‘Thank you for your concern regarding adherence to established procedures before fucking your daughter’s best friend.’
“Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?”
—From “She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway” via “Dear Prudence,” Slate, 14 December 2017
Dear She’s Not Invited,
You’re really in a diamond-encrusted pickle, here! Amy’s feelings matter since she has the same amount of money as you do or more, so you must be gentle with her, but at the same time, it’s essential that Mary fuck all the way off because she can’t afford pricey restaurants and is therefore a worthless piece of human scum who shall under no circumstances darken your bespoke, artisan, hand-crafted, limited-edition caviar doorway. You shouldn’t be subjected to the presence of someone who literally cannot afford your company just because Amy doesn’t mind slumming it with the poors. It’s certainly Amy’s prerogative, however bizarre, to seek to enjoy something about a person besides the quantity of their accrued wealth, but to foist this particular quirk upon others is thoughtless in the extreme.
In any case, this is Christmas! It’s terrible to be reminded of counter-service restaurants and grinding poverty any time of year — it’s why UberLUX exists, thank goodness — but during the holiday season, one especially deserves a break from bleak reminders that some people shop the clearance racks or literally have nowhere to sleep at night. Whatever Mary’s weird deal is withdeciding not to be as wealthy as you are, she has no place dampening the convivial atmosphere of your holiday shindig with her penury. Gently suggest that Amy avail herself of Mary’s company some other time — perhaps they can go shopping together to purchase a pair of mittens to cover Mary’s filthy urchin paws! Be sure to make this as easy as possible on Amy by suggesting she bring an alternate companion who will be more suited to the crowd you wish to cultivate; you might ask her if she knows anyone by the prestigious and wealthy family name of Scrooge.
“I joined the Navy after I learned I was becoming a father. I didn’t want to be a husband or father, but I did both. In 2010, my wife died. My feelings about being a husband and father never changed.
Our two children are now grown and want me to move near — or in with — them. They say, ‘Won’t it be great to be with your grandkids?’ No, it won’t!
I worked and supported my family. When I was in port, I went to baseball, softball and basketball games, had tea with my daughter and did everything I believe I should have done. I have served my time. I don’t want to ‘be close.’Honestly, I’d prefer they left me alone. I don’t love them, and I didn’t love their mother. I did my duty to the best of my abilities both in uniform and in family.
When we aren’t together, I’m happy. I read, I study and do what I like. I’ve earned that, haven’t I? How do I get them out of my life so that at age 52 I have my own life? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I never wanted a family in the first place.”
—From “NEVER WANTED A FAMILY” via “Dear Abby,” 10 December 2017
Dear Never Wanted A Family,
Tell your children and grandchildren to fuck off! You’re 52 years old and it’s time you finally sat down to read a book, like a real-life person who doesn’t have any family members. These self-obsessed people might think you’re joking at first, but be sure to really drive it home when they invite you to share your golden years with them like a bunch of fucking assholes: You don’t enjoy their company, which you never wanted, you think your grandchildren are a drag, you can hardly abide the thought of their very existence, and everything these miserable rubes ever thought they knew about their relationship with you is a complete lie. If that doesn’t stick, tell them that you never loved them and that you don’t currently love them and that the only reason you ever did jack shit for them was out of a sense of duty and obligation which in retrospect fills you with incandescent rage. Who cares if it hurts the feelings of a couple of miserable fucks who had the gall to be born? Die alone! You’ve earned it.
“My daughter, who is 26, brought her best friend home for a visit last weekend. Unless I am mistaken, there were some sparks between the friend and me. What is the protocol for checking her interest? I don’t want to ask my daughter for permission until I know the friend is interested. May I contact her directly? (My wife and I are divorced.)”
— From “ANONYMOUS” via “Social Q’s,” New York Times, 26 October 2017
Thank you for your concern regarding adherence to established procedures before fucking your daughter’s best friend. It’s imperative that every step is completed in full in order to ensure compliance with today’s emerging standards concerning fucking your daughter’s best friend. Many advancements have been made in the field of fucking your daughter’s best friend, and it is essential that you educate yourself on the policy updates contained within section B, appendix 6-A of the Fucking Your Daughter’s Best Friend Common Manual of Frequently Asked Questions, or alternately, contained within the supplemental materials to the Handbook For Permanently Damaging Your Relationship With Your Daughter And Anyone Who Ever Vaguely Had Even A Modicum Of Respect For You, Dude. You may find additional resources in the New! Guide To Finding Literally Anyone Else Besides Your Daughter’s Best Friend To Fuck.