I t’s going to be a great year, but your house looks horrible. It’s time to change your lifestyle habits by decluttering! You know what was cluttered? The trenches in World War I. Do you want your house to look like that? I didn’t think so.

My suggestions will help you to transform your home into a tidy space of good luck, well-being, and hashtag gratitude so you can be hashtag blessed. If you don’t throw out at least 20 jumbo trash bags by the end of this process, I have nothing to say to your materialistic ass.

Erroneous conventional approaches have failed you in the past, which is why you’re surrounded by everyday objects that do not spark joy — like your alarm clock and toilet. It’s time for a new take on organizing.

You’re welcome.

Your Porch

Start at the threshold to your home, a space of tranquil tranquility. (If you don’t have a porch, you have obviously not made the right kinds of life decisions.) Porch swings take up a lot of space with their swinging-back-and-forth-ness. Take yours down and hack it up into firewood. If your newspaper has been delivered, throw it away.

Your Backyard

Your garden is the most cluttering feature of your backyard. Examine your plants and cut away any space-hogging flowers. Get rid of leafy greens, which are bloated beyond belief. Is your garden overrun by ladybugs? If so, gather them up and toss them over the fence into your neighbor’s yard.

Your Living Room

This is your social space, so you want it to say: I have control over my home and, by extension, my shaky but alcohol-regulated mental health. Consider swapping out your sofa for a smaller park bench. If you have a fish tank, pour out the water. Water is cluttering. Throw away family photos, especially of anyone who is dead.

Your Bookshelves

Most people’s bookshelves hold countless books that they have not read. Make a pile of these books on your front lawn, and then douse them in gasoline and light them on fire. You’ll find this cleansing in a medieval sort of way.

Your Children (If Relevant)

Children are untidy. Relocate them.

Your Kitchen Cupboards

Ask yourself: do you ever really cook? If not, toss out all your pots and pans and resolve to live on Pad Thai takeout until you die.

Your Freezer

Is your freezer starting to look like Jeffrey Dahmer’s? Time to tidy those frozen peas. Take out that Jolly Green Giant bag, pour the peas onto your kitchen counter, and examine each one carefully, asking yourself: Do I need this particular pea in my life? If not, press it into your ear canal.

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Your Dining Room

Your dining room is where you host your friends and people you don’t particularly like but are obligated, for professional reasons, to have over. Don’t embarrass yourself with your shameful materialism. Do you have more dishes than you need? Throw them into your fireplace in dramatic fashion and leave them for your invisible maid to clean up.

Your Bedroom

You want your bedroom to be a place of peace and calm — a retreat from the stresses of the outside world, like your boss and ISIS. Pick up each object in this room, and if you do not spontaneously climax while holding it in your hand, throw it out the window.

Your Closet

This is probably the most disorganized space in your disgusting home. Imagine that your house is burning down, and you only have three minutes to save the clothing that is most important to you. Stay focused: you can’t save your family or your cat named Cappuccino. You can only save a few select blouses and perhaps a sensible pair of pumps.

Your Spouse (If Relevant)

Take a long, hard look at him or her and ask yourself: Does this person warrant the space (s)he takes up? Trial separation is the ultimate way to tidy.

Your Home Office

Your office’s clutter culprit is your desk, which is no doubt littered with vile traces of labor. You need a storage solution. Pack up all of your papers and files, drive them to the nearest nature reserve, and dump them in a pristine waterway.

Your Bathroom

Your bathroom is filled with things you don’t need, including soap and your toothbrush. Throw over personal hygiene in favor of a streamlined space. You may offend people with your stench, but then they won’t come over and clutter up your home, so two birds, right?