In the current social climate of the #MeToo movement, men are under siege. We really have it rough; all of a sudden we have to think about, like, what we say, how we’re perceived, and if we’re safe. Who lives like that?! At this point we’re lucky if we dominate just 99% of corporate culture, politics, and the world at large. It’s like we’re barely running everything anymore.

It’s not even safe for nice guys who make an innocent mistake with an unconscious lady friend. Did you know that in almost .0067% of sexual misconduct cases, dudes have had to start their WHOLE lives over? They have nothing but the clothes on their back, their privilege, and an extensive network of other privileged men to help them get by!

If you find yourself on the wrong side of a sexual misconduct accusation, use this helpful list of predator-friendly careers to get back on your feet:

• Become CEO of a company

• Become CFO of a company

• Become COO of a company

• Become an accountant

• Become a lawyer

• Become a financial planner

• Become a professional athlete

• Become an HR executive

• Become a marketing executive

• Become anything ending in “executive”

• Become a dog trainer

• Become a coach for olympians

• Become a hollywood director

• Become a hollywood producer

• Become a professional actor

• Become a professional comedian

• Become a professional musician

• Become a professional at whatever you were doing before just at a slightly different company

• Run for president

• Run for senate

• Run for governor

• Run for mayor

• Run for any political office you haven’t already run for; a simple change in title goes a long way toward making people forget you might’ve been a creep

• Start your own chapter of MPAT (Male Predators Alone Together)

• Start your own human trafficking group

• Start your own neo-nazi organization

• Join an emerging group of white entrepreneurs called “terrorists”

• Take some time to reflect and educate yourself on your own privilege. Open up a dialogue with those who can help illuminate it for you to start healing your broken point of vi…HAHAHA, just kidding! What a waste of time!

• If you’re really backed into a corner, take a deep breath…and just continue living your life like it didn’t happen. With some luck you’ll still have tons of privilege to coast on the rest of your days.

And don’t forget, it’s totally reasonable to be bitter. When you’re having a bad day find solace in the fact that your gender still controls more money, power, and influence than ANY WOMAN, EVER! Whew.