in the dining hall that same day.

The Settling

Lina and Drew Crawford move into their newlywed home. But something’s up. The house creaks. The wind blows. Lina realizes Drew is a dumb piece of shit and she should have married that hot Bolivian guy from study abroad.

12 Years A Dave

Richard Linklater follows Dave, an average Plano, Texas telemarketer, from the ages of 24 to 36.

The Capturing

Janine Robertson has the night of her life. When she awakes, however, she is horrified to see that while intoxicated she posted not one, not two, but 37 badly lit unedited selfies on Instagram. She would delete them, but they have a decent amount of likes.

The Comforting

The world’s girlfriends all begin crying at once. Their boyfriends react. Some pat them on the back. Some scream at them to stop crying. Some go turn on the TV and drink a beer. The world ends.

The Awakening

A balding, middle-aged man wakes up in his studio in Queens. He rides the train to work. He eats a BLT. He catches up on House of Cards. A horrific, three-hour tour-de-force.

Illustrations by Katie Tandy

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