For your “trapped in a conservative marriage” sister, Susan:

Do it yourself: A pile of your most wrinkled shirts to iron!
Fun: Underwear with an easy-to-grab handle
Practical: Black market birth control and/or diapers

For your brother, Marty:

Do it yourself: A Russian dictionary
Fun: A ticket to the Trump sons’ ‘Camouflage and Cufflinks’ inauguration fundraiser
Practical: A sweatshirt with a wolf on it

For Dad:

Do it yourself: A Twitter handle and a bottle of Jameson
Fun: A trip to a daddy-daughter chastity ball
Practical: Ben Carson’s Guide to Climate Change (signed by the Chinese inventor!)

For Mom:

Do it yourself: Children to raise
Fun: A trip to a furniture store
Practical: A coupon for breast augmentation

For your religious grandparents:

Do it yourself: A bible with the “love each other” parts cut out with craft scissors
Fun: A picture of white Jesus
Practical: Confederate flag needlework sampler

For your business-inclined Uncle Ted:

Do it yourself: A bucket of hand-drilled Alaskan oil
Fun: A certificate from an uncredited university
Practical: A cabinet position

For your young nieces and nephews:

Do it yourself: A Mike Pence home conversion kit
Fun: A “build your own wall” Lego set and a Dora the Explorer doll to pay for it
Practical: An NRA membership

For your white supremacist cousins:

Do it yourself: A white sheet set
Fun: A dapper fashion spread in a major magazine
Practical: A subscription to Breitbart

Follow this gift-giving guide and you will rock your three crushingly awkward and painful days at home. Merry Christmas and Pence on Earth.