With FREE SPEECH Act, Trump Fights Hostile Press To Make America Great!
The momentous Act authorizes only the most truthful reports about the president’s words and activities, which are very impressive.
NEW YORK, JANUARY 8, 2021 — President Donald Trump, the humble but bold New Yorker who will be remembered for uniting a broken country in crisis, was inaugurated in front of record crowds on January 20, 2017. That much, of course, everyone knows — you don’t have to have passed the rigorous qualifying examination for the National Registry of Patriotic Citizens to know that Mr. Trump’s was the largest inauguration in American history.
But when future historians take a closer look at the remarkable 45th commander-in-chief, they may just rule that Trump’s presidency didn’t truly begin until the late fall of 2017, when the formidable leader of the crumbling American democratic experiment finally reigned in a hostile and derisive press that for decades had been allowed to publish nearly anything under the guise of “freedom of the press.”
Speaking in his beautifully appointed Trump Tower penthouse, from which he is anxious to begin a second term bringing peace and prosperity to the American people, President Trump looks, if anything, younger than he did those long four years ago when he first deployed his legendary business acumen to strike the historic deal that would secure America’s future, and wrest it away from the cold clutches of smug, liberal propagandists. Looking out on the shimmering skyscrapers of the nation’s new capitol — Mr. Trump has little patience for the Beltway elitism of the DC swamp — the president muses on the early beginnings of what would become known as the FREE SPEECH Act — Fundamental Right to Examine and Expel Specious Press Engaged in Excessive Criticism and Haters.
“You really have to give me credit,” Trump says, puttering around the room with the gameful grace of a man half his age. Before the president took decisive action to ensure that hard-working, patriotic American officials had a right to ensure the accuracy of press reports on the activities and interests of the government, he said, “[the press] were able to write whatever they wanted to write.”
The president muses on the early beginnings of what would become known as the FREE SPEECH Act — Fundamental Right to Examine and Expel Specious Press Engaged in Excessive Criticism and Haters.
“It’s frankly disgusting,” Trump says, shaking his head as he remembers the months of agonizing tete-a-tetes with unscrupulous reporters who lacked regard not only for the office of the president, but for the president himself, often publishing blatant lies meant to make the fierce new leader appear weak-willed and egotistical. In addition to their many appalling claims about “irreversible” climate change and “deadly” firearms, the press alarmingly insisted that President Trump’s inaugural crowd was not many times larger than that of his scandal-plagued predecessor, Hussein Obama, and that the now-disgraced television presenter Mika Brzezinski, a lying liar, had not once been bleeding badly from the face at a New Year’s Eve party.
Before the FREE SPEECH Act, the president was forced to resort to communicating directly with the people over “Twitter” — the social network that would later become part of a first-of-its-kind exclusive nationwide broadcasting platform allowing patriotic Americans to talk openly about their support for our great country and our beautiful anthem without fear of repercussions from liberal snowflakes. During those first heartbreaking months of his presidency, Mr. Trump found himself unable to release a statement to the fake news media without hearing his beautiful words twisted into false lies. It wasn’t long until President Trump realized, with heretofore unparalleled clarity, that the country’s communications licensing structure could be retooled to authorize only the most truthful reports of the president’s words and activities, which were very impressive and deserving of a great deal of respect — and yet, so often, received none at all.
It was this stroke of genius that started a nationwide, extremely bipartisan revolution against a wildly unregulated media landscape, with freedom-loving citizens crying out from coast to coast for better news about the real President Trump — not divisive coverage centering criticism from sad detractors desperate to distract the public from their own awful decisions to be impacted by hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and other natural disasters from which they would have been protected if they had not chosen to be so very poor.
It was a troubling time for the president, and he knew the American people deserved better than to witness these partisan attacks on his administration while at the same time seeing disturbing sports broadcasts showing kneeling football players disrespecting the brave American armed forces and the gorgeous American flag, attempting to hide under the cover of unsubstantiated claims about so-called “racism,” an awful scourge that our great Republican president Abraham Lincoln expunged from America more than 150 years ago.
Amid this terrifying manifestation of civil unrest, the then-vice president, Michael Pence, traveled to see his own hometown team play, only to be shocked and repulsed by sight of even more ungrateful, kneeling athletes with no class whatsoever.
In retrospect, Mr. Pence has said, that moment in Indiana was when he knew that the FREE SPEECH Act was a go. He knew, then, that the real American people, who worked too hard to have their Sundays briefly interrupted by the suggestion that racism exists, must be spared from this scene, in many cases broadcast into unsuspecting living rooms, in full view of impressionable children who could be exposed to this dangerous and anti-democratic demonstration of what some identity politics groups attempted to legitimize as “political dissent.”
“I think the president had the right idea,” says incoming Vice President Paul Ryan, who worked tirelessly with Constitutional advocates from the National Rifle Association, Focus on the Family, the Susan B. Anthony List, and others to educate initially skeptical left-leaning lawmakers on the tremendous benefits of a well-regulated media. After a few initial bumps and opposition from small cells of disorganized losers, the Act landed on the president’s desk within months. At the official signing, Trump beamed his signature smile, noting that the day was “huge.”
The rest, of course, is history — including Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch’s historic tie-breaking ruling that cemented these common-sense restrictions on anti-government communications into the fabric of America’s strong legal protections for democracy. The FREE SPEECH Act ruling ushered in an era of unprecedented expansion of American freedoms, striking down the oppressive Voting Rights Act in its entirety and finally allowing the American people to demonstrate their citizenship before voting, as well as ending the long battle over “contraception” coverage that had required employer-citizens to fund the tiny but powerful baby-killing pills that had relegated American women to the workplace, where their failure to thrive nearly laid waste to the American family as we know it.
Trump, ever the coy dealmaker, is reluctant to share too much about his plans for his exciting second term, but he did hint that the signature legislation of the next four years will be about bringing the country together “even more,” in a “huge” way: once and for all ending the contentious party system that has been a source of dangerous ideological schisms since the country’s inception.
“We’re going to make America even greater,” says Trump, idly spinning a gold-plated paperweight in the shape of a truck emoji. “It’s going to be so great. You won’t even recognize it.”