It’s been nearly two months now since the “adult content” ban went into effect on Tumblr, but a handful of key things have not changed.

On December 17, 2018, Tumblr officially outlawed all content considered to be pornography in order to comply with the SESTA/FOSTA laws—laws that are allegedly supposed to combat human trafficking, but instead just make life exponentially more difficult and dangerous for sex workers.

According to a former employee, Tumblr’s new policy was influenced by the fact it had such a massive child pornography problem that Apple removed the Tumblr app from its stores, but the machinations were were already in motion months earlier due to the fact that Verizon—the parent company that owns Tumblr—couldn’t sell ads next to all that porn.

The first thing that any Tumblr user will tell you about the result of this ban is either that there are just as many porn bots on the social media platform as ever or that there are just as many Nazis. All the porn bot creators had to do was change the language their bots used and/or tag posts with “sfw” (safe for work) to avoid the wrath of the wildly ineffective, thrown-together auto-flagging program. Meanwhile, the average Tumblr user has had to put up with posts getting flagged when they have absolutely zero sexual content, but apparently have something in them that looks like a “female-presenting nipple” to a poorly-constructed algorithm.

Many users vowed to leave Tumblr when the ban was announced, and many did. Sex workers and body positivity blogs in particular have been affected. I myself have been on Tumblr since 2012 and credit the communities there for my education in everything from white privilege to non-binary genders to fat positivity. That last issue is of special interest to me as a woman who has gone from being thin or at least “not fat” in 2012 to being solidly fat today in 2019.

Like many people, I gained weight in my 20s due to a natural change in metabolism that happens to the vast majority of humans. Today, at 210 pounds and (almost) 5’5”, I’m a size 16, which is actually the average U.S. pant size for cis women. However, I am “obese” according to my BMI and my hanging belly and double chin would have me labeled as such by any of the mainstream news networks who love to panic about the so-called “obesity epidemic” in America.

I don’t have to tell you that it’s hard to be a fat woman in this country, and increasingly in many other countries around the world. Over the years I’ve experienced a stark difference in the way I’m treated by loved ones and strangers alike, not to mention by myself. Confronting the hateful voice in my head—placed there by a profoundly fat-phobic society—has been one of the greatest challenges of my 20s.

My biggest support in this battle against self-hatred has been other fat women. If it wasn’t for Tumblr, I don’t know where I would have found such a strong community around loving and accepting the body you have, at any size. Part of learning that acceptance has been viewing fat, naked bodies.

Even before the “adult content” ban, I didn’t see much nudity on my Tumblr dashboard, pornographic or not. But most of what I saw was people sharing their naked bodies in a celebratory manner. Whether they were dim, blurry selfies or professional photo shoots, Tumblr users exposed me to naked trans bodies, naked bodies of color, naked non-binary bodies, and naked fat bodies. Sometimes all at once. All were wonderful, and all worked to support those marginalized people who were left out of magazines, ads, and even mainstream pornography.

“Look, these bodies exist too, and they’re beautiful,” said every naked nipple, no matter the gender of the person they were attached to. For me, the fat bodies were a wonderful comfort, and I hoped to some day gain the courage to display my own fat naked body, unashamed, to help other women like myself learn to love and accept themselves.

Now I can’t. And since December 17, 2018, I don’t see naked fat bodies anymore. Ever. Tumblr was the only place I saw them before that date. Where else can I find them? I certainly tried Googling “fat naked bodies” for this article, and you can imagine what I found. Pornography featuring fat women is nearly always fetishized, which is not what I’m looking for. And I don’t want to have to wade through any kind of porn site in order to see a body like mine. I miss being able to see those bodies casually, unexpectedly, on Tumblr, as though it were as normal as a video of a cat batting things off of a counter.

And it’s not just full nudity. Due to the terrible quality of Tumblr’s nipple-detecting program, any photo containing something that looks round and fleshy tends to get flagged. I don’t even see fat bodies in bras and panties anymore. It doesn’t help that many of the body-positive blogs that posted these photos left Tumblr out of protest or because they knew their blogs wouldn’t be able to function anymore.

I reached out to three fellow fat women who had fat-positive Tumblr pages or used a Tumblr blog to promote their sex work to find out how they’re doing and/or where they are now.

Satine La Belle

Satine La Belle, a sex worker who uses multiple social media platforms to sell nude photos of herself for income, has been the most affected. She abandoned her Tumblr account once the “adult content” ban went into effect because she felt like it would be a waste of time to continue, especially with how overzealous the nudity-detecting program is.

“I felt like there was no point in having another platform where I would have to risk my hard work if there was anything sexual, whether that was a nipple or just sex positive sentiments,” she said.

Nearly all of Satine La Belle’s content on Tumblr was flagged before the ban even officially went into effect, including some of the content she used for her livelihood.

“I released a nude that is normally only for purchase on Tumblr before the change for my fans. It was flagged right away and I notified Tumblr about being able to have titties out until the 17th. It was then no longer flagged for a little bit.”

Predictably, the ban has had an impact on La Belle’s ability to make money as a sex worker, and she’s had difficulty making that up on other platforms.

“It has gone alright for me, but I have found it much more difficult to find clients on Twitter then I had on Tumblr. I think it is because Tumblr was a great safe space for nudity, nude art, porn, etc. Since it was more normalized there it was easy to find clients who knew what they wanted and were ready to pay.”

Satine La Belle is on Twitter, Instagram, and DeviantArt. You can also send her some money on her Ko-fi account.

Bec Mae Scully

Bec Mae Scully is the owner of the body-positive Tumblr blog Chubby Bunnies, which was hit so hard by the ban that the entire blog is now hidden behind a content warning. Attempting to go directly to the blog lands you on a page that says “This Tumblr may contain sensitive media,” then directs you to your dashboard where you can view it on the right-hand sidebar. If you don’t have a Tumblr account, you can’t view it at all.

Chubby Bunnies boasts a couple hundred thousand followers and has been a very active account for 10 years. Since the ban went into effect, Tumblring just hasn’t been the same for Scully.

“The ban has affected my interaction with followers a great deal,” she told me. “With close to a couple of hundred thousand followers who would usually be interactive daily with submissions, likes and reblogs have now disappeared.”

The lack of interaction has saddened Scully, but it also interferes with her ability to help the people that Chubby Bunnies is reaching out to.

“As silly as it might sound to some, Tumblr in a lot of ways saved my life,” said Scully. “At least 6 beautiful souls have said that because of the blog it helped them not end their life.”

Interaction with followers isn’t the only part of Scully’s blog that was disrupted by the ban.

“I didn’t make any money off the blog, but had recently been trying to put things in place so I could make a business out of it. When the ban came through it’s put it all on hold.”

Not only that, but the ban almost utterly wiped her blog out.

“At first 99.99% [of Chubby Bunnies’ content] had been removed. Then some of the content came back, and most of it is flagged, including my profile picture which was a caricature of me with mermaid hair covering my ‘female-presenting nipples’ that they seem to have such a problem with.”

The “adult content” ban is supposed to have exceptions for artistic expression and content used to make a political statement. Unfortunately, their flagging software has been wildly unsuccessful in make these distinctions. Users have to appeal every individual post flagged in order to get actual human eyes on the post. When your flagged posts number in the thousands, it creates a problem.

Chubby Bunnies is a Tumblr-exclusive blog, but Bec Mae Scully has many beautiful photos on her Instagram account if you’re lucky enough to be friends with her.

Amisha Treat

Even a Tumblr blog that focuses on fat positivity without showing a lot of skin, like Fat Girls Doing Things, has been affected by the “adult content” ban.

“The ban has mostly been just annoying for me, there isn’t a lot of ‘adult content’ on the blog so in that regard I haven’t had a ton to deal with,” says Amisha Treat, owner of FGDT. (Fat Girls Doing Things.)  “It has however reduced the amount of interaction and submissions happening, which is very disappointing, but I get why that is happening.”

Treat also talked about her constant efforts to block porn bots and blogs, which often target body positive blogs to steal images.

“It has done nothing to reduce the number of porn blogs that follow,” Treat told me. “In fact, it has made it harder to identify which ones are [porn bots] because their icon and posts are blocked so I can’t always confirm if I should block or not.”

Although the FGDT community is still largely intact, Treat is concerned that things will get worse. Unfortunately, there are no social media platforms out there that are quite like Tumblr.

“I have had to spend time trying to find another platform in case the ban continues as is, which is proving to be very difficult in terms of finding a site that allows easy interaction and submission availability.”

Fat Girls doing things also has a Facebook page, an Instagram, and a Twitter account.

In spite of widespread dissatisfaction with the “adult content” ban, Tumblr has given no indication that they plan to change the policy, and the flagging program has not improved. I myself have had two posts recently flagged — one classical nude painting and one that contained no nudity at all. I appealed both successfully.

Unfortunately, nothing is likely to change until the reason for the ban, the SESTA/FOSTA laws, are changed or repealed. Sex workers are leading the efforts to make this happen, but due to massive and widespread whorephobia in the U.S. and abroad, few are listening despite the fact that the laws have already been credited for the assault and murder of multiple full-service sex workers.

I’m lucky the ban’s effect on me has been comparatively mild. But I think about all the young women out there who are or are becoming fat who won’t have the same community support and access to unfiltered, unfetishized images of naked fat bodies. Eating disorders and the self-hatred and depression caused by our society’s intense fat-phobia have killed many and will kill many more. The hindering of a formerly indispensable tool in the fight against the stigma and hatred of fatness is nothing short of a tragedy.

I didn’t expect to snap at such a good friend. There was so much I should’ve told him, and I didn’t. It brewed for years, bitter as oversteeped tea.

We’d been talking so often — three, four, five times a week, for three or four hours at a time. His heart had been shattered, and he was wracked with hurt even years later, fresh as the day it happened.

We’d been talking over the same few questions for weeks that turned to months, months to years. Meanwhile, my life was changing shape, its new contours emerging from a murky before. So many things were happening, and there was never room for them — only for him.

I had only just realized how frustrated I’d become when the phone rang.

“She just texted me,” he said, launching in as soon as he heard the click of my pickup. “I don’t know what to do.” My brain, buzzing and popping with the overcharged electricity of irritation, suddenly burnt out.

“How are you,” I said sharply, voice shaking with irritation.

“I’m a little messed up,” he answered.

“No, you ask me.”

“What?”

The floodgates opened. I loosed a torrent, my frustration finally boiling over. Nearly everything in my life had changed, I told him, and he hadn’t even asked.

So many things were happening, and there was never room for them — only for him.
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I had never gotten so angry with a friend, never snapped like that. My reaction had been mystifyingly disproportionate, uncharacteristically harsh. I sat with it for days, replaying the call over and over, its invasive species overgrowing my molding mind. It took me weeks to diagnose my downfall.

He hadn’t asked. But even in years’ worth of lulls in our conversation, in all our interstices, I hadn’t spoken up, either.

Despite my best intentions, I so easily slid into a role that was laid out for me. I became a vacant vessel set aside for others’ use, ready to be filled and emptied at will. In this friendship, I existed nearly exclusively in service to my friend. If he needed to empty himself, I was there to catch the fullest parts. If he needed filling up, I was brimming with his heart, his needs, his wants, and none of my own. I had made myself into a vast emptiness, only and always to be filled by him.

I had slipped into the role of the Fat Friend. I was a plot device to further someone else’s story; the road for others to walk upon. Even in my own life, I made myself a footnote.

I learned to be the Fat Friend over so many years. I learned it from the only fat women I’d ever seen on screen — the ones who acted as midwives to thin women’s pain. Whose only motivation was straight desperation, longing for thin or muscular men as a punchline. Whose only path had been worn down by the heavy footfall of so many fat women before them.

The fat women in comedies who only offered punchy one-liners and snappy comebacks, but rarely had lives of their own. The imagined fat women in Norbit and Road Trip, whose voracious desire made them a punchline, who taught me that no personal life at all was preferable to one that was ridiculed so openly. The empowered fat women in movies like Pitch Perfect, who made sharp jokes and showed so little vulnerability, so little reflection of anything human. The fat women on screen who only and always acted as ushers to thin people’s lives, feelings, needs — the realer stuff that was only afforded by smaller bodies. Movie after movie showed fat women written to be the background, our presence only justified by the glorious foregrounding of thin leads.

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The fat women I knew and loved, who learned to live as ghosts. Whose lives could not be imagined, only papered over. Whose brightest moments were in desperation. Whose hearts were laid bare under glass, there to be examined and analyzed, but never to be touched, never held. The fat women who disappeared into wallpaper, plain as gesso — a colorless texture to serve the pigment that would follow. Never the star, never a subplot. Empty as a galaxy and desolate as a desert. All object, never subject.

This was what I had replicated in myself, and in one of my dearest friendships. I had become all emptiness so that my friend could become fragile in his fullness. And because of that, neither of us knew how to support one another anymore.

But I didn’t just learn all of that in the past, or from ill-intentioned bad actors. Even today, the role of the Fat Friend is reinforced at every turn, even by those we love. Fat people are so often expected to perform for the thin people around us.

Whether they intend to or not, many thin people’s beliefs about fat people set an impossible trap for us. Fat people are supposed to be ashamed of our bodies. That shame is meant to be a gift, something to be cherished, believed to provide the motivation we need to lose weight. When our bodies don’t change, we’re supposed to be more ashamed and more motivated than ever.

Fat people are supposed to be ashamed of our bodies. That shame is meant to be a gift.
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We’re supposed to be stylish, upbeat, have witty comebacks for the endless wave of hate that comes our way, regular as the tides. We’re also supposed to be empowered, confident, let criticism roll off our backs. We’re not supposed to give in to detractors, even if our harshest critics are family, friends, partners, doctors. Even when they are omnipresent. Even when we are entirely alone.

As strangers so regularly remind me, we are supposed to know we’re going to die. We’re supposed to know it will be our fault when we do. Passersby become prophets, grim reapers mandated to tell our future in gruesome detail.

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We’re expected to accept street harassment, diet talk, all manner of public discussions about our repulsive bodies. We are not to interrupt. Neither are we to talk about our experiences, lest we be told we’re “playing the victim.” If we give voice to our inevitable sadness or anger, we’ll become the self-fulfilling prophesy of the sad, isolated fatty. And we’re expected to reject our bodies at every turn. If we dare to broker a ceasefire with our own skin, we’re “giving up.” If we learn to love our bodies, we’re “glorifying obesity.”

So: be ashamed but confident, doomed but upbeat, abused but unaffected, unbothered by reminders of our own impending deaths.

But after all that, there’s no space left for fat people to be vulnerable, honest, to hurt, to fail, to succeed, to be whole. It leaves no room for our humanity. We must not only subject our bodies to public scrutiny, but deliver our confidence, our shame, our minds, our senses of self. We’re made to be used. So I made myself useful.

It’s no wonder we disappear.

I am so deeply sorry for so much of what has happened.

I am sorry for the orbit I knocked us out of, my friend and I. I made such a vast emptiness, created cracks he learned to fill. I am sorry for the crackling silence since then, the hot microphone in an empty room. I am sorry for not responding to the calls that only reminded me of the ways I didn’t know how to be whole, how to be both his and my own.

I am sorry that I recreated a thick outer skin for my thin friends that kept them comfortable in a rosier understanding of the world — one in which fat people were harbingers of a frightening future, cautionary tales for thin people’s benefit, or passive sounding boards for their lushly orchestrated lives. I am sorry that I kept so many thin friends comfortable in their own hatred of the little fat on their bodies, free to hate themselves, and free to make my body their collateral damage.

I am sorry that this friend is not the first to witness my disappearing act. I am sorry for the ripple of nothingness I’ve left in my wake, making myself the quiet buttress of thinness. I am sorry that I have told him and so many others “I’m fine — what’s happening with you?” so long that they learned it was my primary function. I am sorry that I believed first that my life wasn’t worth hearing about, then that it wasn’t worth living at all.

I am sorry that I made my friend my greatest escape.

I didn’t know how to be whole, how to be both his and my own.
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I am sorry that I let my body be their fear, as it so often is with thin people. For so many thin people, fat must be a fear, never a reality. As a fat person, I have learned to absorb thin people’s insecurities and anxieties, staying silent about my own. I have learned that I have spent whatever capital I have, just taking up the space that my body occupies. I am not entitled to more — I have learned that no fat people are. Our bodies mean we are born to a debt that we must spend our lives repaying.

I want to learn to treat myself as someone who is as real as a thin person. And I want to create a bolder, brighter world for the fat people who follow: one in which we can fully emerge, embraced by ourselves and our loved ones alike. I want fat people to see ourselves reflected in the world around us in every walk of life, in every emotional reality, in the lives we long to lead and the lives we already do. I want to learn to build a world that strengthens and respects thin people by teaching them to see fat people fully as we are, not as we are imagined to be.

I want to learn a new language of friendship, and a new kind of fullness. I hope we can learn together.