It’s almost the beginning of a new year! For some reason, this means that you are supposed to appraise yourself and come up with a list of tweaks, adjustments, and major overhauls to get to a better you. You’re supposed to slim down, shape up, sleep more, drink less, clean your house, save your money. Every year we make these lists. About a month later, we all feel like shit.

Well fuck all that. Fuck diets and exercise and definitely fuck cleaning the house. Fuck virtue and self-improvement and the thought that you have to become a completely different person to be worthy of love and pride and self-respect. This year, you only need one New Year’s Resolution. I don’t care who you are, this resolution will improve your life and the lives of those around you. Here it is:

Don’t Be An Asshole

That’s it. That’s your resolution for 2016. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it will make. Wake up in the morning and say, “Today I will Not Be An Asshole.” Then go out and Don’t Be An Asshole.

Here are some great ways in which you can Not Be An Asshole:

-Tip more

-Use your turn signals

-Don’t correct random strangers on the Internet

-Don’t support Trump

-Let drivers merge into your lane

-Let the devil advocate for himself

-Don’t critique people’s bodies

-Don’t critique people’s clothing

-Respect pronouns

-Recycle

-Believe people

-Vote for education funding

-Don’t tell homeless people to “get a job”

-Make eye contact with service workers (provided that different neurological ability doesn’t prevent you from being able to comfortably do so)

-Don’t wear perfume to the office

-Don’t give diet advice

-Don’t troll on the internet

Now, I could go on and on — that’s the great thing about Not Being An Asshole. There are hundreds of opportunities a day to get that wonderful feeling of New Year’s Resolution achievement. Why, just today, I can say that I’ve managed to Not Be An Asshole about 90% of the time. Pretty good, right? Gold star for me.

And the great thing about this resolution is that, even if you fuck up, you can still turn it around by the number one way to Not Be An Asshole:

Apologize

Oh man, this is the golden ticket to Not Being An Asshole Success. When you forget that you are trying to Not Be An Asshole or maybe you didn’t realize that you were not Not Being An Asshole, being able to say, “Sorry I was an asshole” is a great way to get yourself back on the path of Not Being An Asshole!

This is a great resolution to do with friends as well, because you can hold each other accountable — like diet buddies, only actually good for your well-being and self-esteem. When you see your resolution-buddy slipping, you can assist with the friendly reminder, “Dave, remember? We’re Not Being Assholes.” And you can congratulate each other, “Gosh Sarah, that 20% tip is genuinely Not Asshole of you!” Maybe make sticker charts!

So this year, throw out your New Year’s lists and just write in permanent marker on all surfaces of your home: DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE. Let’s all Not Be Assholes! Make 2016 a better, brighter, more Asshole-free year!

Well you did it! You got through the holiday with most of your wits intact, you didn’t murder anyone, and you probably only cried a little (lot). You deserve a reward. No, the gifts you got from friends and family don’t cut it. They probably suck. You deserve a gift of peace and serenity.

But you’re broke as fuck because you spent all your money on scented candles for relatives you don’t even like. How do you unwind on a budget?

As a writer, I’m always two things: broke and creative. I’m also a single mom always in need of a little R&R. I’ve mastered the cheap retreat over the years and I’m here to share some ideas with you!

Give yourself a scrub-down.

This will simple concoction will calm your muscles and have you feeling soft as a newborn baby. Mix together equal parts sugar and oil (I like to use almond oil, but olive, jojoba, or coconut will work just fine) into a paste. Spread the paste onto a body brush or washcloth. Scrub your body vigorously. Take a little and scrub your lips as well. Rinse with warm—not hot—water. Pat dry, and seal in the moisture with a little more oil. Then spend the rest of your week feeling up your arms and going “oohh”.

Make yourself some pudding.

Anybody who knows me knows that when times get tough, the tough make pudding. Homemade pudding is one of the most comforting foods on the planet. It’s buttery creamy goodness takes you back to a better childhood than you actually had. And pudding is so easy to make! Here’s my go-to recipe for butterscotch feminist pudding.

Ijeoma’s Feminist Pudding

Ingredients:
¼ cup butter
1/3 cup brown sugar
½ t vanilla
¼ t salt
3 T bourbon or whiskey (optional)
3 T cornstarch
2 T white sugar
2 cups whole milk
1 cup half and half

Melt the butter in a saucepan over med-hi heat. Add brown sugar. When brown sugar is melted (but not bubbling, we’re not making candy), add 1 cup of milk and the half and half. Stir in the vanilla, salt and bourbon. Stir occasionally until it comes to a low boil.

In a separate bowl, mix together the remaining cup of milk, cornstarch, and white sugar. Pour into the boiling stovetop mixture, whisking while you pour. Stir until its thick enough that it covers the back of your spoon when you lift it out of the pudding. Then remove from heat and let cool, or eat scalding hot like I do.

Reread your favorite teenage book.

While re-watching movies is not always recommended unless you want to find out how problematic your past faves really are, books are different, because they engage our imagination and memory, allowing us to both travel back in time to our youthful selves while also reinterpreting and updating the text.

It’s a relaxing and reinvigorating experience. I keep old Zanth novels around for this very purpose.

Get crafty.

Oh man, I love crafts, especially if I’m stressed. Something about focusing all my energies on a new project really calms me. Here are some of my former, low-cost, craft obsessions:

Newspaper baskets: You can make these adorable baskets from old newspapers or even used office paper! And if it turns out horrible, you spent zero dollars.

Magazine Reed Box: Doesn’t this look awesome? You totally have all the supplies for this tutorial just laying around.

Nail art: Zen at your fingertips. I KNOW IT’S CHEESY BUT IT’S TRUE.
Check out Cute Polish for some newby-friendly tutorials.