These narratives are a snapshot, not a complete picture. But they help to provide contours to a narrative that’s too often blunted.

flickr/Neighty (Natália Reis)

The idea of dating someone who is polyamorous had never crossed my mind until recently, when I met a polyamorous man on a dating website who asked me out for coffee. As a monogamous woman, I was curious about what it’d be like to date someone polyamorous.

Unfortunately, the date didn’t end well. It was cut short as he got into a car and left with one of his other partners, leaving me awkwardly sitting in the coffee shop, wondering what had just happened.

The experience got me wondering: What do successful relationships between monogamous and polyamorous people look like?

It’s an important question to explore — because even as interest in consensual non-monogamy rises, stigmas and misconceptions persist. A study last year found that polyamorous people see their relationships as less socially accepted than monogamous relationships, leading them to hide their love, and that people hold limited views on what polyamory encompasses.

Perhaps the most persistent myth is that polyamorous people can’t possibly be satisfied with their unconventional relationships — and yet the same study also found that polyamorous respondents were highly satisfied with their love life. (It’s also not uncommon for polyamorous — or polyam — people to be stereotyped as hypersexual cheaters prone to irresponsible promiscuity. Not true either.)

Is Love Infinite? A Polyamorous Roundtable On Jealousy

Stigmatization becomes even more complicated when applied to polyamorous people in relationships with those who are monogamous. How do partners navigate these distinct approaches to relationships? What are the parameters around communication? How does jealousy manifest?

In an attempt to demystify polyam-monogamous relationships — and to defy stereotypes surrounding them — I decided to interview seven people who are either polyam and in a current or past relationship with one or more monogamous people, or monogamous and in a current or past relationship with someone who is polyam. Keep in mind that experiences are always diverse, and these narratives are a snapshot, not a complete picture. But they help to provide contours to a narrative that’s too often blunted.

Keaira

Keaira met her husband, Carl, while in college, and they have been together for seven years. They are both polyamorous, and each have another partner who is monogamous. Keaira entered into a relationship with her second partner, Quincy, eight months after graduating college and starting her first job, and they have been together for three years. “We prefer being labeled as partners but occasionally use boyfriend/girlfriend,” she tells The Establishment.

“Quincy is older and has two daughters who just started college this fall. Even though he’s still living with his legal wife, he is very much divorced from her in everything but writing, but she doesn’t know about our relationship — it’s very complex. We have discussed whether he’d like to date other people someday and he has said no, so he’s monogamous.”

Earlier this year, Carl started dating a woman named Gina, who is aware that Carl is polyamorous, and that he is legally married to Keaira. Gina has expressed no interest in dating other people, as she is also monogamous.

“I think the challenges Carl and I have in our relationships with monogamous people have been different, and even more different from other people’s relationships because of the weird dynamic we have. For me, with Quincy, I have worried about balancing time, which is probably a common challenge. Figuring out how to spend time with Quincy while not taking away time from Carl, and vice versa, has been difficult. Quincy and I work in the same city, though I’ve moved from another company, so we’re able to commute together, go for lunch together, and spend time together after work — walking, drinking, or just hanging out.”

‘I have worried about balancing time, which is probably a common challenge.’

Keaira says it has gotten easier since Quincy’s daughters went off to college because now they can hang out after work more often, and longer than before, or even sneak in some weekend visits to each other. Keaira says that in the past she tried not to talk too much about Quincy to Carl, but that this has been changing as Carl and Quincy are starting to become friends on their own.

The biggest challenge ahead in her relationship with Quincy, Keaira says, will be dealing with the moment when he’s ready to tell his kids about their relationship. “They know I’m a person in their father’s life, but they also know I’m married — how do you go from that, to ‘oh and by the way I’m also dating her’?; It’s going to be difficult but it’s a very far off bridge right now.”

Keaira’s advice to those who are in a polyamorous-monogamous relationship is to communicate with each of your partners, and yourself, a lot.

“Carl and I do monthly ‘summit’ meetings where we sit down to a nice meal and assess how we’re doing, where we struggled this month, where we did well, and what we’re looking forward to next month.” Keaira says this was very crucial early on in their relationship, because neither of them ever imagined being polyam until she met Quincy, “and suddenly we had a new life we were figuring out that was both exciting and scary, because we didn’t want to fuck up what we already had together.” She says that being open and honest is critical.

Keaira’s advice to those who are curious about being in these types of relationships is to learn not to fear jealousy.

“Jealousy can be harder for the monogamous partner, and although I haven’t experienced much jealousy in my relationship with Quincy, it’s still something I try to be sensitive about. I try to respect boundaries and feelings, and check in to make sure [he’s ok]. That being said, Carl, Quincy, and I are actually at a point where the three of us are starting to hang out as a group, and Carl and Quincy are forming their own friendship, so this caution for me is passing.”

Keaira hopes that someday, she can openly talk about being in her relationships, as it’s hard for her now to have to edit herself as she talks to others, so as to not reveal that she is polyam.

“Being open about this has been difficult for me, because I’m very introverted and have social anxiety, so sometimes — even though my Twitter is set to private — I struggle to tweet about my partners. But when I do, people see how happy we all are, how happy we make each other — and well, that’s a hard thing to argue with. So it keeps me going in hopes that someday I can be publicly open about it.”

Gio

Gio is a 43-year old polyamorous man who is currently in a relationship with a monogamous woman. “My experiences are quite varied going between monogamous and polyamorous relationships,” he tells The Establishment. Gio was married at 19 in a traditional monogamous relationship, which ended in divorce 16 years later due to his spouse cheating on him. Gio would go on to have a brief monogamous relationship afterward that also ended in cheating. “During this span of my life, jealousy ruled my mind. The thought of my significant other sleeping with someone else drove me insane.” It was after his second breakup and a series of sexual explorations that he began to realize he could care for someone and they could care for him, regardless of who was sleeping with whom.

Following that realization, Gio began exploring polyamory, and found that the jealousy stemming from his years of bad relationships began to subside. When he met his current partner, she decided to try polyamory too — but after eight months, it became clear to Gio that it wasn’t something she actually wanted. Since then, Gio and his partner have decided to remain monogamous with each other, and they have now been together exclusively for four years.

Dear Media: Stop Acting Like Polyamory Is All About The Sex

When asked to address stereotypes about polyamory, Gio says, “Many people think polyam is just an excuse to cheat, when it’s not. It’s about having the ability to care for multiple people, and sex is just one aspect of it.”

Gio also notes that polyamorous relationships aren’t immune from cheating. Infidelity can happen if established rules and agreements are defied. For example, if a partner who says they’re monogamous starts discretely seeing someone else, that could be considered cheating. “Polyam, by definition, doesn’t mean a free for all, and having sex with whomever you want,” Gio points out. “There are still people involved who deserve respect and being treated right.”

Kari

Kari is a 41-year-old monogamous woman from Dallas — as she puts it, “the dirty south, where homosexuality, or anything abnormal, is wrong.” Kari met her husband 10 years ago, and they went on to have five children together.

Kari’s husband, who had been married and divorced twice before, had long felt that no one woman could satisfy him. “We talked,” Kari says, “and then we came across Big Love and Sister Wives, and we discussed that if he weren’t ‘cheating,’ but doing something with consent, he may feel like he is being himself.” Kari acknowledges that there were hard years of jealousy and fighting after her husband started dating other women — but she says it was also exciting to figure out how to handle their unique relationship while also having kids.

Recently, Kari’s husband ended a short-term relationship with a monogamous woman who Kari says “wanted him all to herself.” Since then, she and her husband came across a woman who made the relationship dynamic more inclusive for all of them.

‘We discussed that if he weren’t cheating, but doing something with consent, he may feel like he is being himself.’

“It really changed the relationship. There was some jealousy at first, sure, and insecurities, but now we are talking about her moving in and we have equal amounts of time with my husband, and arranging schedules is always a priority.”

Kari says that society thinks you only have a certain amount of love to give, or that someone must inevitably feel left out. “I want people to learn that it’s like child-rearing; it’s endless love and different kinds of love.”

Jim

Jim is a 54-year-old polyamorous man. He has been together with his monogamous spouse for a little over six months now. “My wife and I began to explore being polyam in the summer of 2016,” he says. “We’ve been married for four and a half years, and began dipping our toes in the water without a definite idea of where things would lead us.”

Jim met his other partner, Erica, on the dating website Plenty of Fish. He contacted her and says what followed was a pretty typical sequence (exchanging emails, a first date, platonic activities such as hiking), which led to the relationship that they have now. Jim says he did the whole online dating thing after his first marriage ended 11 years ago, and that things progressed with Erica in the same way they did when he was single.

“I suppose if I had one thing I’d want to shout from the rooftops about society’s view of polyamory it would be this: Cheating is the worst! I have been utterly amazed at how so many people apparently are more tolerant of infidelity than of consensual non-monogamy (another term for polyamory).”

Jim says the most telling example of this was an exchange of messages he had with a woman named Ashley. After he initially contacted her, he says “she went off on me for being in an open relationship, saying I wasn’t being honest with myself and my wife, since if we had an open relationship, it meant we weren’t really in love with each other and we should just go ahead and get a divorce. When I pointed out that she was on a website looking to cheat on her husband, she said something along the lines of, ‘Well, at least I’m keeping my marriage together.’ How do you argue with that form of microaggression?”

How A Hackneyed Romantic Ideal Is Used To Stigmatize Polyamory

The stigma associated with consensual non-monogamy is mind blowing, Jim says. “A very good friend of mine, who is much more on the ‘swinging’ end of the spectrum, says the same thing. She and her husband have had an open relationship for almost 20 years and she says there’s always been a lot of pressure to keep it hidden.”

With Erica, Jim says she wishes she could take him to social events and introduce him to her friends, but he feels like there is no way they could do that without harming both of their reputations.

Jim believes it all boils down to this: “How in the world is honesty, i.e. in my case being open with my wife and Erica, worse than dishonesty, i.e. cheating? Like I said, it blows my mind.”

Rachel

Rachel is a 41-year-old monogamous woman who has been in a relationship with her polyam partner for a couple of months now. She tells The Establishment, “I have always been monogamous. I’m 41 and he is 47 and married. I had never heard of polyamory until I met him.”

Rachel and her partner first met at a book club discussion that her partner organized.

“There’s a book called The Arrangement, about an open marriage, which was read and discussed. He and his wife expressed to the group that they had an open marriage for the past few years, and then I saw him on OkCupid. I was originally on there to delete my account after bad dating experiences when I noticed a message from him.”

Rachel was initially skeptical, but interested in becoming friends and understanding what exactly polyamory was. Since then, she says, “it is the best and healthiest relationship I have probably ever been in. The challenge for me is still being alone for holidays, not being part of a family, and no sleepovers or vacations.”

Rachel says she is becoming friends with his wife and things may change over time. “I am happy getting to know them both.”

Izzy

Izzy is 25, queer, polyamorous, and genderfluid. She has been keenly aware of how integral her polyamory is to her identity since she was 18, but she often allowed herself to remain in relationships with monogamous partners who were not understanding.

She’s been dating her current partner, Veronica, who’s monogamous, for just over two years, after meeting on Tinder while both studying in the U.K. Izzy says they actually recognized each other from their flight over from the U.S. and were glad to get a second chance to meet.

“At the time, I was sustaining a long-distance relationship with the first polyamorous partner I had ever been with, Jen. I was very upfront with Veronica about the situation, and about my feelings regarding polyamory, and was nearly certain by the end of our first date that she had no intention to pursue anything with me.”

But over the course of the following months, Izzy and Veronica grew closer. “She surprised me with her willingness to learn about my life, and about my other partner, Jen. She reached out and tired to make connections with Jen, in an effort to support me and respect her.”

‘She surprised me with her willingness to learn about my life.’

Unfortunately, Izzy says, despite the fact that Jen was polyamorous, she became very possessive and hostile. “That first year with Veronica, I was put in a challenging position of trying to balance my love for two people who wouldn’t get along, and I regret being as patient with Jen as I had been. Veronica and I were left very emotionally raw by Jen’s harmful behavior, and we mutually decided we should focus on healing and finding stability in our dynamic, before I sought out any new partners.”

When Izzy started a new relationship, Veronica decided to take the opportunity to explore how comfortable she felt being in multiple relationships. Izzy says they ended up in a brief summer fling of a triad that helped Veronica realize that there were some aspects of polyamory that appealed to her, but mostly that she was monogamous. As of now, Izzy casually sees other people while maintaining a loving and supportive relationship with Veronica.

“I hope that society starts to understand polyamory as a way for people to express their love as fully as possible. Too often, I see the misconception that polyamory means you are greedy and dishonest. I would say that accepting my polyamorous nature brought honest communication to the forefront of my relationships. I often see the misconception that there is something inherently enlightened about being polyamorous, or that jealousy doesn’t exist in polyamorous relationships. There is no inherent conflict in polyamory and monogamy; they are two ways of living that can even coincide with each other in healthy ways. Jealousy will happen in any type of relationship. Confronting that jealousy and the underlying causes is what allows us to move past it.”

As a transgender woman, I understand first hand what it’s like to be othered — to be seen as something different, and to confront a lack of understanding that often goes unchecked. I hope the people who were willing to come forward with their stories can serve as a lesson — that even with relationships that feel foreign to us, there is genuine and honest love.

Looking For A Comments Section? We Don’t Have One.

]]> https://theestablishment.co/is-love-infinite-a-polyamorous-roundtable-on-jealousy/ Fri, 17 Nov 2017 22:08:40 +0000 https://theestablishment.co/?p=8374 Read more]]> ‘I’m happiest when my support networks are as wide and tribe-like as possible, and a lack of jealousy makes that easier to sustain.’

Is monogamy a choice or a societal steeping? Is it romantic, a sacrifice, an expression of devotion, glorified claustrophobia, Puritanical backwash, or some good old fashioned cultural evolution? Or…something different altogether?

I think many folks (myself included) intellectually understand how fraught monogamy is—one person satiating every sexual desire for 50+ years?!—but in the more reptilian facets of our brains we can’t handle the sickening jealously of even thinking about sharing the person we love.

It feels too messy, too complicated; it can feel like desiring more than one person is greedy or predicated on that person not being “enough.”

While it would seem that poly folks have seemingly banished the green-eyed monster—after all, who would voluntarily subject themselves to that sensation?—it’s actually, like so many theories in life, exponentially more complicated than that. Poly folks aren’t impervious to jealousy, but instead engage with it as yet another emotion to wrangle, another salient data point in how they’re relating to the world, themselves, and intimacy in their lives.

The Est. asked four poly folks to talk about their relationship with jealousy, the beauty of shared romantic love, and what they’ve learned along the way.

Holly Francis on the fostering of implicit trust:

To love and be loved: This is the fundamental state most yearn for. Humanity has long been looking to prophecy, divination, and the essence of the human experience to figure out how to live the very best life. For some, the answer comes in the form of polyamory and the practice of ethical non-monogamy; but how do we approach the seemingly inherent jealousy of human relationships in a way that is nurturing, rather than destructive?

A common theme in polyamory — especially for those newly embracing the lifestyle — is how to quash seemingly rebellious feelings of anger at betrayal and fear of being cast aside. Trying to hide insecurities works most effectively in settings where those insecurities are never challenged, but the dynamic interplay between jealousy and successfully navigating polyamory isn’t one of those settings. Challenging the status quo handed down in the form of monogamy and navigating the emotional upheaval of a standard way of life requires immense trust, communication, ownership, and respect.

The secret? Polyamorous people can, and do, get jealous. Rather than being a negative trait, though, it can be the impetus for introspection and the critical examination of how to more effectively deal with challenges. Jealousy lets us know when something needs to be addressed, and it rather frequently seems to come back to a fear of neglect or abandonment. As with any relationship, learning and growing with one partner can be difficult — in a relationship with multiple partners and multiple considerations it can feel impossible.

Trusting your partners have your best interests at heart, fostering effective communication that addresses concerns before they spiral out of control, taking ownership of one’s own feelings and actions, and respecting the choices and limitations of others are among the standards of success in polyamory.

“Well, it’s just not for me. I could never do that.”

And that’s fine. One of the best parts of poly, for me, is that no one is trying to force their approach to relationships on others — it’s a matter of basic respect. Exploring the reason why you “could never do that,” however, is vital to the idea of personal ownership. In the searching for an answer to the question of why jealousy is so uncomfortable and the idea of sharing is so abhorrent, many people start finding the idea of polyamory more relatable. These questions don’t have to be asked within the confines of a monogamous relationship, but in any search for love and how to be loved.

How do we approach the seemingly inherent jealousy of human relationships in a way that is nurturing, rather than destructive?
Click To Tweet

Jealousy is indeed an often green-eyed monster that turns some into a nervous or even aggressive wreck. It’s uncomfortable and it brings up feelings we’d rather not deal with. If you don’t trust your partner around others, but you posit that you trust them, the reality is that you don’t actually trust them to be in control of themselves when presented with opportunity. Perhaps you’ve been hurt in the past, and can’t tolerate your significant other speaking with exes and thus try and limit their autonomy — you become sick to the core at the thought of sharing your partner with others and so you do not. You tell yourself you can’t. But what happens to your relationship when you remove the limitations you never even created to begin with and place real, implicit trust in your partner?

Allison Elliot on odious comparisons:

Having multiple relationships means navigating a host of feelings — feeling both good and bad. For me the link between compersion — the feeling of happiness for your partner’s relationship with another person — and jealousy, is all about comparison.

Compersion happens naturally for me at the beginning of my relationship with a new partner. I admire the love that that person has with their other partner (or partners) and feel genuinely happy that that love exists in their life.

As the relationship progresses, however, I begin to compare my relationship with my partner to their relationship with their other partner. What once made me happy suddenly makes me feel like my partner and I don’t go to the movies enough, they don’t text me enough, or they text too much during ourdates — every difference I perceive in my relationship versus their other relationships becomes a potential problem, and I grow jealous.

“Enough” becomes this inexact measuring stick I begin using to gauge my emotions in an effort to make the good in my relationship equal to the good of the other relationships that I’m perceiving.

While comparisons can be odious, I’ve realized that these comparisons can lead to positive outcomes; for example, feeling jealous after my partner goes to the movies with their other partner has lead to me simply realizing that I just want to go to the movies with my partner. The feeling doesn’t actually extend beyond that.

Comparison-caused jealousy grows particularly difficult when my self-esteem isn’t as intact as I’d like it to be or my relationship with my partner is struggling. If my partner wasn’t feeling up for sex during our last date, but they had sex with another partner days later, my brain makes leaps — it makes connections and conclusions before I can take a breath.

My brain tells me my partner had sex with someone else because of my flaws, because our relationship is rocky or not as good as the others in their life. I force myself to reiterate, again and again — “their sex is not about me” — to try and dispel all the dangerous and damaging conclusions my brain is trying to draw from that sequence of events. I remind myself of the bottom line: Comparison is unfair, unhelpful, and unhealthy. It’s also bullshit, obviously, because “their sex is not about me” is absolutely true.

Also, their relationship isn’t about me either, which makes even a seemingly positive concept like compersion exponentially more complicated. Because compersion allows an individual to mentally insert themselves into a dynamic they are actually not a part of, good feelings can quickly give way to bad ones. And at that point, thinking about yourself in the context of other peoples’ relationships becomes unreasonably self-centered.

While not all polyamorous people experience these emotions, I think the trick to all of this is conceiving of your relationship with your partner as though it were on its own — is it good alone, without comparison?

Zephyr Schott on undermining the patriarchy:

Eight years ago I told one of my closest friends I felt a tremendous amount of bottled-up affection for the people in my life who wanted to be closer to me; I told them I wished I could clone myself so that I could give all of them the care and appreciation they wanted from me. I was in the middle of a four-year monogamous relationship at the time and the thought of anything outside of that familiar and exclusive relationship structure had not even occurred to me.

Monogamy was so assumed, ingrained, and automatic that the thought of cloning myself occurred to me before any notion of dating more than one person. I was steadfastly loyal to all my monogamous partners for years and felt pangs of jealousy when my ex-girlfriend flirted with other people, when my high school ex-boyfriend went to prom with someone else while I was sick and stuck at home. I also felt that my jealousy was unwarranted and never brought it up with either partner. But looking back my real mistake was not discussing those feelings openly with them and stewing in my insecurities instead.

A couple of years later I found myself in a new relationship with someone incredibly jealous. He would check my text messages and even my receipts to make sure that my conversations were not too friendly and to check that I was being honest about my location at any given time. Yet the main feedback I got about this relationship from my friends and family was that they were so happy to see me with someone who cared about me so much. I was miserable, confused — I felt trapped and isolated.

After we broke up I joined a Rocky Horror Picture Show cast and started to date someone I liked and trusted a lot — they were also poly and preparing to move to the other side of the country after graduating from university. I’ll admit that having felt trapped in my last relationship, having the upcoming physical distance gave me a sense of safety.

Knowing that I was new to a nonmonogamous relationship structure, this partner was extremely caring and conscientious about checking in with my feelings. At first I did feel uncomfortable and jealous, but I largely tend to approach even the most personal experiences from an anthropological and rational perspective. Rationally, the philosophy behind ethical non-monogamy made a lot of sense to me and I recognized monogamy as being the kind of authoritative and hierarchical construct that I am generally opposed to.

Monogamy was so assumed, ingrained, and automatic that the thought of cloning myself occurred to me before any notion of dating more than one person.
Click To Tweet

When my emotions did not match up with my thoughts I started asking myself what I was afraid of and why exactly I was feeling these pangs of jealousy. What were those feelings grounded in and were my assumptions based on empirical evidence or enculturation? I talked to my partner about my feelings and slowly became friends with some of the people he was involved with, which was really helpful. I started to realize that going on dates with and sleeping with other people did not reduce his feelings for me; I began to realize that jealousy was an unnecessary and even a counterproductive emotion. I realized I could just feel happy that someone I cared for was happy.

I started to experience a paradigm shift and my emotions started to align with my rational thoughts. He seemed surprised at how content I was to just sleep with him and let him have multiple partners of different genders as long as he was safe about it. He was a bit concerned that I wasn’t dating or sleeping with anyone else, but I explained this was just due to the simple fact that there weren’t other people who I felt like dating at the time.

And while I’m not impervious to pangs of jealousy, every time I feel it, I ask myself why and it almost always results from some kind of internalized insecurity. But the more I communicate openly and critically reflect on my emotions, the more natural poly relationship dynamics have become for me, the more I feel that I am living in alignment with my values of autonomy, consent, open and honest communication, and in opposition to property or hierarchy.

Molly Stratton on the dangers of the lizard brain:

I don’t get blindsided by jealousy very often, but one of my most intense pangs to date was in response to one of my partners telling me he’d been reading science-fiction short stories aloud to his primary. But even then, the sensation was pretty short-lived — I couldn’t help laughing at myself: This is what sets me off?

I used to think practicing polyamory would somehow make me a more empathetic person, but experience has shown me again and again that I can still be just as confused and anxious while poly as I am in any other relationship configuration. I just happen to be unbothered about “normal” relationship jealousies — like who sleeps with who and how often — and honestly? I still don’t have a good theory as to why.

Perhaps it’s because I was lucky enough to fall into a close-knit group of friends before we started boinking each other, and watching two people I’ve already known for six years engage in PDA is as jealousy-inducing as knowing that they snore or that they’re allergic to apricots. Or maybe it’s simply that my personality is so intensely nerdy that it isn’t sex but the (in my experience) much rarer shared interest in Golden Age sci-fi which trips my jealousy meter.

Other times, I think of my lack of jealousy as a sort of queer survival mechanism. I’m an only child from a tiny family, with no desire to marry or have children of my own. But I’m happiest when my support networks are as wide and tribe-like as possible, and a lack of jealousy makes that easier to sustain. Poly people don’t actually all sleep with each other all the time, but the fact that it’s a possibility can ironically help us relax and see each other as people, rather than competition for affection. (I knew I had “made it”, relationship-wise, when I found myself not only having regular dates with my partner, but regularly playing Zelda with his wife.)

Interestingly enough, when people talk about jealously creeping in, I find myself thinking not of my romantic relationships, but of my friendships. When my longest-running fandom friend confirmed that she had, in fact, been talking to a Tumblr mutual longer than she had me, my lizard brain immediately wondered if the other person was somehow “better.” When my best friend moved an hour away, I felt as intensely about it as I had as a lonely grade-schooler. And every time I plan a party, I have to stop myself from speculating on how the number of guests reflects my likeability as a person.

Maybe it’s because (irrationally), I see romantic relationships as something people will move mountains for, whereas a friendship can be derailed by a busy schedule, a new job, or simply discovering you don’t have the same fandoms in common anymore.