“Dear Annie: I just received an invitation for a ‘Father-To-Be’ shower for a friend who will be a first-time dad. The mother-to-be is hosting the party, and she has three children from two previous relationships.

Is this a new thing? Showers for men? I have absolutely no intention of going unless you tell me I am wrong.”

-From “Outraged Friend” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” 23 October 2016

Dear Outraged Friend,

The Bad Advisor has really heard some whoppers over the years, but the idea that men ought to have any involvement with the production of children that extends beyond their genetic contribution is distasteful in the extreme. Is there anything more foul than the scoundrel who takes an interest in the rearing of his offspring? The awful question, of course, answers itself. Encouraging men to participate in parenthood is a disgusting and abhorrent proposition that should be extinguished immediately by the righteous indignance of fine people such as yourself. These rogue reprobates who find fatherhood appealing must be stopped and you are brave to take a stance against this vile practice of paternal enthusiasm.

“I posted this on a more specific subforum, but we felt responses from those not part of the lifestyle would also benefit. My wife and I have been together for 25 years now, married for 20. Our oldest is turning 18, and we have a 16 and 13 year old as well. Our daughters are the youngest and oldest, our son is the middle child.

It has been a cuckolding relationship and we are still active in our lifestyle (this means that I enjoy my wife taking multiple partners). The point of interest is that I have only fathered our youngest child; we sought out suitable men for our interest in breeding (slang for her being impregnated by her partners) and decided it was something we wanted.

We had however agreed to tell our children about it when they were old enough. I have recently discovered this forum, so I wanted to ask any opinions you might have on this matter. This is important information for any child to know about their biological parentage I believe, but I can also understand that this may severely strain our relationship with them. I welcome your opinions on this matter, and if there are any other.

tl;dr: Requesting your advice on telling/whether to tell our eldest children that their biological fathers are different men through consent, as a part of our lifestyle.”

-From Reddit, r/relationships, April 2016

Dear Reader,

What an edifying letter! Not only has the Bad Advisor learned a new slang term for sexual reproduction — breeding! Brilliant, and entirely original — but she’s entertaining a wholly new concept: the idea that children should not be informed of the most minute machinations of their parents’ sex lives. The Bad Advisor admits, she is miffed that you’re even considering withholding this fascinating and necessary information from the children you brought into this world in the service of your boner, the most interesting thing on the planet.

Don’t all children dream of finding out what gets Daddy’s flag a-waving and Mommy’s waves a-crashing? Are there children who yet walk the earth today who don’t know the specific sexual fantasies of which they are the result? Does the average American not lovingly craft mobiles telling the beautiful story of sweet, sweet parental fucking — tiny edible underwear, twirling ass-paddles, frilly handcuffs? Your teenagers are desperate to know every imaginable detail of their conception, up to and including the fact that their very existence is itself a fun sex game for Mom and Dad.

“My husband works at a restaurant, I caught that he was having an affair with one of his coworkers. I saw all their text messages and confirmed some of it from their friends. Though I don’t know if they have a sexual relationship, I do know that they were hiding it from me and the coworker’s husband (part of the messages were ‘delete this conversation’ or ‘you can’t text me right now because I’m at home’). I confronted my husband.

After three days, the girl texted me saying she was sorry, but of course I replied angrily and told her was going to tell her husband, to which she replied that if I wanted to fight, she’s down and she’ll be waiting for me at the restaurant. I told the business owner, but he did not do anything about it. I was pregnant at that time. After some time, I went to the restaurant to eat and drink a little. We got into an argument outside and she pulled my hair and I pulled hers as well.

Can my husband be terminated because of that? It was his day off that day, and he was not there. Can she file charges against me because she’s saying I provoked her? Or can I file charges against her because I am still a customer when I was there and not just an employee’s wife?”

-From “Ask A Manager,” 11 October 2016

Dear Reader,

The Bad Advisor has some very good news for you: Your command of the legal system is unparalleled in its accuracy. Employment and labor law can be extremely nuanced, and many people spend decades learning its complexities. But you’ve got it exactly right: You can file charges against the woman you attacked because you once availed yourself of the services her employer provides. Had you merely been acting in the capacity of the wife of her coworker, you’d have no standing here. But if I’m reading this correctly, it says here in Section 4.05, Chapter 9.09, subsections B-F of the U.S. Code of Shit You Are Definitely Allowed To Do that “It’s totally cool if you get into a physical altercation with your husband’s coworker as long as you bought some tasty apps beforehand.”

Now, had you merely attempted to beat the shit out of this woman without ordering those sweet, saucy buh-buh-buh-buh-babybacks ahead of time, you’d be in somewhat hotter water. But the way the law works is, if you’re a customer at an establishment, you can do literally anything to anyone who works at said establishment, including assault them for something your husband did, and the authorities can do fuck-all about it. That is one thousand percent the way the American criminal justice system works, without question. As a paying customer, you can just kick, punch, and pull the piss out of any employee anywhere.

That’s where that saying “You break it, you buy it!” comes from, though it’s been sadly mangled over the years — it means that if you buy anything, you can break the person who sold it to you. Shop at a store, wail on the cashier. Eat at a place, fuck up the waiters. Get your taxes done, punch some accountants. Freshen up your hairdo, lay waste to a stylist. The law affords instant and permanent immunity to anyone for any crime as long as an exchange of goods and services has been made. To do otherwise would be downright un-American.