Milwaukee, WI — Tensions arose on the UW Milwaukee campus over a controversial guest that came to speak on the campus to students yesterday.

Famed YouTuber and self-proclaimed “Meat-Variety” activist Tim Munchin was invited to speak at Culinary Hall at 7:30 pm by the college’s Students for Dietary Freedom chapter.

“Munchin’s appearance today gives voice to those who have been marginalized due to our society’s pervasive culture of political correctness,” said SDF leader Bobby Vittles to us yesterday.

“The idea of ‘every human life being sacred’ is nothing more than a PETA-leftist conspiracy theory to limit dietary freedom. Some humans are not meant to live. Some are meant to be tasty culinary dishes instead. College students tend to get hungry often, and sometimes ramen noodles do not suffice. Not everyone is a vegetarian, hippies!”

While some welcomed Munchin’s presence on campus, others were angered and shocked by the University’s decision to give a platform to someone they believed to be an advocate for the normalization of cannibalism.

Outside the Culinary Hall, students organized a March Against Cannibalism rally against the speaker. They say they organized the protest in solidarity with students that have been targeted as potential culinary victims on campus and now live in fear for their own lives.

“HOW THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE TREATING THIS SHIT LIKE IT’S NORMAL?” Proclaimed Michael Sane, Co-Founder of Students Against Flesh Eaters (SAFE), the group that organized the demonstration against the speaker last night. “DO PEOPLE NOT REALIZE THAT IF YOU ARE SUGGESTING EATING OTHER HUMANS AS A VIABLE DIETARY ALTERNATIVE THAT YOU ARE ADVOCATING FOR CANNIBALISM?!”

Munchin spoke to the press an hour before taking the stage. He negated a lot of the criticisms against his controversial philosophy of meat variety advocacy.

“Meat Variety activism is often misunderstood and misinterpreted as cannibalism. I do not advocate for cannibalism. I only advocate for human flesh being a viable protein source for those who get bored with our nation’s politically correct dietary options. Social justice warriors and PETA-leftists are always going to be triggered by views different than their own.”

Attendees of the event varied in political ideology. One such individual attendee was Becki Smith, a sophomore Media Communications student who spoke to us after the event. She said she wasn’t immediately convinced that human meat should be a viable dietary option, but she is still thinking about it.

“I had seen a few YouTube videos of Munchin’s, and the first time I heard of his advocacy for a variety of protein options to include human meat, I was like, ‘Eww! Gross! Who would want to eat human beings?’ However, after thinking about it more deeply, I realized I might have internalized societal pressure to care more about human beings than for free thought or personal autonomy ya know?”

When it came to the protesters, she did not have many kind words to say.
“I can’t understand what the big deal is,” she snorted.

“College is not suppose to be a ‘safe-space’. It’s meant to challenge you on your ideas — and in this case, your diet. These Social Justice Warriors are acting as if the college allowed a Neo-Nazi to come on campus or something. Just because your feelings got hurt due to someone calling you ‘potentially delicious’ doesn’t mean you get to throw a fucking temper tantrum and try to shut down free speech.”

“People do not understand the particular danger that they are putting other people in by allowing this to happen,” Sandra Blanket told the University’s student paper, Puddle Weekly.

“This is not about being a meat lover or a vegetarian/vegan. This is not about PETA. Heck I fucking HATE PETA. NOBODY likes PETA, not even most vegans. Stop using that as a political smear tactic against us. We have valid concerns that we are trying to raise. Munchin’s rhetoric is more than just words. Can American Citizens have different diets? Of course! It’s a free country, this is not about that. This is about the not-so-fine line between being a meat lover and being a straight up sick fuck that kills people for food.”

During the event Munchin argued that the act of consuming human meat is nothing new nor abnormal. “Humans eating human meat has existed in our country and around the world for more than 400 years!” Munchin bellowed to the crowd. “The Settlers of Jamestown, The Donner Party, even Jeffrey Dahmer were judged out of context!”

The crowd cheered.

“It’s OK to have variety! Munchin cheered back. “Protein variety is good! MEAT VARIETY IS GOOD!”

The protest and march against the speaker is also in response to a reported rise in incidences involving students’ body parts that have gone missing without consent, mainly fingers and toes. They believe speakers like Munchin and those who share his views is what’s contributed to this rash of violence.

“Like I said, to call these incidences ‘cannibalism’ is absurd. To advocate for cannibalism is to advocate for murder. I do not advocate for murder. I only advocate for human body parts being available to consume. I offer the suggestion that if students get hungry and meatless options do not suffice, they can seek out alternative sources of protein; this may be from progressive body volunteers, body farms, etc. I have on good authority that this ‘rash of violence’ on campus is just more fear-mongering. Every part that’s gone missing was volunteered—offered up consensually. Don’t let the crazy PETA-leftists interested in restricting dietary freedom and forcing a vegetarian agenda down our throats tell you otherwise.”

But Sam Wheeler, a senior theater major at UW, says otherwise. He claims a hooded figure came into his room late on Wednesday night, ripped back the covers, and lopped off three toes on each foot before he could “even scream.”

Wheeler maintains that his aggressor thanked him on behalf of Munchin and “alt-meats” everywhere before leaving him to crawl his way to his desk where he called the health center.

“I am not one of those vegetarian/Vegan leftists,” Wheeler insisted. “But this was far from consensual. How could I have even been asked—it was 4 in the morning, I was asleep! Me speaking out against Munchin is not based on a ‘Vegetarian agenda’ — you don’t have to be a vegetarian or vegan to oppose this violent nonsense, period.”

His testimony is as follows:

I thought Munchin, Vittles and others like them were just good men who loved meat just as much as I do. I was wrong. They are nutcases. I should have known. I should have opposed him way before he and others started munching on the toes of me and others, but I am opposing him now. He does not represent me as a meat-lover nor does Vittles or any of the SDF or as a meat lover. Taking people’s body parts against their will is wrong. This is happening in Munchin’s name and he needs to put a stop to it. I would like to make that clear.

The controversy around the incidences have left many meat-lovers split on the issue of meat-variety activism in general. While some remain repulsed and angry like Wheeler, many attendees of the speaking event felt differently. Dumi Boyman, a freshmen Exercise Science major, was one such individual.

“You know I am really sorry that dude had to go through that. It seriously must suck for a grown man to have to crawl on his hands like a baby again. However, he needs to not freak out and chill. Just because there are a lot of incidences of missing body parts on students doesn’t mean that there is an epidemic of cannibalism or anything. I think these protestors are a little too obsessed with cannibalism, and I think that makes them the real cannibals if you ask me.”

Only time will tell what will transpire; the debate on college campuses between expanding dietary freedom and preventing what protesters would call “sick, fucked up shit” is an ongoing and vital dialogue with no end in sight.

Until then, both sides can only agree on one thing: Nobody likes PETA.

Milwaukee, WI — Tensions arose on the UW Milwaukee campus over a controversial guest that came to speak on the campus to students yesterday.

Famed YouTuber and self-proclaimed “Meat-Variety” activist Tim Munchin was invited to speak at Culinary Hall at 7:30 pm by the college’s Students for Dietary Freedom chapter.

“Munchin’s appearance today gives voice to those who have been marginalized due to our society’s pervasive culture of political correctness,” said SDF leader Bobby Vittles to us yesterday.

“The idea of ‘every human life being sacred’ is nothing more than a PETA-leftist conspiracy theory to limit dietary freedom. Some humans are not meant to live. Some are meant to be tasty culinary dishes instead. College students tend to get hungry often, and sometimes ramen noodles do not suffice. Not everyone is a vegetarian, hippies!”

While some welcomed Munchin’s presence on campus, others were angered and shocked by the University’s decision to give a platform to someone they believed to be an advocate for the normalization of cannibalism.

Outside the Culinary Hall, students organized a March Against Cannibalism rally against the speaker. They say they organized the protest in solidarity with students that have been targeted as potential culinary victims on campus and now live in fear for their own lives.

“HOW THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE TREATING THIS SHIT LIKE IT’S NORMAL?” Proclaimed Michael Sane, Co-Founder of Students Against Flesh Eaters (SAFE), the group that organized the demonstration against the speaker last night. “DO PEOPLE NOT REALIZE THAT IF YOU ARE SUGGESTING EATING OTHER HUMANS AS A VIABLE DIETARY ALTERNATIVE THAT YOU ARE ADVOCATING FOR CANNIBALISM?!”

Munchin spoke to the press an hour before taking the stage. He negated a lot of the criticisms against his controversial philosophy of meat variety advocacy.

“Meat Variety activism is often misunderstood and misinterpreted as cannibalism. I do not advocate for cannibalism. I only advocate for human flesh being a viable protein source for those who get bored with our nation’s politically correct dietary options. Social justice warriors and PETA-leftists are always going to be triggered by views different than their own.”

Attendees of the event varied in political ideology. One such individual attendee was Becki Smith, a sophomore Media Communications student who spoke to us after the event. She said she wasn’t immediately convinced that human meat should be a viable dietary option, but she is still thinking about it.

“I had seen a few YouTube videos of Munchin’s, and the first time I heard of his advocacy for a variety of protein options to include human meat, I was like, ‘Eww! Gross! Who would want to eat human beings?’ However, after thinking about it more deeply, I realized I might have internalized societal pressure to care more about human beings than for free thought or personal autonomy ya know?”

When it came to the protesters, she did not have many kind words to say.
“I can’t understand what the big deal is,” she snorted.

“College is not suppose to be a ‘safe-space’. It’s meant to challenge you on your ideas — and in this case, your diet. These Social Justice Warriors are acting as if the college allowed a Neo-Nazi to come on campus or something. Just because your feelings got hurt due to someone calling you ‘potentially delicious’ doesn’t mean you get to throw a fucking temper tantrum and try to shut down free speech.”

“People do not understand the particular danger that they are putting other people in by allowing this to happen,” Sandra Blanket told the University’s student paper, Puddle Weekly.

“This is not about being a meat lover or a vegetarian/vegan. This is not about PETA. Heck I fucking HATE PETA. NOBODY likes PETA, not even most vegans. Stop using that as a political smear tactic against us. We have valid concerns that we are trying to raise. Munchin’s rhetoric is more than just words. Can American Citizens have different diets? Of course! It’s a free country, this is not about that. This is about the not-so-fine line between being a meat lover and being a straight up sick fuck that kills people for food.”

During the event Munchin argued that the act of consuming human meat is nothing new nor abnormal. “Humans eating human meat has existed in our country and around the world for more than 400 years!” Munchin bellowed to the crowd. “The Settlers of Jamestown, The Donner Party, even Jeffrey Dahmer were judged out of context!”

The crowd cheered.

“It’s OK to have variety! Munchin cheered back. “Protein variety is good! MEAT VARIETY IS GOOD!”

The protest and march against the speaker is also in response to a reported rise in incidences involving students’ body parts that have gone missing without consent, mainly fingers and toes. They believe speakers like Munchin and those who share his views is what’s contributed to this rash of violence.

“Like I said, to call these incidences ‘cannibalism’ is absurd. To advocate for cannibalism is to advocate for murder. I do not advocate for murder. I only advocate for human body parts being available to consume. I offer the suggestion that if students get hungry and meatless options do not suffice, they can seek out alternative sources of protein; this may be from progressive body volunteers, body farms, etc. I have on good authority that this ‘rash of violence’ on campus is just more fear-mongering. Every part that’s gone missing was volunteered—offered up consensually. Don’t let the crazy PETA-leftists interested in restricting dietary freedom and forcing a vegetarian agenda down our throats tell you otherwise.”

But Sam Wheeler, a senior theater major at UW, says otherwise. He claims a hooded figure came into his room late on Wednesday night, ripped back the covers, and lopped off three toes on each foot before he could “even scream.”

Wheeler maintains that his aggressor thanked him on behalf of Munchin and “alt-meats” everywhere before leaving him to crawl his way to his desk where he called the health center.

“I am not one of those vegetarian/Vegan leftists,” Wheeler insisted. “But this was far from consensual. How could I have even been asked—it was 4 in the morning, I was asleep! Me speaking out against Munchin is not based on a ‘Vegetarian agenda’ — you don’t have to be a vegetarian or vegan to oppose this violent nonsense, period.”

His testimony is as follows:

I thought Munchin, Vittles and others like them were just good men who loved meat just as much as I do. I was wrong. They are nutcases. I should have known. I should have opposed him way before he and others started munching on the toes of me and others, but I am opposing him now. He does not represent me as a meat-lover nor does Vittles or any of the SDF or as a meat lover. Taking people’s body parts against their will is wrong. This is happening in Munchin’s name and he needs to put a stop to it. I would like to make that clear.

The controversy around the incidences have left many meat-lovers split on the issue of meat-variety activism in general. While some remain repulsed and angry like Wheeler, many attendees of the speaking event felt differently. Dumi Boyman, a freshmen Exercise Science major, was one such individual.

“You know I am really sorry that dude had to go through that. It seriously must suck for a grown man to have to crawl on his hands like a baby again. However, he needs to not freak out and chill. Just because there are a lot of incidences of missing body parts on students doesn’t mean that there is an epidemic of cannibalism or anything. I think these protestors are a little too obsessed with cannibalism, and I think that makes them the real cannibals if you ask me.”

Only time will tell what will transpire; the debate on college campuses between expanding dietary freedom and preventing what protesters would call “sick, fucked up shit” is an ongoing and vital dialogue with no end in sight.

Until then, both sides can only agree on one thing: Nobody likes PETA.