By The Bad Advisor

“My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie’s boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she’s in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn’t ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?”

— Via “Dear Prudence,” Slate, 6 September 2017

Dear Mom,

It’s generous of you to want to involve your daughter in her own wedding, but if she’s not going to ensure that this event does not have any unsightly local limping women in it, she needs to relinquish the big decisions. This is as much your wedding as it is anyone else’s — more so, really, because you had a baby one time. What has your daughter done besides literally be the reason for this whole shebang? Sadly, it sounds like your daughter values the lifelong relationship she has built with Katie more than she values her mother’s approval of a temporary matrimonial tableau.

It is a shame that she won’t stick Katie in the corner because you don’t like the way she walks, but weddings mean different things to different people. Your daughter obviously believes that her day is about surrounding herself with people she loves, rather than about recruiting whoever is available to traipse down the aisle without a gait that you personally find distracting. Hers is not a particularly tasteful approach, of course, but it’s the one she’s chosen instead of casting aside her closest friend because you find Katie’s body so repulsive that the mere sight of it will permanently mar the day in your memories forever.

Beauty only comes in a limited range of sizes, colors, and abilities, and anyone who falls outside that range is prone to destroying weddings, which don’t count unless everyone involved looks like they jumped out of the placeholder in a JC Penney picture frame. Your daughter’s wholesale disregard for shallow sociocultural imperatives that tell people they are worthless unless they conform to the physical standards of manufactured normativity is cute, but this isn’t a gathering of her nearest and dearest in celebration of a milestone that has nothing whatsoever to do with how anybody looks. It’s a wedding, for chrissakes! Not some kind of familial bonding ritual, and if it doesn’t mimic a goddamned Modern Bride spread, what is the point? Eternal love and mutual affinity between and among people who aren’t singularly concerned with your approval at every turn? Please.

We all do the best we can by our children, but some apples fall very, very far from the tree. Through no fault of your own, you simply got a child who grew up to love and appreciate people for who they are, rather than for what really matters — whether you feel that they can walk across a church looking like they came out of central bridal catalog casting.

“A few months ago, after an increasing amount of silence on her end, an old friend told me she didn’t want to be friends anymore. So I backed off. I found out from a mutual friend that she’s now engaged. I feel like I can’t let this event go unacknowledged. Would it be wrong of me to send a card of congratulations and a gift?

I have no expectations that this will rekindle our friendship; I just want her to know I’m happy for her and still thinking of her.”

— Via “Old Friend,” Carolyn Hax, Washington Post, 23 August 2017

Dear Old Friend,

Newly engaged people have so little going on, and so few people interested in their lives, that they often welcome any spare demands for their attention that others can offer. Your situation is a little more nuanced since this lady 100% told you to lay the fuck off, but there’s no reason not to offer this person an opportunity to experience the opposite of the thing she expressly told you she did not want — a friendly relationship with you.

It’s hard to say why she’d want to cut off contact with someone whose instincts guide them to deliberately disregard the express wishes of others, but it’s great that you’re so selflessly willing to give her a chance to think about you thinking about her even after she specifically told you that she didn’t care to be friends with you, specifically.

I mean, what are you supposed to do here? Respect the fact that this woman explicitly told you that she does not desire your company or communication, or go to not-insubstantial lengths to make her aware that you have positive feelings about her upcoming nuptials? Is she supposed to go the rest of her life just not ever knowing whether you, someone she unequivocally said that she did not have a mutual affinity for, feels pretty good about her engagement?

What kind of life would that be, really, to live day after day, year after year, decade after decade, not knowing that somebody you didn’t really like all that much was glad you got married? So few people will be offering this lady their thoughts about her engagement, it’s important to make sure she knows that at least your feelings still matter.

Bad Advice On Asking A Woman Out When She’s Dating Someone Else

“I just finished my sophomore year of college. For the summer, I got a three-month internship at a company that does work in the field I am getting my degree in and want to work in after I graduate. This was my second job, after the internship somewhere else I had last summer. I was hoping to get some good experience like last summer.

I was paired with the same person for two-thirds of the work I was doing. She has lots of skills, but I noticed when she types she uses the caps-lock key each time she needed to make a capital letter instead of using the shift key. She is only five years older than me, and she is very good with technology and computers. I didn’t understand why she would type this way, because even though she does type fast and efficiently, using the caps-lock key would slow her down. I mentioned it to her and even showed her, and she said she had no idea but she would keep on using the caps-lock key.

I thought she just needed to see how efficient it was so when I was using her computer I disabled the caps-lock key. She was very upset when she found out that it didn’t work and I explained what I did and why she should give the shift key a chance. She complained to the manager, and even though I was just trying to make things more efficient, the manager sided with her and I was let go a month into my internship. HR sided with her too when I went to them. I’m confused because I was only trying to help and make things more efficient. Did I really do something wrong or did the company overreact?”

— Via “Ask A Manager,” 17 July 2017

Dear Intern,

As long as you’re “only trying to help,” you can do literally anything! Good intentions are all that matters in the world, and the effects of your actions are entirely irrelevant. This company obviously doesn’t know how to handle itself professionally when a world-class efficiency expert such as yourself walks through the front door. It’s very likely they were intimidated by how efficient you are. In the future, just keep fucking with other people’s shit no matter what. It will be an extremely efficient way to bring your efficiency message to a great number of different employers.

By The Bad Advisor

“We host an annual reunion for my husband’s family. His brother, an avid runner, has a voracious appetite. When he comes, he finishes almost everything we put out. Once, he ate five servings of salmon for lunch! My husband prefers that we simply count him as three people when we prepare food for the party. I would rather speak to him. Is it proper to comment on his intake?”

— From “Anonymous” via Social Q’s, New York Times, 3 August 2017

Dear Anonymous,

There can be no greater insult than the voracious consumption of one’s cuisinical hospitality. It is not only proper to evaluate and comment on the food intake of other humans, it is imperative that you do so, lest other humans continue to consume an amount of food that you, the world’s grand arbiter of caloric intake, deem inappropriate.

You and you alone are the objective judge of the correct amount of food other people should eat, and only a thorough dressing-down about eating habits can save people like your brother-in-law from the cruel fate that otherwise awaits them: gastronomic satiation on their own terms, right in front of your deeply offended personal interpretation of how other people’s bodies work.

Adults in particular long for their relationship to food to be analyzed and commented upon by others, and often receive criticism about said relationship with grace and aplomb. Speaking to this man about his disgusting appreciation for your cooking will undoubtedly result in this man enthusiastically consuming less — possibly none — of your food, bringing joy and goodwill to the entire family.

“My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. From the get-go, we have had open communication and my girlfriends have advised me to ‘make your own relationship rules,’ and we do.

This leads into some age-old issues. He pays for most of our dates, but sometimes I take him out. I feel that it is only fair for me to show him my appreciation. I also open my own car door and sometimes hold the door for him when walking into a building. I find nothing wrong with any of this.

My parents feel that he should be opening all car and building doors for me, as well as paying for any and all meals and activities.

They say this shows that he wants to take care of me and that he puts me first. They say I should expect this of him.

I feel that how we handle paying for dates is our choice. What is wrong with holding my own door, or holding a door for him? We are equals in this relationship.

It surprises me that my parents are so adamant about this. My mom has raised her daughters to be strong and independent, but now she is expecting me to be ‘meek’ and to expect a man to take care of trivial tasks.

We will be adhering to these ‘rules’ when around my parents, to not make waves.

Do you think this is the right thing to do?”

—From “Happy” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 1 August 2017

Dear Happy,

Putting on a protracted and potentially lifelong bit of play-acting based on arbitrarily designated socioculturally enforced gender roles in front of your parents is a reasonable and affirmatively agent way to confirm your independence in your relationship and establish you and your partner’s mutual roles as equals. Nothing will go wrong and this will cause you no stress whatsoever. Great idea!

Bad Advice On Debaucherous Bachelor Parties And Delicate Gun Owners

“Most everyone appears to be fighting over politics these days, and there’s even in-fighting within each side. Will it ever stop?”

—From “BAFFLED IN THE EAST” via “Dear Abby,” 28 July 2017

Dear Baffled,

Quibbles large and small over various political issues are a new and confusing phenomenon, unique to the current political climate. There is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that, historically speaking, humans have waged elaborate and often murderous campaigns in order to assert their political and social dominance over others. What uncertain times we inhabit! Would that the European colonizers of the American continent (so named, happily and without objection from the native peoples) could time travel to this day and age to teach us their high-spirited tactics of genocidal politesse.

Further amazement, of course, results from the inexplicable disagreements that people have with others who agree with them on some things. Everyone who agrees on one thing ought, by default, to agree with everyone else on the other thing, which is why there was no such thing as intra-religious or intra-party strife until a few months ago.

Mayhap a 16th century Pope could lend his wisdom on the perpetuation of unquestioned unity between mutually self-ascribed members of a group of believers! But good news: Humanity’s entirely pacific ancestors shall soon rise from their bucolic graves to teach us some manners, resulting in a return to the amenable days of yore, before people started getting all uppity about being treated like shit.

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

Pixabay

By The Bad Advisor

“I have an interesting question for you. Is it sexual harassment if a female supervisor at work calls a male employee ‘Honey?’”

—From “PETER IN SOUTH CAROLINA” via “Dear Abby,” 22 February 2017

Dear Peter in South Carolina,

First of all, allow me to thank you for bringing this fascinating quandary to my attention. It’s always refreshing to be asked to chart heretofore unexplored territory and probe new questions, such as this one on the subject of reverse sexism, a novel and fascinating concept of your own discovery. But, to your inquiry: The answer is yes. (And please, give my best wishes to the guys back at r/fedoras.)

“My daughter has been dating a very nice guy and is quite happy. But I hear him swearing frequently, especially when it concerns work or sports. While I am not a prude, neither am I comfortable listening to it. I have tried to react with comments such as ‘Oh, that’s lousy.’ Any advice on how to clean up the conversation?”

— From “M.D. / Boston” via “Miss Conduct,” Boston Globe, 3 March 2017

Dear M.D.,

Today’s young people require the careful guidance that only a good scold about their inappropriate language can offer. Otherwise they may fall victim to their own mixed-up priorities, putting things such as human kindness and their own personal happiness before settling on what really matters: a partner who does not say cusses. A grown man doing swears when expressing himself about his workplace is shocking enough, but to befoul the delicate world of popular sport with unsavory language is an offense beyond measure. Due to the static nature of language and humanity’s tendency not to experience cultural change over time, some words are simply objectively bad, and the sooner this man gets a thorough haranguing about it, the better. You will probably find that, in addition to creating an unforgettable connection between the two of you, policing the language of a grown adult will have the added benefit of reducing the overall number of words you hear from this dirty boy.

Bad Advice On Berating People While They Shower

“I’m a 28-year-old television news producer in Atlanta, and I met a guy (a creative director at an ad agency) two weeks ago in a bar. We had fantastic chemistry. After dancing half the night, we went back to my place. It all felt so good until he took his shirt off. I ran my hand over his back, and he was covered in large moles! I got seriously turned off, couldn’t touch him, couldn’t even look at him. I said we were moving ‘too fast’ and asked him to put his shirt back on.

He stayed the night, so basically we made out. I have to admit I was not impressed with the way he kissed. In the morning, I just wanted him out of my bed. Frankly, I was desperate to get him out of my apartment. Okay, he was a lousy kisser and his moles got to me, but my question is: It’s been 13 days, so why haven’t I heard from him? What went wrong? I thought he liked me! Why hasn’t he called?”

—From “Crazy, Stupid Crush” via “Ask E. Jean,” Elle, 7 March 2017

Dear Crazy, Stupid Crush,

Who can know what would compel someone not to seek out contact with a person who was physically repulsed by them? We may as well ask where a rainbow begins, or how many grains of sand there are under the ocean. That this man did not return to you begging for further rejection is a dark stain upon his character, and demonstrative of the extent to which he misunderstands his role as a helpless lapdog who ought to be glad — downright grateful — to beg for the attention of a person who finds him deeply unappealing. After all, he has moles; it’s not like he’s a whole human being with a rich interior life, hopes, desires, and personal preferences around which he is entitled to build a satisfying social circle comprised of people who enjoy and appreciate his presence.

Who can know what would compel someone not to seek out contact with a person who was physically repulsed by them?

You are the pinnacle of human perfection, flawless and captivating, and so it is up to you to decide when someone you admittedly loathe is allowed to leave you alone. You and you alone are permitted to decide that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with another person; everyone else must fulfill their obligation to be enamored of you regardless of the way you treat them, whether you enjoy their company or would even piss on them to put out a fire should they find themselves ablaze in your general vicinity.

Do not let another 13 days go by without demanding this man explain himself. In detail.

]]> https://theestablishment.co/bad-advice-on-vengeful-wedding-debauchery-60390df55495/ Tue, 13 Dec 2016 17:44:57 +0000 https://theestablishment.co/?p=6259 Read more]]> Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

“I married my husband seven years ago.

A close girlfriend of mine was one of my bridesmaids. She got ridiculously drunk at my wedding. She ran around the dance floor like an idiot. She hit on one of my husband’s married friends in front of his wife. She threw up in the bathroom, and one of my aunts had to take her car keys away.

It makes me sick to watch my wedding video because she is everywhere, acting like an idiot. Now she is engaged and planning her wedding, and I feel like I should get stupid-wasted (or act stupid-wasted) at her wedding so she can feel all the hell she put me through.

My husband is not interested in going to her wedding because of her actions at our wedding. He wants to RSVP that we will not be attending and send a card with money, but if I am going to give her a card with money, then I should go to the reception and act like an a — .

What are your thoughts?”

-From “Disturbed” via Ask Amy, Washington Post, 24 November 2016

Dear Disturbed,

It seems a real waste to hold on to a seven-year grudge about someone else’s decision to make themselves look like a complete tool for nothing. Here you have saved up all of this non-refundable ire toward someone you call a “friend,” building anniversary after anniversary of anger, and for what? Simply to let go the chicanery of yore in favor of freeing yourself from a lifetime of resentment based on a few hours’ worth of bad dancing and failed passes to which you have tied the very ruination of your marital memories? Phooey!

We are all the exact same people we were seven years ago; no one has changed or matured in that time, and the memory of your friend’s performance at your wedding is as fresh in everyone else’s mind as it is in yours, which is why your plan to act like a publicly drunken clod as retribution for one evening of poor decision-making is positively foolproof. Everyone at your friend’s wedding will completely understand that the topless woman throwing champagne glasses at the DJ is simply out for bald revenge, as any reasonable person would be, and not really throwing champagne glasses at the DJ, a thing only unreasonable people would really do, and not just ironically do, as you shall.

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We are all the exact same people we were seven years ago.
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Your brilliant plan will be appreciated by all the guests. They will greatly enjoy the patient explanations you will give to all of them for your behavior, lest they think you’re an actual drunk asshole instead of a sober asshole pretending to be a drunken asshole. Everyone will think you charming and cool and see this decision as a very positive reflection on your excellent character, which they will understand to be superior to the bride’s based on your elaborate act of retaliatory subterfuge, a totally chill and normal thing to do.

“We rarely get a response from grandchildren to whom we send carefully selected gifts. I have concluded that it is mostly due to a pathetic lack of manners.

Children need to be trained to express appreciation for what is given to them, and the irony is that emailing is so quick and easy. The pervasive disappearance of even the most basic manners and consideration for others is cheapening our quality of life and sadly breeding some low-class citizens. Good manners are nothing more than the oil that lubricates human interaction.”

-From “Disgusted in Florida” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” 10 December 2016

Dear Disgusted,

Your awful shitbag grandchildren are the fucking worst. They’re ungrateful assholes who actively choose, day after day, not to teach themselves the basic blasted manners their grandparents want them to have. If they weren’t such low-life scumbags, they’d go right the fuck out and buy a goddamned copy of some Emily Post shit and read the fuck up about how to thank the hell out of their gracious and thoughtful grandparents, who have the nicest manners of any people who ever lived, and definitely nicer manners than the assball progeny of your own children, for whose manner-teaching abilities you bear no responsibility whatsoever.

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Your awful shitbag grandchildren are the fucking worst.
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“My live-in boyfriend has not exactly proposed, but he has been dropping hints about ‘looking at rings,’ etc. So I was surprised when I came home with a few things from a bridal expo and he shouted that I was ‘rushing’ him into marriage. Now I’m considering ending it. Thoughts?”

-From “Wannabe Bride” via “Ask E. Jean,” Elle, 9 December 2016

Dear Wannabe Bride,

Thoughts, indeed, are all one can have in this situation, wherein two people may or may not be willing to marry each other and may or may not be on the same romantic timeline and may or may not be ready to obtain wedding-related purchases in the service of the marriage-slash-wedding they are thinking (maybe) about.

The last thing one wants to do when one is considering hitching up one’s legal, financial, and emotional well-being to another human for the rest of one’s life is to have a frank and honest conversation about what the future holds. Instead, potential spouses must engage (before they are engaged) in the delicate art of hint-dropping, mind-reading, and yelling about coupons for buy one, get-one-free wedding DJ services. Only this way can romance — the classical experience of hoping and assuming your intended feels anything like the way you do, or the way you think they do — truly flourish.

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Potential spouses must engage in the delicate art of hint-dropping.
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No one wants to feed friends and family the unsavory story that mutual agreement and loving consent preceded their nuptials. Imagine, years down the road, the embarrassment of telling one’s children that Mummy and Duds were once young, in love, and capable of discussing their feelings with one another. No, the best you can do, Wannabe Bride, is simply continue to want — or, of course, end the relationship, which is the universe’s only other alternative to desiring to grow old and die with the dude.