I don’t care who you are, this resolution will improve your life and the lives of those around you.
It’s almost the beginning of a new year! For some reason, this means that you are supposed to appraise yourself and come up with a list of tweaks, adjustments, and major overhauls to get to a better you. You’re supposed to slim down, shape up, sleep more, drink less, clean your house, save your money. Every year we make these lists. About a month later, we all feel like shit.
Well fuck all that. Fuck diets and exercise and definitely fuck cleaning the house. Fuck virtue and self-improvement and the thought that you have to become a completely different person to be worthy of love and pride and self-respect. This year, you only need one New Year’s Resolution. I don’t care who you are, this resolution will improve your life and the lives of those around you. Here it is:
Don’t Be An Asshole
That’s it. That’s your resolution for 2016. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it will make. Wake up in the morning and say, “Today I will Not Be An Asshole.” Then go out and Don’t Be An Asshole.
Here are some great ways in which you can Not Be An Asshole:
-Use your turn signals
-Don’t correct random strangers on the Internet
-Don’t support Trump
-Let drivers merge into your lane
-Let the devil advocate for himself
-Don’t critique people’s bodies
-Don’t critique people’s clothing
-Vote for education funding
-Don’t tell homeless people to “get a job”
-Make eye contact with service workers (provided that different neurological ability doesn’t prevent you from being able to comfortably do so)
-Don’t wear perfume to the office
-Don’t give diet advice
-Don’t troll on the internet
Now, I could go on and on — that’s the great thing about Not Being An Asshole. There are hundreds of opportunities a day to get that wonderful feeling of New Year’s Resolution achievement. Why, just today, I can say that I’ve managed to Not Be An Asshole about 90% of the time. Pretty good, right? Gold star for me.
And the great thing about this resolution is that, even if you fuck up, you can still turn it around by the number one way to Not Be An Asshole:
Oh man, this is the golden ticket to Not Being An Asshole Success. When you forget that you are trying to Not Be An Asshole or maybe you didn’t realize that you were not Not Being An Asshole, being able to say, “Sorry I was an asshole” is a great way to get yourself back on the path of Not Being An Asshole!
This is a great resolution to do with friends as well, because you can hold each other accountable — like diet buddies, only actually good for your well-being and self-esteem. When you see your resolution-buddy slipping, you can assist with the friendly reminder, “Dave, remember? We’re Not Being Assholes.” And you can congratulate each other, “Gosh Sarah, that 20% tip is genuinely Not Asshole of you!” Maybe make sticker charts!
So this year, throw out your New Year’s lists and just write in permanent marker on all surfaces of your home: DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE. Let’s all Not Be Assholes! Make 2016 a better, brighter, more Asshole-free year!