By The Bad Advisor

“I find women in general to be bitter, angry and dramatic. They make the relationship all about them, and whenever you divorce them, they take half of your money, even if you had the money before you met them.

My friend’s ex-wife took his kids and moved out of state after they broke up just to spite him, and she makes it hard for him to see his kids, as much as he loves them. Sometimes I think of my own daughter and resent her. I don’t want to be around her because of how horribly her mother treated me when we were together.

I also hate how women exploit the court systems to their benefit when it comes to child custody, child support and domestic violence. Why do we put up with them?”

-From “Ask Willie D.,” Houston Press, 17 November 2016

Dear Reader,

My good sir, you have hit upon the great mystery of humanity’s tenuous tenure on earth: Bitches. Having yourself conducted an exhaustive survey of all the world’s bitchy bitches — your buddy’s ex-wife and your own ex-wife — you’ve arrived at the inevitable conclusion that anyone would arrive at given the same rigorous sociological interrogation: Women, all three-point-whatever-miserable-billion of them, are not to be dealt with. What woman on earth does not yearn to meet a man so that she can reproduce with him and then divest him of his hard-earned money? What woman, who stalks mercilessly among the upstanding and blameless menfolk of the world, does not crave the day when she can be domestically abused and experience the grand joy of parading her personal life through the carnivalesque majesty of the court system for a bit of recreation just once in her coddled life?

You have the right of it, my man! The only way to give those meanie broads the what-for is to resent their (and, unfortunately, your) daughters. By building up animosity toward a child who had the unmitigated gall to be born female, you’ll teach her everything she needs to know about the failures of gender — definitely her gender.

“How do I introduce my unmarried daughter’s baby daddy? Can’t say ‘husband,’ and can’t say ‘partner’ since gays have claimed that word. So how do you define that new role?”

-From “I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET…” via “Dear Abby,” 2 December 2016

Dear “I’d like you to meet…,”

It’s no secret we live in a modern society of heavy surveillance — traffic cameras, targeted Facebook advertisements, and of course the relentless gay police, who never seem to sleep on an opportunity to ticket the poor, beleaguered straights on their use of the word “partner.” How many good heterosexuals have we lost to the fabulously bleak camps to which they must retire upon inappropriate “partner”-ing? Too many.

Our society has such limited descriptors for the brand-new phenomenon of the partnered (sorry, gay police!) but unmarried father, a social role that emerged after humans discovered that sex outside of marriage was possible, which historians believe to be sometime around the release of Prince’s first album. “Baby daddy” is of course the better known legal designator sanctioned by the civil court system, but many men in the year 2016 also have first, middle, and even last names that can be used when introducing them to strangers. See if the baby daddy in your life has one of these new-fangled designators, and endeavor to challenge yourself to use one or all of them!

“I haven’t had sex with my wife since my youngest daughter’s birth six years ago. This is due, in part, to me. After the birth, I tried assisting my wife with her weight-loss efforts, but she ignored my advice. ‎I got fed up and avoided intercourse. I realise that my approach was not a good one and I have been making efforts for the past two years to go back to normal, but she is always running away.”

-Via “Sexual Healing,” The Guardian, 26 September 2016

Postpartum women are filled with topsy-turvy hormones that make them take offense at the littlest thing, such as weight-loss advice from husbands who withhold sex if said advice is ignored. Now that you’ve realized your mistake — withholding sex from the gross fat lady who wouldn’t lose weight at your instruction — it’s time to go back to normal: being willing to have sex with the gross fat lady who wouldn’t lose weight at your instruction!

It seems as though your gross fat wife does not realize the generosity you offer her, willing as you are to overlook her rude refusal of your six-year-old weight loss advice as you deign to get your boner polished by her in this lesser state. Despite her thoughtless decision not to transform her body to its pre-pregnancy state on command, you’re offering her a wonderful gift: sex with a man who is not, or can at least pretend not to be, physically repulsed by her. And yet she is the one running away! Pregnancy sure makes people do wacky things, does it not?