Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.

Amber did her own Chemtrails face with lipstick this week! I can’t get over the way that star catches the light!

SPEAKING of stars, are you planning to watch the Oscars tomorrow? I have never sat through the Academy Awards before; typically I’m just in it for the fashion coverage on Tom & Lorenzo the next day. This year I’m thinking of tuning in, though, because I really, really want to see what Chris Rock is gonna say about #OscarsSoWhite. Might as well get glammed up to do so!

First, as years of dedicated Lainey Gossip reading have taught me: fake hair. Nobody in Hollywood wears (only) their own hair!

Therefore, I must match my eyebrows to the color of my fake hair, starting with brown liner on the outer arch-to-tip section.

I brushed the liner into a hair-looking texture with a clean mascara wand. (You can swipe ’em from a Sephora try-on display; they’re useful to have around!)

Then dusted medium-dark brown shadow in the middle of my brow with an angled brush, blending into the lined section. You want to use a light hand and build up shadow gradually to get believable-looking brows.

And THEN, the little bit of brow in the center of your face. This part is crucial. You want to use a lighter shade of shadow, apply REALLY lightly, and make sure the edges stay soft rather than sharp. Let a few of your real brow hairs show through to sell the these-are-just-my-real-true-glorious-eyebrows illusion, then seal ’em in place with clear mascara or brow gel.

This seems like a lot of steps just for eyebrows, maybe. Deal with it and curl your lashes. It takes a lot of time to make yourself look like a motherfuckin’ movie star.

It also takes a lot of practice to line the upper inner rims of your eyelids without sending yourself into an uncontrollable blinking spasm, but it can be done! Holding your eyelid open helps.

Primer alllllll over the eyelids + surrounding skin.

Then a shadow only slightly darker than my skin in the crease of the eyelids, blending up toward the brows:

I used a golden-brown color in the creases and corners of my eyelids:

And then added dark brown right in the crease with a tiny brush.

Blended that whole mess together with a fluffy brush. THEN! Metallic copper above the crease:

Glittery shiny metallic brown in the crease:

Blend.

And NOW, now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: GOLD!

Just go wild with the gold. Put it all over everything.

In fact, add a little more gold in a lighter shade! Pat it on your browbone, put it under your eyes and blend it down over your cheeks.

Take your time with liquid eyeliner. I use my hand to hold my skin steady — don’t stretch it, that’ll leave crinkles in your liner when you let go — and apply in small strokes, blending them together into a line that’s thinner at the inner edge of my eyelid, thicker toward the outside.

A telescoping magnifying mirror is a huge boon when it comes to applying liquid liner. Also, very handy for applying eye makeup at all when you’re not wearing your contacts or glasses!

Gold liner on the bottom lid!

And then, mascara. I used a NARS tube from a sample pack I bought on Black Friday for my top lashes; it goes on with this big spiky roller brush you shove into the base of your lashes and then turn so it combs through the hairs and deposits product.

For my bottom lashes (what, you didn’t think I’d let them go naked, did you?) I used a Gucci mascara with a wand like a little spiked mace, along with a clean mascara brush to tidy up clumpiness.

And then, dear readers, I failed you. I was going to glue in a shit-ton of little individual fake lashes, just like a real celebrity! Unlike a real celebrity, unfortunately, I do not have a pit crew of 17 people at the ready to feed me Valium and champagne while they painstakingly apply my lashes and massage my feet. I lost patience after securing only three lash sprigs and ripped them out to glue on lash strips instead.

I hope you will be able to forgive me.

I put a shiny Benefit bronzer sample all over my cheekbones, as indicated by this very professionally drawn blue line.

Then! Magic. I know you were worried about all that gold smeared underneath my eyes. Looked terrible, right? But! With a thin layer of foundation applied by fingertip over the gold shadow and bronzer, POOF! Perfect, glowy skin!!

I was so enamored with the effect of the bronzer/foundation combo on my cheekbones that I used it on my jawline, too.

I contoured with a light brown shade on my temples, beneath my cheekbones, and under my chin.

Blue-red blush on the cheekbones, orangey-red circles high on the apples of the cheeks:

And then I lined all the way around my lips with a lipliner similar in chroma but slightly more neutral than my natural lip color.

I loaded on some same-color-as-the-liner lipstick, blotted, then used a brush to make the edges extra extra smooth.

Then I added a touch of glimmery gold lipstick to the center of my lips.

Damn girl daaaamn, you look like you wearin’ the Valencia filter IRL!!!

I put on my hair, then pulled it back with pins as would befit a Very Serious Actress who hopes to take home a little naked gold guy at the end of the night. My gown? Naeem Khan, of course, definitely not some cheap scratchy fast-fashion sequined NYE dress I bought at Wet Seal in 2007.

If you stand in bright light and your unsteady selfie hand shakes at just the right frequency to provide a flattering blur, you could almost pass for a real celebrity!

But unlike a real celebrity, you are probably exhausted from your three hours of getting ready. You got the pic! Ditch the ceremony and go wash your face. You’ve earned it.