“Four months ago I met a great man. We get on famously — we both agree that it is at a very deep, soul-mate level, but he has a long-time girlfriend he lives with, who is the mother of his two kids. We both know the attraction is there, and he has been unhappy for five years now, but I have made it clear to him that I will not do anything that friends would not do unless he finds himself single. I am growing attached to him, though, and he has started making plans for us to do things together — including meeting his kids next week. I’m reluctant, because I know that if I were his partner I would be horrified. But as friends, isn’t meeting the family normal?”

— Ask Molly Ringwald, The Guardian, April 24, 2015

Dear Friend,

You are definitely not standing on the precipice of entering into a bad ideas relationship with a man who is a bajillion percent gonna do some sex on you at the first opportunity! For sure you guys are just gonna stay super platonic boring friends forever and not do a bone literally any minute now. There is zero chance that all of this is gonna be a nightmare hellscape trash Dumpster shitfire on hot wheels in about six months. Have fun meeting the children who will in no way be negatively impacted by their dad’s dipshit shenanigans with you, a person with very strong boundaries.

“Son won’t have children: We are concerned our only son isn’t having children. Every time we bring it up with him, he seems to have a new excuse. Recently when we tried to discuss this with our daughter-in-law directly, she said her high-powered career would be severely impacted if she didn’t plan child-bearing carefully because she doesn’t get paid parental leave at her workplace. We tried to encourage her by saying that she doesn’t even need to work since our son is very successful and we have considerable means. This seems to have offended her greatly. How do we convince them that we only want them to be happy?”

— From Dear Prudence, Slate, 17 January 2018

Dear Son Won’t Have Children,

It is always heartbreaking to find out that your children are not living their lives to the exact specifications you provided in detail when they were conceived all those years ago. Unfortunately, the return policy on uncooperative children who fail to fulfill your every expectation as if they have grown up to have a mind and body of their own, wholly separate from yours, is extremely limited. Whereas the vast majority of children do everything their parents want them to do all the time and forever, you appear to have received an ineffective and combative model of fully grown, sentient human being who believes its personal reproductive decisions to be within its sole purview.

What’s worse, your disobedient offspring has paired with another errant n’er-do-well who rudely refuses to a bear the grandchild she owes you, for reasons that are most spurious indeed. What woman, when presented with the chance to abandon a career she loves, bear a child against her will, and become financially beholden to people who view her as a womb on high-powered high-heels, would not jump at the opportunity? What fool would not want to be valued solely for her ability to produce wee cooing-and-shitting babbies, as the Lord and In-Laws intended?

A true and good child at any age is never separate from its creators, which means a true and good child can never be happy unless its parents are happy. And since you are not happy without a grandchild, it goes without saying that your son cannot be happy without a child, and how could you possibly be at fault for simply wanting your son to be happy?

The sole recipe for happiness on earth between a couple of heterosexual folks is to produce a human child. Quid pro ergo, your son must have a child to be happy. Take every opportunity to tell this unruly pair how concerned you are for their happiness, which they do not currently have because you do not also have it. You will of course have to ask them constantly about their sex life and their reproductive cycles due to the sad fact that your son is not literally still connected to your body, but any small embarrassment this causes will be over more quickly than you think.

“I would appreciate your read on this. I recently received over 1,000 views on a LinkedIn post I made. Yet no one at the company I work at has given any feedback. No post comments, likes, etc. My company employs less than 100 people and I’m connected with many of them on LinkedIn and can see the post has been viewed by some. People outside of my company have offered likes and comments. This experience is making me question if I’m a valued and respected employee.”

— From Ask A Manager, 27 October 2017

Dear Unvalued, Disrespected Employee,

First off, congratulations on reaching 1,000 views on a LinkedIn post, an almost unfathomable achievement that your ungrateful employer and jealous coworkers don’t appreciate because they think you are worthless and bad.

Almost nobody can get 1,000 views on a LinkedIn post, so it’s super weird that they didn’t throw you a party and give you a promotion. You’re telling me you work with 99 other people and it was not a priority for one of them to tell you how incredible your recent LinkedIn post was? Because it got 1,000 views? A thing that everyone clearly knows and is completely ignoring? Ninety-damn-nine people work in your office and there you are, shining like the most beacony beacon that ever did beaconing, and nobody stopped by with a cake — not even cupcakes? For a LinkedIn post that got one-thousand views?????

Not even, like, some embossed monogrammed stationery or designer chocolate or anything?? What are you, chopped liver?? Maybe! But you are some chopped liver that got an incredible 1,000 views on a LinkedIn post, which is just about the most impressive feat ever achieved by a human person.Probably your boss is going around liking and commenting on everybody else’s LinkedIn posts! Praising your LinkedIn posts is the sole measure of whether your company values and respects you, so your gut instincts are 1,000 percent correct here. Hey, 1,000! That’s the same number of views your LinkedIn post got! Amazing.

By The Bad Advisor

“Today is my dad’s birthday. We all forgot . . . again.

I have asked him numerous times to just provide a reminder. I always give everyone a heads-up before my birthday — it’s a courtesy as everyone is so busy nowadays.

So I got a midday ‘joking’ email about how no one wished him a happy birthday. I feel guilty, but this could all be avoided if he just gave his forgetful family a little warning instead of playing this game every year. Thoughts?”

—From “I Forgot . . . Again” via Carolyn Hax, Washington Post, 6 February 2018

Dear I Forgot,

If only there were some mechanism by which we could visually measure the annual passage of time, broken up into smaller increments — say, 12 allotments of, I don’t know, 30 days or so? — that would enable us to mark important occasions such that we could plan for them before the very moment of their occurrence. What a wonder that would be! Instead, we will simply have to rely on each individual person to remember indefinitely and exhaustively which of life’s milestones are important to which people and how far ahead those people need to be apprised of the coming anniversary of the aforementioned milestones, literally the only way to have any knowledge whatsoever of the day that anything happens, ever. It’s a shame that your father is personally holding you and the rest of the world back from developing another system of measuring time, but obviously he just loves this great annual game!

Bad Advice On Employing A Sexual Harasser To Teach Your Child

“My son, Steven, and daughter-in-law, Julia, are expecting their first child and our first grandchild next month. I had what I thought was a good relationship with Julia, but I find myself devastated. Julia has decided only Steven and her mother will be allowed in the delivery room when she gives birth. I was stunned and hurt by the unfairness of the decision and tried to plead with her and my son, but Julia says she ‘wouldn’t feel comfortable’ with me there. I reminded her that I was a nurse for 40 years, so there is nothing I haven’t seen. I’ve tried to reason with Steven, but he seems to be afraid of angering Julia and will not help. I called Julia’s parents and asked them to please reason with their daughter, but they brusquely and rather rudely got off the phone. I’ve felt nothing but heartache since learning I would be banned from the delivery room. Steven told me I could wait outside and I would be let in after Julia and the baby are cleaned up and ‘presentable.’ Meanwhile, Julia’s mother will be able to witness our grandchild coming into the world. It is so unfair.

I’ve always been close to my son, but I no longer feel valued. I cannot bring myself to speak to Julia. I’m being treated like a second-class grandmother even though I’ve never been anything but supportive and helpful. How can I get them to see how unfair and cruel their decision is?”

— From “Second Class Grandma” via “Dear Prudence,” Slate, 5 February 2018

Dear Second Class Grandma,

Who can call herself “Grandma” who has not personally witnessed, with her own grandmotherly eyes, the progressive dilation of the cervix that is to produce the wee babe she will know as grandchild? What charlatan would take the name “Grandma” if she failed to be within 36 inches of the crowning blood-soaked noggin of her spawn’s spawn? Since the dawn of time, all grandmothers have been within spraying distance of errantly projectile afterbirth, and you and only you are being excluded in this way. It is appalling that your son thinks so little of you that he does not long for his mother to be as close as possible to his wife’s naked, heaving body as she produces this child for you. After all, you are a nurse!

Pregnancy looks beautiful on many women, but obviously it has turned Julia into a self-absorbed cow who believes she should have full control over who surrounds her during one of the most intense and potentially vulnerable moments of her life. Would that she weren’t so selfishly preoccupied with her own meaningless bullshit surrounding bringing a human life into the world and instead could see the incredible opportunity she has to show her respect for you, in the form of her whole entire vagina. Alas, this egotistical woman can’t see past the end of her own baby-nourishing bellybutton to the person at the center of this new family: You.

The only recourse now is to take this over Steven and Julia’s self-obsessed heads to the doctor or administrator in charge of hospital policy and confirm that there’s no rule against having two children in the delivery room.

“I’d like your opinion on a relationship question — but not the typical kind that you get. It’s about the relationship between Americans and British royalty.

Why is it that so many Americans, especially women, are obsessed with those British royals? We fought a war to throw off the oppression of privileged people like them. A couple of decades later, they sent their army to attack us and burn much of our capital. I have no problem with our being friendly to the British people, but monarchy reeks of slavery and imperialism. What do you think? Personally, I blame Walt Disney!”

—From “Paul in Sonora” via “Dear Annie,” Creators.com, 18 February 2018

Dear Paul,

Women are dim-witted fools who will cotton on to anything shiny because they are too dumb to know the difference between fantasy and reality. (Men, of course, would never indulge such an interest because they are very smart and their use of Axe body spray creates a kind of herd immunity to the manipulations of late capitalism.) Sadly in the case of British royalty, American women’s wholesale dipshittery in the face of anything wearing a hoop skirt and a crown also results in a widespread lack of patriotism, making American women an especially degenerate class of traitors to this great country, where slavery and colonization never had a home, and where everyone has always had exactly the same rights and exactly the same access to those rights forever.

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

By The Bad Advisor

“One of the perks provided by my workplace is a paid day off on your birthday (or the day after if it falls on a weekend or holiday) provided by the firm and not taken from your own vacation days, and a gift card which works at several restaurants in our city. Once a month, a cake is also provided at lunch for everyone as an acknowledgement of everyone who has a birthday that month.

There is an employee on my team who was born in a leap year on February 29. Since she only has a birthday every four years, she does not get a day off or a gift card and is not one of the people the cake acknowledges. She has complained about this and is trying to push back so she is included.

The firm doesn’t single out or publicly name anyone that has a birthday. People take the day off and that is it, nothing is said. The gift card is quietly enclosed with their pay stub. The cake is put in the lunchroom without fanfare for anyone that wants some. There is no email or card that goes around and no celebrating at work. If there was I could see her point, but since everything is done quietly/privately, she is not losing out on anything. My manager feels her complaints are petty and she needs to be more professional. I agree with him.

She has only worked here for two years and was hired straight out of university. I want to tell her that she should be focusing on work issues and not something as small as a birthday. If she had a complaint about a work issue it would be different. How do I frame my discussion with her without making her feel bad or like she is trouble? Her work is good and I am sure the complaint is just borne of inexperience and I don’t want to penalize her for it.”

— Via “Ask A Manager,” 29 January 2018

Typically we could blame this kind of petty complaint on the average millennial’s overblown sense of entitlement, but since your employee is only five or six years old by your reckoning, there must be something else going on. You say this employee’s work is good, but is it really good, or is it just good for the average kindergartener? Have you taken the proper steps to protect yourself from potential violations of child labor laws? I realize that’s not what you’re asking about, but you’ve really left yourself out in the open here and I want to make sure all your bases are covered. If your employee is driving a company car while too young for a license, or attending work-related events where alcohol is served, it’s likely you could be liable for any related accidents.

But to the matter at hand: Your employee is fixated, as any child would be, on her own warped sense of fairness. Because she ages at a different rate than other humans, she simply can’t assume that she’ll be treated the same way as other humans — even in the workplace. Some of your employees happen to have an annual birthday, and they need a day off every year to grapple with their speedily approaching mortality and a small gift to soothe the encroaching nightmare of death. This Leap Day worker wants the same benefits these others get, when she has approximately one-quarter the need for them! Patiently explain to her that she’s hurting her career by insisting that the laws of space and time are not uniquely bent in her favor, as if she is somehow being denied the days off and meal perks that other employees are afforded simply because she has been denied the days off and meal perks that other employees are afforded. Of course, by the time she’s old enough to understand this, you’ll have gone to your extremely businesslike grave. But don’t worry — the world will remember you as an eminently reasonable and un-petty manager who died denying a wee child a Bloomin’ Onion, as any experienced career person would do.

Bad Advice On Grammar-Policing Gender-Neutral Pronouns

“I have three grandchildren who address me as ‘Mr.,’ and not as ‘Grandpa.’ Although it is true that I was not in their lives growing up, I was not a bad or cruel influence. A few years ago, I sent a Christmas gift (a large check) to one of these grandchildren, and I quickly received a nice thank you card, but it was addressed ‘Dear Mr. Smith.’

I was so angry that I never sent another gift and haven’t heard from them since. I am 87 years old. How do I become ‘Grandpa’ before it is too late?”

— From “Want to Be Grandpa” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 21 January 2018

Dear Want to Be Grandpa,

If people who’ve never been told to call you “grandpa” don’t automatically call you “grandpa” after receiving a large cash gift, perhaps it is not really worth having them in your life. But then again, what exactly is family for, if not silently stewing in aggrieved rage at people who failed to read your mind one time? You may already be “grandpa” at heart, if not in name.

“My brother and his wife recently had their second child through induced labor. On the delivery day, my mother asked what she could do to help. My brother asked her to go to his home, which is an hour away, sweep and vacuum the house, change the sheets and do the laundry because they didn’t have time.

I feel it was extremely inappropriate. Picking up diapers and making sure the bassinet has clean sheets are acceptable requests; cleaning the house is not. My mother wasn’t bothered by it, but I am appalled. Am I wrong?”

— From “STUCK IN THE MIDDLE” via “Dear Abby,” 23 November 2017

Dear Stuck in the Middle,

My dear, you are not at all wrong! The correct course of action in this situation would have been to engage in a loud and protracted performance of offense on your mother’s behalf, diverting the attention from your self-absorbed brother and sister-in-law, who were so seemingly obsessed with bringing life into this world that they couldn’t be bothered to assign your mother a task from the widely known “list of acceptable chores for grandmothers.” You should not have stood by for even one moment while your mother expressed her extreme unbotheredness at helping her children in this way — no indeed, only a fit to rival the cry of a newborn would have put right what your sister-in-law put wrong. Your family should have been rent asunder by this unthinkable offense; instead, they are ploughing through as if people are just allowed to decide what they want to do or be mad about or give two shits about, instead of engaging in a showy production about laundry.

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]]> https://theestablishment.co/bad-advice-on-family-destroying-cat-worship-210bc0c9865f/ Tue, 16 Jan 2018 18:38:35 +0000 https://theestablishment.co/?p=1561 Read more]]> Nothing has the potential to traumatize cats like being left alone, away from unfamiliar other cats, for a few hours in their own homes where they always live.

“My sister-in-law says she is very allergic to cats. She lives six hours away from my mom. My sister and I have cats and bring them with us when we visit our mom. My sister-in-law asked us if we could put the cats behind a gate or upstairswhen she and my brother visit. We believe that our cats are our family members. We refuse to put our cats away just because someone wants us to. Because of this, our sister-in-law stopped visiting.

Now she has a baby and this is the first grandchild in the family. She again asked if we would put the cats away while she visits so my mom can visit with her granddaughter. Again, we have refused to do this because our cats are just as important family members as her baby. We told her that she should drop off the baby with my mom, sister and me and that she can relax at the hotel while we visit.

She has refused to do this, and now just doesn’t visit. She tells my brother to visit whenever he wants, but that she and her baby will stay home. My mom cannot drive to their house, and now my mom has not seen her granddaughter at all. She is very upset. How do we fix this for our mom’s sake, without giving up our principles?

We need help soon because my sister-in-law is pregnant with her second child and we haven’t even met the first one! “

—From “Animal-loving Aunt” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 31 December 2017:

Dear Animal-Loving Aunt,

At the core of your quandary is not only your duty to maintain your cats’ quality of life by constantly displacing them in order to prove their worth against an infant who has neither the emotional nor cognitive ability to give the barest fuck, it’s also to make sure that your cats are treated like family members, which means putting them in little boxes and taking them everywhere you go, just as you would with any sibling or cousin who shits in a tub and considers a mysterious roving red dot their greatest enemy.

Consider the sacrifice your “allergic” sister-in-law (does she make laughable claims about occasionally getting “stuck in traffic” or being “swamped at work”?) is asking you to make. Nothing has the potential to traumatize cats like being left alone, away from unfamiliar other cats, for a few hours in their own homes where they always live while, miles away, an old woman looks at a baby. If your little fluffer-butts found out they had missed out on even one opportunity to spend a few hours inside a car or airplane, they would likely never forgive you. They could turn aloof and self-absorbed — sleeping for 18, 20, even 22 hours of the day. Your relationship with them might never recover.

In suggesting that your sister-in-law travel six hours with a baby in tow and purchase a hotel room and provide a baby delivery-and-drop service to your mother’s house, you have already proposed a reasonable solution that doesn’t require you to go through the onerous process of closing a door to a room with a cat inside. If it’s really so important that your mother meet her grandchildren, surely she can wait until the grandbabies are just about old enough to drive to her house and introduce themselves. Your cats will likely have shuffled off this mortal coil by then, and you can all enjoy each other’s company until a new kitten arrives and takes its rightful place: wherever you want it to be, no matter how much literal or emotional pain it causes anyone else.

Bad Advice On Berating Your Fat Friends’ Parenting Skills
theestablishment.co

“It annoys me when friends say, ‘Let’s get together! Throw out some dates that work for you’ — particularly after they have recently canceled plans. My husband travels for work, and we have two busy, young children. Finding free dates is a bigger task than most people assume. Is there a polite way to say, ‘If you want to get together so bad, you do the scheduling’?”

—From C.Z. via “Social Q’s,” New York Times, 12 October 2017

Dear C.Z.,

People who deserve the pleasure of your company should know better than to ask you to simply know which days you are free to get together, as if you’re some kind of psychic timelord with access to uniquely personal information such as your own calendar and capacity for socializing. But having a husband who travels for work is a heavy enough burden to bear, and this in addition to having two busy young children puts you in a uniquely extreme social crunch that most people are not going to be able to comprehend, which is probably why they don’t understand just how annoying it is to be asked when one is available instead of spending hours and perhaps days simply guessing dates at random until a mutually suitable time can be found, as real friends do. If you’re looking for a polite way to tell someone that you wish for them to repeatedly guess which days your husband will be out of town and which days your kids have piano lessons and what time their school starts and stops and which evenings you tend to spend at the gym and which religious services you attend and on what day instead of wasting time asking you directly when you are free, say: “Spend an indefinite and possibly infinite number of exchanges naming random things to do and random times to do them until I agree,please.”

“I threw a birthday party for myself. It was a big birthday for me, and I paid for everyone’s dinner (including wine). This was an expensive affair, and I went all out. Two couples (the wealthier ones, LOL) came without a gift (only a card). Was it presumptuous of me to find this rude?”

— “Miss Manners,” Washington Post, 13 January 2018

Gentle Reader,

Not at all! It is rude indeed to attend a child’s birthday party empty-handed.

By The Bad Advisor

“My wife and I are on a friendly basis with a couple who have two children under the age of 10.

Both of these adults are seriously overweight. The mother has stated, in fact, that she knows she is a ‘big girl,’ which (of course) is her business.

The problem is that the bad eating habits of the parents are beginning to affect the children. Both of the youngsters are now also overweight, though not yet obese.

We are very close to the grandparents, who are trying to convince the overweight mom to be more careful when feeding the children, but their efforts have been in vain. The overweight mom tells them simply to mind their own business.

I’m inclined to tell the obese parents that they must help the children to keep their weight down. Such a remark will cause a major kerfuffle, but I don’t care. What do you think?”

— From “Want to Intervene” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 7 January 2018

Dear Want to Intervene,

Fat people are always an unsightly bother to those who have the upstanding moral judgment and good sense to be thin, but a fat person who is not sufficiently ashamed of their size is a problem of another order. Your problem — and all fat people are everyone else’s problem — is twofold: First, this fat lady has failed to apologize profusely and constantly to you personally and the world at large for the size of her body, which you have no choice but to look at, contemplate, and analyze during every waking moment.

Second, this fat lady has already resisted her loved ones’ generous offers of assistance in developing shame around her body. So you’re fighting an uphill battle to begin with — luckily, you’re not fat, which means you can succeed at anything because you do not occupy more than an arbitrarily and culturally designated acceptable quantity of mass on earth, and are therefore a capable and good person.

Probably what’s happened is that this fat lady hasn’t been demeaned and degraded by the right people yet, and you’re just the person to bring a little big-boned beration into her life. She may not realize that if she is left to raise her children as she sees fit, they may turn out to be a size which displeases you, a fate that can only be avoided by your swift interference. It is essential that these children maintain a weight that is acceptable to a person who they may or may not know exists, lest they fail to maintain a weight that is acceptable to a person who they may or may not know exists.

You’re right not to mind causing a kerfuffle — shame and judgment is a 100% sure path to forcing fat people into thinness, and thin people never have any problems, experience heartache, fall ill, or die. If you don’t tell this family how fat they are, who will? The world at large? An annually cyclical litany of New Year-related diet panics touted as essential tools of self-care? A beauty mandate driven by culturally obligatory fat hatred, reinforced in almost every iteration of any public portrayal of a human body? Kerfuff away! If these people insist on being fat, you can at least insist on your god-given right to spend your eternal thin life mad about it.

Bad Advice On The Etiquette Of Boning Your Daughter’s Best Friend

“A few years ago, my husband planted a fig tree and cared for it like a baby through the cold Philadelphia winters. Finally, there is bounty! Every day, he brings in ripe figs and places them on the windowsill. But the crop is much bigger than our needs. When the figs begin to rot and I ask him if he’s going to throw them away, he looks heartsick. May I throw them out and pretend we ate them?”

—From “ANONYMOUS” via “Social Q’s,” New York Times, 19 October 2017

Dear Anonymous,

Throw the figs out and pretend you ate them! It’s literally the only thing to do with extra food, a strange and confusing phenomenon for which humanity has not yet developed a good solution. What a shame that there is nothing to do with fresh fruit besides just leaving it out on a windowsill to rot. If only the techniques and technologies that exist in fantastical works of science fiction — refrigeration, preservation, literally just sharing your extra shit with other people who could use it — were not relegated to pages of incomprehensible fancy.

“My wife and I are in our 60s. We have been married for some time and are very open-minded. She keeps insisting that she does not remember her first sexual experience. I would be curious to understand why in the world, unless someone was inebriated, the person would not recall this huge milestone.”

— From “BEWILDERED IN THE WEST” via “Dear Abby,” 3 January 2018

Dear Bewildered,

It’s difficult to say precisely, as it’s statistically unlikely that a writer of internet advice columns remembers your wife’s first sexual experience any better than she does. Best of luck getting to the bottom of this quandary, hope you someday manage to find the one of 7.44 billion people on earth who can help you answer it.

“Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?”

—From “She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway” via “Dear Prudence,” Slate, 14 December 2017

Dear She’s Not Invited,

You’re really in a diamond-encrusted pickle, here! Amy’s feelings matter since she has the same amount of money as you do or more, so you must be gentle with her, but at the same time, it’s essential that Mary fuck all the way off because she can’t afford pricey restaurants and is therefore a worthless piece of human scum who shall under no circumstances darken your bespoke, artisan, hand-crafted, limited-edition caviar doorway. You shouldn’t be subjected to the presence of someone who literally cannot afford your company just because Amy doesn’t mind slumming it with the poors. It’s certainly Amy’s prerogative, however bizarre, to seek to enjoy something about a person besides the quantity of their accrued wealth, but to foist this particular quirk upon others is thoughtless in the extreme.

In any case, this is Christmas! It’s terrible to be reminded of counter-service restaurants and grinding poverty any time of year — it’s why UberLUX exists, thank goodness — but during the holiday season, one especially deserves a break from bleak reminders that some people shop the clearance racks or literally have nowhere to sleep at night. Whatever Mary’s weird deal is withdeciding not to be as wealthy as you are, she has no place dampening the convivial atmosphere of your holiday shindig with her penury. Gently suggest that Amy avail herself of Mary’s company some other time — perhaps they can go shopping together to purchase a pair of mittens to cover Mary’s filthy urchin paws! Be sure to make this as easy as possible on Amy by suggesting she bring an alternate companion who will be more suited to the crowd you wish to cultivate; you might ask her if she knows anyone by the prestigious and wealthy family name of Scrooge.

“I joined the Navy after I learned I was becoming a father. I didn’t want to be a husband or father, but I did both. In 2010, my wife died. My feelings about being a husband and father never changed.

Our two children are now grown and want me to move near — or in with — them. They say, ‘Won’t it be great to be with your grandkids?’ No, it won’t!

I worked and supported my family. When I was in port, I went to baseball, softball and basketball games, had tea with my daughter and did everything I believe I should have done. I have served my time. I don’t want to ‘be close.’Honestly, I’d prefer they left me alone. I don’t love them, and I didn’t love their mother. I did my duty to the best of my abilities both in uniform and in family.

When we aren’t together, I’m happy. I read, I study and do what I like. I’ve earned that, haven’t I? How do I get them out of my life so that at age 52 I have my own life? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I never wanted a family in the first place.”

—From “NEVER WANTED A FAMILY” via “Dear Abby,” 10 December 2017

Dear Never Wanted A Family,

Tell your children and grandchildren to fuck off! You’re 52 years old and it’s time you finally sat down to read a book, like a real-life person who doesn’t have any family members. These self-obsessed people might think you’re joking at first, but be sure to really drive it home when they invite you to share your golden years with them like a bunch of fucking assholes: You don’t enjoy their company, which you never wanted, you think your grandchildren are a drag, you can hardly abide the thought of their very existence, and everything these miserable rubes ever thought they knew about their relationship with you is a complete lie. If that doesn’t stick, tell them that you never loved them and that you don’t currently love them and that the only reason you ever did jack shit for them was out of a sense of duty and obligation which in retrospect fills you with incandescent rage. Who cares if it hurts the feelings of a couple of miserable fucks who had the gall to be born? Die alone! You’ve earned it.

Bad Advice On Judging Your Friend’s Gross Slutty Instagram Photos
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“My daughter, who is 26, brought her best friend home for a visit last weekend. Unless I am mistaken, there were some sparks between the friend and me. What is the protocol for checking her interest? I don’t want to ask my daughter for permission until I know the friend is interested. May I contact her directly? (My wife and I are divorced.)”

— From “ANONYMOUS” via “Social Q’s,” New York Times, 26 October 2017

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your concern regarding adherence to established procedures before fucking your daughter’s best friend. It’s imperative that every step is completed in full in order to ensure compliance with today’s emerging standards concerning fucking your daughter’s best friend. Many advancements have been made in the field of fucking your daughter’s best friend, and it is essential that you educate yourself on the policy updates contained within section B, appendix 6-A of the Fucking Your Daughter’s Best Friend Common Manual of Frequently Asked Questions, or alternately, contained within the supplemental materials to the Handbook For Permanently Damaging Your Relationship With Your Daughter And Anyone Who Ever Vaguely Had Even A Modicum Of Respect For You, Dude. You may find additional resources in the New! Guide To Finding Literally Anyone Else Besides Your Daughter’s Best Friend To Fuck.

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

By The Bad Advisor

“My oldest friend and I are 17. We’ve known each other since preschool. Over the last year, I’ve watched her Instagram become pretty much dedicated to pictures of herself in push-up bras with blonder and blonder hair. It’s gross! As a guy, I’d like to tell her that her Instas make her look stupid. But my sister told me it’s none of my business. What do you think?”

—From “ANONYMOUS” via “Social Q’s,” New York Times, 7 December 2017

Dear Anonymous,

Ah, young master! Your sister has made an admirable attempt at using her little lady-brain to form one of those opinions with which the fairer sex is so fond of entertaining themselves, but alas: Simply because a young lady thinks something does not make it true.

To wit: This young woman of your long acquaintance thinks she is the sole and only boss of the way she looks and presents herself to the world, but she is clearly wrong, as her appearance displeases you, an adjacent guy. After all, what does this blossoming gal use her Instant Gram for, if not to entice and appeal to adjacent guys such as yourself?

There can be no reason for her to utilize the Instantaneous Telegrammatical device but for the purpose of soliciting the approval of area boners, of which you have one! Or do not, as the case may be — a problem that must hastily be remedied by this thoughtless little tart, who has so foolishly failed to fashion herself to your exquisitely refined tastes.

Do warn her that if she continues this little online charade, she may diminish your camaraderie — and with it, her access to the invaluable aesthetic judgments that you, duly credentialed as a man, so graciously offer her. If this young lady recoils at your suggestion that she modify her comportment, take heart! Allow her to take her appalling judgment and offensive visage elsewhere, leaving you to all that you deserve as a man of your disposition.

“It seems like only yesterday that several people came by and offered to cut our grass, but no one ever actually cut it. Now the snow is here, and we are unable to shovel our walkway and make a path to the mailbox.

We are getting up in age and cannot do these things on our own. Hiring a professional costs more than we can manage on our Social Security. What a great thing it would be for neighbors to teach their children to come across the road with their big riding mower or snowplow and make a couple of sweeps across our yard. We would so appreciate the assistance.”

—From “No Name, No Location” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” Creators.com, 10 December 2017

Dear No Name, No Location,

We hope that the self-absorbed nincompoops in No Location will recognize here their neighbors, The No Names, and step up to the plate when it comes to this appalling failure to anticipate and remedy the lawn care needs of people who’ve sent an urgent email to a stranger on the internet who has no way whatsoever of knowing whether the message will ever reach its intended audience or indeed who that audience even is or where that audience might even be. As a result, maybe these thoughtless area children will finally learn how to communicate like adults — through passive-aggressive third-party digs at people who are insufficiently psychic.

Bad Advice On The Woes Of Loving A Flagrantly Racist Cop

“I have been dating this guy for a year and a half and he’s not into making love. He’s happy if we only do it once a month and, when he does give in, he will only do the same old position. I, on the other hand, enjoy sex.

My ex (we have been apart eight years) is now in a sexless marriage. We started hooking up six months ago — just for sex — and it is awesome. Part of me feels guilty because I’m against cheating, but I need sex. What should I do?”

—From “CHEATING IN THE NORTH” via “Dear Abby,” 15 November 2017

Dear Cheating in the North,

A better question is — what shouldn’t you do? That’s easy: You shouldn’t do anything that would violate your own morals. Unless it’s cheating, because you need sex, something you can only obtain under the terms of your current arrangement with your ex. Obviously you’d really love to have sex with someone else, but unfortunately, your ex is the only person alive available for sex, and so you just have to keep having sex with him. Honestly, it would be such a relief to find someone else to have sex with — cheating really is awful! — but it’s not like you can just go out there and seek a mutually satisfying, mutually consensual, mutually monogamous relationship with someone who also wants to have sex with you instead of boning your ex and stringing this other guy along on a sled of disdain? Nope, this is your only option: Bone the ex (who, again, it’s worth repeating: is only valuable to you for sex, solely sex, just straight up sex, that is all) and keep dating this guy you resent because you don’t like the nature of his sex drive. That’s it. This is all of life!

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]]> https://theestablishment.co/bad-advice-on-the-woes-of-loving-a-flagrantly-racist-cop-480b0619e1d6/ Wed, 06 Dec 2017 00:19:48 +0000 https://theestablishment.co/?p=2906 Read more]]>

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

flickr/MyFuture.com

By The Bad Advisor

“I am engaged to a great guy with many wonderful qualities, and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him.

But he is prejudiced against one specific race, which also happens to be the race of several of my ex-boyfriends. He works in law enforcement, so part of me wants to attribute the racism to the fact that he has seen this particular race do many horrible things that I haven’t. This seems like a pretty trivial thing — we all have some sort of bias or prejudice — but it’s getting to the point where I can’t even talk to a member of this race in a work meeting about a work-related project without my fiance turning it into a huge fight and accusing me of trying to be a liaison for all [race] people.

He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, and I end up being the one to apologize and try to fix things — even though I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong either. The amount of time and energy we have spent arguing about this race is downright embarrassing.

I know you can’t change anyone, you can only change yourself, but short of moving to a commune in Massachusetts, I’m not sure what I can do. This seems like such a small thing to break up over, but it also seems like something I can’t argue about for the rest of my life.”

— From “Fiancee” via “Carolyn Hax,” Washington Post, 2 December 2017

Dear Fiancee,

Ugh, it is always such a drag when a little wholesale, virulent racism gets in the way of your dream wedding to a huge, obsessive racist! You’re just over here madly in love with an amazing man who believes that an entire race of people are fundamentally inferior to other humans, just trying to live your life like anybody who would rather not be mildly inconvenienced by the unabashed, rampant bigotry of their loved ones, and this piddly little matter of your dear fiance’s unchecked hatred rears its tiny, silly little head.

What an awful position you are in — imagine the potential outcome of staying together forever with this awesome dude who can’t abide the mention of an entire race of people without berating you at length for acknowledging their existence! You might have to discuss it further! Nothing on earth could possibly be worse than having to occasionally talk about racial prejudice with a police officer who lives to deride and attack those he has sworn to serve. Yep, that is 100% for sure the worst possible thing about a racist cop, is that people who affirmatively choose to bone him for eternity might have to listen to his bullshit, a terrible and unthinkable consequence that would be the most ghastly thing a human being on earth could ever go through.

Why Should You Become An Establishment Member For $5 A Month?

And really, why should you break up over something as inconsequential as the vile and repulsive beliefs that occupy your racist partner’s thoughts both at work and at home, making up a core aspect of his racist personality? We all have flaws! Some people chew with their mouths open, others tell the same stories over and over, and some of us, like the man you dream of spending the rest of your life with, are odious, repugnant racists who live to espouse and rehash their foul ideologies day in and day out. Your future husband probably puts up with your quirks — you probably leave your socks under the coffee table or forget to pick up kitty litter on occasion — so try to be a little more understanding when your fiance, who is regularly armed with a deadly weapon and encouraged to use it with almost indiscriminate power, repeatedly reiterates his deep and abiding hatred for people based on the color of their skin. You needn’t move to a commune in Massachusetts to give yourself the gift of ceasing to pretend like you care.

“I need your help. Over the past few weeks, I have been vacationing at my mother-in-law’s home. The other day I was browsing on her computer and accidentally opened her browsing history. It turns out that she regularly looks at and responds to Craigslist personals.

I was shocked when I read some of the perverted requests she has responded to. The language she used would make a sailor blush. Keep in mind, my mother-in-law is a married woman.

I don’t know how to react. Should I tell my wife? Keep it to myself? Make a fake Craigslist post and catch her in the act? “

— From “KINKS IN THE FAMILY” via “Dear Abby,” 12 November 2017

Dear Kinks in the Family,

What a trauma it must have been for you to make the agent and affirmative decision to go out of your way to intentionally and on purpose read many of your mother-in-law’s responses to personal ads. I’m so sorry for what you endured after you had the option not to dive into your mother-in-law’s browsing history and did it anyway. This whole situation that you absolutely could have avoided is really unfortunate for you.

The only solution is, as you say, to make a big public show of catching your mother-in-law in a perverted sex act, maybe even one with you, which is a real thing that is definitely a possibility and a favor your entire family will really appreciate the next time they accidentally read about it in the Penthouse letters section.

Bad Advice On Wedding Gifts And Other People’s Children

“I submit that even if my conduct is incorrect, I am entitled to a presumption that said conduct is an honest mistake, unless the conduct is truly heinous — which, in my case, it never is. Of course, others are likewise entitled to the same presumption from me. What do you think?”

— Via “Miss Manners,” Washington Post, 27 November 2017

Gentle Reader,

You’re great and everybody likes you and is dying to be around you all the time because you’re delightful and interesting and nobody on earth thinks you should just shut the fuck up already about the incident at the office holiday party, Kevin. It’s been eight years.

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]]> https://theestablishment.co/writer-of-the-week-andrea-grimes-e1dbaceca6c8/ Mon, 04 Dec 2017 23:02:43 +0000 https://theestablishment.co/?p=2912 Read more]]>

‘Sometimes I get to use writing to shape other people’s worlds, which is a tremendous privilege. Words, man. They’re a whole thing.’

Stereotypes can be (and usually are) odious, but goddamn if Andrea Grimes doesn’t feel like the very best of the Texan myths. Therein this “Texpat” lies a giant personality—a swaggering, red-lipsticked raconteur unrelenting in her ability to be seen and heard.

But more importantly, Andrea Grimes also defies one of my least favorite stereotypes on the planet—women aren’t funny.

Andrea, in fact, blows that stereotype right the fuck up like one of those circa 1945 photographs of nuclear bombs being tested in the Nevada desert; there ain’t nothing left of that bullshit by the time she is done. Nada.

Her column, “The Bad Advisor,” is funny. Really, really funny.

And you don’t have to believe me — just ask the droves of humans who clamor every Tuesday for the column, demanding, where the hell is it?! if delayed by just a few hours.

And it’s not just funny. Like the very best of satire, it’s also scathing, smart. It takes aim at our pettiness, our ignorance, our shitty, most selfish selves and wraps it all up in a glorious snark-package that will make you a better person.

It’s a kind of alchemy really.

Oh, and she’s also the executive producer of an amazing podcast—”Traitor Radio”—an aural wonderland designed to “engage entry-level social justice warriors, and to mobilize people at their points of privilege,” so we can all feel less hopeless and make our communities bigger, brighter, and more beautiful.

In short? We’re lucky as hell to have her brilliant mind-scrawlings here on The Establishment. This is what she had to say for herself.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Andrea Grimes is going to be reading at our December 14 event in San Francisco — HOLIDAZE! It’s gonna be a-m-a-z-i-n-g.
GET YOUR TICKETS RIGHT THE HELL HERE.]

You can generally find me writing in apocalyptic despair, on a tear on Twitter, while drinking cheap whiskey.

The writers that have most influenced my life are Joan Didion, Ann M. Martin, Abigail Van Buren, Bill Bryson, David Sedaris, Mark Twain, Samantha Irby, Roxane Gay, Mallory Ortberg, and Sarah Vowell.

The TV character I most identify with is Louise Belcher.

I think “paying writers in exposure” is…The answer to this question will cost you $500.

The coolest thing I’ve bought from money made writing is my mortgage. (Runner up: groceries.)

My most listened to song of all time is “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks.

If I could share one of my stories by yelling it into a megaphone in the middle of Times Square, it would be one of my Bad Advice columns, because you know there’s always some worthless ass-bag tottering around wondering if he can disown his gay son or out his trans niece or tell his boss she’s fat or buy his kid a thong and those assholes need to get a what-for, in public.

My 18-year-old self would feel very confused and conflicted about where I am today.

I like writing for The Establishment because being an advice columnist is real good but getting paid for it is better.

If I could only have one type of food for the rest of my life it would be sushi, all day, every day, please someone make this happen.

If I could give the amazing people who sponsor stories anything in the world to express my gratitude, it would be…another good-ass story. I mean that’s what they want, right?

The story I’m working on now is my NaNoWriMo project about ghosts who are fed up with ghost-hunters.

The story I want to write next is the true tale of two princesses who orchestrated a 5th-century nun revolt in France, joined up with a band of thieves, and took over their own abbey all because they thought the abbess was a complete asshole for making them make their beds and shit.

Writing means this to me: Writing is the one thing I am good at, the thing I can do almost effortlessly even when I hate it and don’t want to do it and can’t really stand to do anything. I can always write. It’s my comfort food, my therapist, my partner, my pet. It is the way I shape myself and my world. Sometimes I get to use writing to shape other people’s worlds, which is a tremendous privilege. Sometimes I just write the word “fuck” a lot and yell about shit that pisses me off. Words, man. They’re a whole thing.

If I could summarize writing in a series of three GIFs, it would be:

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

Wikimedia Commons

By The Bad Advisor

“My boyfriend, ‘Kevin,’ and I have been together for five years and have a 4-year-old son we are crazy about. For the past six months, I have been begging Kevin to have another child. Some days he’s all for it, but then he changes his mind and starts asking me to give him a good reason why we should. No matter what I say, he always says I want another child ‘just to have another.’ What can I tell him to make him change his mind?”

—From “SUFFERING WITH BABY FEVER” via “Dear Abby,” 23 October 2017

Dear Baby Fever,

Mutual enthusiasm for the creation of new life is overrated! Begin with “Abracadabra!” and then work your way through the rest of whatever Merriam-Webster has to offer in the way of enticing deeply ambivalent partners into parenthood. Surely one will trigger your boyfriend’s baby-override button and program him into being fully gung-ho about having a second child at your insistence. Added bonus: Cajoling and coercing a person into creating a whole new human being when they aren’t super sure this is a thing they want to do for the literal rest of their entire lives is sort of like giving birth, itself — to a person who can be conveniently hounded into compliance, which is what strong, healthy relationships are all about.

Why Should You Become An Establishment Member For $5 A Month?

“My girlfriend and I have been together for six years. Everything had been going good until this year. Three friends of hers got married recently, and I think it has caused her to wonder what it might be like to experience the whole thing herself. But I think she is more interested in the ritual of planning, walking down the aisle, and being the center of attention than the actual sanctity of marriage.

I say that because we already have a great life together. I know that after you’ve dated someone as long as we’ve dated, and to be in our thirties, being technically boyfriend and girlfriend can sound a bit juvenile. That’s why I always refer to her as my wife to my friends, family, and coworkers. In fact, where I live the law recognizes us as common-law man and wife. If we’re already getting along, and consider ourselves to be common-law married, what’s the point of going through an expensive wedding and wasting money just to be seen?”

— Via “Ask Willie D.,” Houston Press, 2 November 2017

Dear Common-Law Husband,

Women are pretty dumb, but never are they more dumb than when they want to get married, the dumbest thing of all. It’s lucky that your girlfriend (or your common-law wife? Who cares! Boy howdy would it ever be dumb to give a shit about this religious and legal distinction on the status of which a number of public accommodations and entitlements rely!) has you, a man, to help her understand just how dumb the shit she wants is. Imagine — if your girlfriend was left to her own devices, she’d go and get married just like millions of other dumb people, instead of not getting married, the very correct and manly thing to do.

Wanting to make a public declaration of partnership witnessed by your loved ones is just about the worst way to spend anybody’s time and money, but in your case it’s made worse by the fact that the woman you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with (maybe!) is incapable of deciding for herself what she wants out of life and is just copying her friends. Since you don’t see the point of weddings, weddings are therefore pointless. End of discussion (except for making a whole thing about it by writing into the newspaper). Bam. Please don’t have a mutually supportive, open conversation about what’s important to each of you, and to your future together. Your girlfriend is just super fickle and jealous, as women tend to be, and she’ll probably get over it by the next time she gets her hair colored or her nails done or passed over for partner at her law firm or whatever other meaningless shenanigans the ladyfolk are into these days.

Bad Advice On Reprimanding Your Slutty-Looking Adult Daughter

“I am a 31-year-old mom. My daughters are 7 and 5.

When we go to the beach, I always wear a thong or G-string bottom. My daughters have started to scrunch their bathing suit bottoms so their suits look like mine.

When we were shopping for new suits, my 7-year-old asked for a thong or G-string suit, just like the ones I wear.

She could not find one in the girls’ department and was very disappointed. My mother suggested that I buy a regular suit and take it to a seamstress and have it altered.

I don’t know if it’s appropriate for a 7-year-old to wear a thong or G-string bathing suit bottom. What do you think?”

— From “Wondering Mom” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 11 November 2017

Dear Wondering Mom,

What a quandary! On the one hand, you could err on the side of not having a custom g-string swimsuit made for your 7-year-old child. And on the other hand, you could have a custom g-string swimsuit made for your 7-year-old child! Ooof! 2017 really is full of conundrums. I mean, sure — everyone wants their 7-year-old child to run around in a bespoke thong, but is it okay? There are just so many pros and cons here, like, pro: child running around in a bespoke thong. Con: ??????? It seems like there should be a downside to that, but, who knows what it might be? Some kind of mass cultural aversion to the overt and intentional sexualization of children? Is that a thing that exists? There’s no way to know for sure. Better get bespoke thongs for the entire family just in case.

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