Content warning: descriptions of disordered eating behaviors and publications using problematic language surrounding eating disorders

It’s the holiday season, and I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty into it this year. Maybe after the abject horror of over 1 year and 340 days of President Trump, I’m in need of some cheer. Warm hats and fuzzy socks. Pretty lights.

This year I didn’t even mind the constant barrage of the same Christmas music everywhere I went. (Although I still don’t know why they can’t play one song from one of the other December holidays.)

But there’s one thing that does rain on my parade: the inevitable articles from every website claiming to be about “health,” popping up to shame me about what I eat during this food-focused season. The holiday—“Holy Crap You’re Eating More Food Than Usual, Fret and Panic”—articles come out around the same time as the Peppermint Lattes.

Every year it’s “5 Ways to Have a Healthier Thanksgiving” and “Burn Off Those Holiday Splurges.” It bums me out, not just because I’m trying to have a healthy body image and you are not helping, but because I worry about all the people I know who have eating disorders.

In recent years “health” publications have become a little more sensitive about how they approach the topic of weight and dieting thanks to body positive movements and the efforts of those struggling with/recovering from eating disorders, but we’re far from where we need to be.

There is a more than slight chance that this has something to do with how lucrative the business of telling people to lose weight has been. Three of the five most-circulated health magazines — Prevention, Men’s Health, andWomen’s Health — are owned by Rodale, Inc.

This October, it was announced that the book and magazines owned by Rodale will be bought by the mass media conglomerate Hearst Communications for close to $225 million. This might seem like quite a hefty chunk of change to us normal human beings, but Hearst saw a revenue of $10.8 billion in 2016. According to U.S. News (which, ironically, has its own health section with annoying and potentially harmful headlines), the diet industry rakes in $60 billion every year.

That’s a lot of influence in the hands of publications that claim to be relevant at least, and imperative at best, to your entire life. Remedy’s Healthy Living, with over three million active subscriptions, is all about “Your Way of Life.” The second most popular is “Prevention Magazine: Love Your Whole Life.” “Shape Magazine: Shape Your Life.”

Is there something more to life than the physical shape of my body? I can’t seem to remember.

In truth, however, I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I learned about “pro-ana” communities and began studying them.

Pro-ana is short for “pro-anorexia.” As in: “We at Anorexic Diet tips blog publish the best pro ana diet plans and pro ana tips and tricks to lose weight fast and become anorexic,” explains AnorexicDietTips.com.

Groups like this have received little media attention—despite them being egregiously dangerous—but what’s just as horrifying is the fact that tips commonly found on the most popular pro-ana sites and forums are not so different from those found on Health.com, or any number of other “health” sites.

One Health.com article from earlier this year is titled “49 Ways to Trick Yourself Into Feeling Full.” It’s full of fun little tips like drinking water before a meal and chewing gum instead of eating. These are frighteningly similar to the tips found on popular threads from MyProAna.com, a pro-ana forum and one of the first websites that comes up when you google the term “pro-ana.”

“Drinking an entire glass of water before every meal fills your belly, so you’ll likely end up eating less than you otherwise would have. During your meal, taking sips in between bites will help slow your pace and eat less overall.” — Health.com

“I guess you all know water is your bestie. Drink AT LEAST 8 glasses of water, or a glass per hour … Have a sip of water between each bite, It will help you to fill up faster and won’t make you overeat.” —MyProAna.com

Even more alarming are the tips that rely directly on shaming yourself for eating.

“Watching yourself eat junk food triggers discomfort, since you’re suddenly very aware of the unhealthy choice. So if you’re seeking an easy way to boost your weight-loss goals, consider picking up a new decorative mirror for your dining room or kitchen.” —Health.com

“Eat while watching yourself in the mirror naked. How much are you able to eat now?” —MyProAna.com

A big part of the pro-ana “movement” is keeping strict track of everything you eat. Sound familiar? What “health” publication these days doesn’t advocate for keeping a food journal? Not that having a food journal is going to make you anorexic or is necessarily negative or predicated on self-harm, but the language these publications use is, again, alarming.

“The power of the food journal is that it keeps you accountable and makes you more aware. You are less likely to grab that piece of chocolate cake if you know you have to write down later and face the ultimate critic (AKA you),” says the website for the popular book “Eat This, Not That.”

How else can I shame myself for eating?

“There are many ways to track your progress, from basic approach to just weighing yourself every day to using various fitness tracking apps or using the wearable devices that can help you accurately count the number calories you are taking and burning,” echoes a pro-ana site.

People suffering from this devastating illness very often make a set of rules for themselves around eating, and make these rules stricter over time. This is a common feature of related eating disorders as well, which means that all together they affect at least 30 million people in the U.S. alone. This path leads to more death than any other type of mental illness.

At least one person dies every 62 minutes from an eating disorder. According to the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, “Hospitalizations for eating disorders in children under the age of 12 years old increased by 119% between the years of 1999 and 2006.” 50% of teen girls and 33% of teen boys “engage in unhealthy weight control behaviors” as of 2017.

Eating disorders lead to more death than any other type of mental illness.
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Pro-ana sites lean in to these self-imposed rules hard—and it’s this kind of attitude that leads directly to the disease, as victims become addicted to a dangerous sense of control.

You know who else talks about “rules” a whole lot?

“The 10 Rules of Weight Loss That Lasts” — Shape Magazine

“6 Eating Rules For Faster Weight Loss” — Prevention

“The 10 Rules of Weight Loss” — Runner’s World

“5 rules of fast fat loss” — Men’s Fitness

“5 Rules You Need to Follow if You Decide to Lose Weight” — Women’s Health Magazine

Yikes.gov.

Perhaps worst of all is the way both the “health” industry and pro-ana movement demonize food. Some foods are okay to eat, but they’re increasingly hard to come by. It recently came to public attention that fat was thrown under the bus by the sugar industry for sweet, sweet profits.

As it turns out, you need fat to live — a fact you might forget if you spend too much time in a pro-ana forum. Or on WomensHealth.com. You know what else you need to live? Sugar. I know there’s a difference between “refined” sugars and “natural” sugars, but I know at least half a dozen people who have tried diets that cut out all sugars — even those found in fruits and vegetables.

Biochemist Leah Fitzsimmons doesn’t think this is a particularly good idea.

Glucose is a simple sugar found in the blood of all animals—without it we die. We need sugar to live. It’s the main source of energy for our mammal brains, and disruption of “normal glucose metabolism” is a root cause of a number of brain disorders. Sugar is literally brain food.

We need fat to live. According to a study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, the healthy range for body fat content is between 8 and 33%.

Another recent study found that low-fat diets might be killing people. Oops!

We need carbs to live. Carbohydrates are our main source of energy. They come in many different forms, and guess what, we need all of them! Carbs have a number of essential functions in the body, including that glucose regulation we talked about earlier. Also, pooping.

We need salt to live. I have family members who went on a low-salt diet and ended up with intense headaches and constant thirst no matter how much water they drank. Turns out salt is essential for allowing our cells to absorb and retain water. Critically low levels of salt can put your body into shock and send you into a coma.

In short? Health is very, very, complicated. What’s good for one person might not work at all for another. Eating only bagels will likely make you feel like crap, but then again, so will eating nothing but kale. If “health” publications are actually concerned about leading people toward eating disorders, they need to read into some of these pro-ana and pro-mia (pro-bulimia) sites and forums and sit with their horror for a spell, then rethink their entire existence.

Because demonizing food and shaming eating is not healthy, it’s lethal.

21 gleeful gift ideas to help you resist, babies. Resist.

I remember as last year drew to a close we were all making cutesy 2016 dumpster fire ornaments and naively telling ourselves that the coming year was going to be better. It had to be, right? Then in swept that weird personification of New Year’s, the jolly baby with the 2017 sash, and he chortled darkly and was all, “You fools, you have no idea how bad I’m gonna be.” We just looked at each other and laughed nervously and said, “Oh, well, what does an ugly old baby know anyway?”

But guess what? That baby knew.

Oh did that baby ever know.

Anyway, here we are at the end of 2017, grizzled, battle-weary, and staring down the barrel of yet another year of Trump as president. This holiday season, it feels tempting to go full hermit — after all, who feels like celebrating right now? Not me, that’s for sure. But you know what? I’m not going to give into my desire to crawl into bed for the next three months. Instead, my final act of resistance in this long year of resisting will be to celebrate the fuck out of the holidays.

I’m gonna spend the next few weeks shoveling canapés into my mouth and tossing back frouffy drinks like there’s no tomorrow. I’m going to have fun in spite of everything. My glee will be a giant middle finger to the entire Trump administration. I’ll be the William Wallace of Christmas parties, yelling that they can do their best to take our lives but they’ll never take our ability to experience joy.

With that in mind, I offer you the 2017 Feminist Killjoy Gift Guide. Resist, babies. Resist.

1. Princess Leia ‘Rebel’ Mug

It’s no secret that I fucking love Carrie Fisher and, by extension, Leia Organa. More than once during this bleak year I’ve reminded myself that if General Organa can keep fighting the Empire after losing literally every important person in her life, then I can certainly try to push through my despair and do my part. And what better daily reminder to destroy oppressive systems than drinking your morning coffee out of this mug? I know rebel can be a noun, but in this case I prefer to think of it as a verb in the second person imperative — a reminder to get out there and rebel already.

2. ‘Get Lost (In A Book)’ Pin

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman reading a book alone in a coffee shop is bound to draw the attention of every Literary Young Man within a five mile radius. “Wow, that’s a big book,” they’ll say. “Who’s it by? Oh, I’ve never heard of her. Have you ever read any Bukowski?” Since silently engaging in the solo activity of reading a book isn’t enough to convince these men that you don’t want to talk to them, try wearing this delightful Get Lost pin.

3. Truth Bombs Bath Bombs

Lately to de-stress I’ve been taking a lot of Ativan baths. And not just baths, but luxury fucking baths. I mean, baths with epsom salts, bath bombs, candles, snacks, drinks — the works. I spend hours reading escapist fiction in the bath and pretending everything is fine. It’s very therapeutic! For a hilarious twist on the bathing experience, I recommend Truth Bombs, bath bombs that contain messages like “he doesn’t deserve you” and “congrats, you’re basic.” Like fortune cookies but more soothing for the muscles!

4. ‘#Resist Bear’ Shirt

If there was one thing none of us could predict about the Trump presidency, it was that the National Parks would be the first government service to go rogue. And yet, that’s exactly what they did in January of this year! Show your support for those disruptors disguised as park rangers with this Smokey-looking Bear #Resist shirt.

5. Angry Girls Club Colouring Zine

If there’s anything better than devoting a soothing afternoon to coloring books and perfectly sharpened pencil crayons, it’s definitely doing all of that with the bonus of having a handmade feminist zine to color in. The Angry Girls Club Colouring zine helps you make your self-care even more political than it already was!

6. Dust II Onyx: A Melanated Tarot

Tarot can be a fun and amazing tool for getting in touch with your intuition, but unfortunately most of the mainstream tarot decks available don’t reflect the diversity of those practicing the craft. Artist Courtney Alexander is working to rectify that with her gorgeous Dust II Onyx deck, which, according to her website, features “78 mixed media collage paintings accented with gold and spot gloss featuring cultural myths, symbolism, history and icons within the Black Diaspora.” The deck also comes with a 220-page hardbound guidebook.

7. Many Moons Workbook

Speaking of all things woo, I can’t recommend this workbook highly enough. Using wonderfully inclusive language, Many Moons offers rituals, astrology, and endless encouragement for every moon phase in a six month period. I was honestly skeptical at first, but it has been genuinely life-changing. My therapist refers to it as my “lunar-based cognitive behavioral therapy,” which, frankly, isn’t far from the truth. This is the perfect treat for someone in your life who is feeling a little lost and is looking to connect with her witchy side.

8. ‘Dinosaur Eats Man, Woman Inherits The Earth’ Patch

A bonus feature of this patch is that every time you see it you will probably think of Jeff Goldblum lying around sweaty and shirtless in Jurassic Park. I mean, only if that’s your thing! It is definitely my thing.

9. ARTSNACKS Subscription Box

I fucking love a good subscription box. Cute things? That I like? Every month? In the mail? Sign me the heck up! If making art is your jam, then this box is for you. Every month you’ll get 4–5 full-sized art products, a “menu” describing each product, and some information on how to use it and what techniques to try. Even more fun, there’s a “challenge” every month to try to create something using only the products in that month’s box, and participants are encouraged to post their creations on social media under the hashtag #ArtSnacksChallenge. The great thing about art is that you can use it either to avoid your feelings or work through your feelings. It’s very versatile!

10. ‘Girls Against More Male Art’ Socks

Speaking of art, these socks would be perfect for the person in your life who is tired of going to galleries and seeing works that are 99.9% by dudes. Because it’s not that we hate male art, it’s just that we don’t really need more of it.

11. ‘Liberté, Egalité, Sorotité’ Wall Tapestry

France’s post-revolution motto of liberté, égalité, fraternité (liberty, equality, brotherhood) is pretty alright, but it’s even better when you substitute sisterhood for brotherhood. This wall hanging would make an excellent addition to any Feminist Killjoy’s living space!

12. ‘Fuck Shame’ Pin

Fuck shame. Just fuck it. Fuck feeling ashamed about our bodies, our emotions, our life choices. Fuck it all.

13. ‘Decolonize Body Image’ Magnet

Nalgona Positivity Pride is a xicana-brown* body-positive organization that focuses on creating eating disorders awareness in communities of color, and on decolonizing the body. They make beautiful art like this magnet, which serves the double purpose of sprucing up someone’s fridge and reminding everyone around to challenge Euro-centric beauty standards.

14. ‘Nonbinary’ Pin

This delightfully nerdy pin features the word “nonbinary” written in binary code. Perfect for the nerdy nonbinary individual in your life who loves a good pun!

15. ‘I Am Rooting For Everybody Black’ Shirt

I know a lot of people who love this Issa Rae quote. Maybe you know some too? If yes, I bet they would love one of these shirts!

16. ‘Be An Eleven’ Tote

Get out there. Fuck shit up. Save your friends. Save the world. Wear a cute dress. Eat a box of eggos. Glare nonchalantly at people. Don’t lie. Be an Eleven. We need more Elevens.

17. ‘GRL PWR’ Pillow

This delightful pillow — which is available in a range of pastel colors — would perfectly complement the decor of many a Feminist Killjoy’s abode. Throw pillows make great gifts because they say, “I want your place to look cute but I also want you to take naps if you need to.”

18. ‘A Witch Bows To No Man’ Sticker

This sticker is perfect for the feminist witch in your life. Which I suspect is most of the witches in your life. And if you don’t have any witches in your life, well, I suggest you find yourself some because witches are some of the best people around.

19. ‘Feminist’ Necklace

“Nice necklace,” he’ll say.

“Thank you,” the friend you bought this necklace for will say. “It is the metaphorical knife with which I will slice the white-cis-heteropatriarchy into ribbons. And then I will use those ribbons to decorate whatever I want. Maybe you’ll even want a ribbon to wear in your hair, because once the revolution is over men will no longer be terrified of embracing traditionally feminine accoutrements.”

“Oh,” he’ll say. “Ok. Good. Did you want any cream or sugar in your coffee?”

20. ‘Trans Punks’ Shirt

“Smash The Cis-tem” would make a great band name, I’m just saying. And this shirt would make a great gift for someone on your list!

21. Maxine Waters Pin

Let us conclude this list (and our year) by taking a cue from the venerable Maxine Waters and reclaiming our time. This pin is ideal for the days when you need a little encouragement to remind the men in your life to stop talking over you and LET YOU USE YOUR TIME. Now is the time to reclaim everything that belongs to you and you alone: your time, your joy, your place in the world.

Shine bright, darlings. Happy holidays.

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]]> https://theestablishment.co/dead-cats-periods-stolen-trees-6-unforgettable-holiday-memories-90b5da455838/ Sat, 24 Dec 2016 06:45:25 +0000 https://theestablishment.co/?p=6101 Read more]]> When I rose to pass a dish, I felt a weird wet sensation when I sat back down. I ignored it. But as I ate, I realized I didn’t feel good. Thinking I was about to make more room for ham and scalloped potatoes, I grabbed a magazine and went to my favorite stall in the locker-room-style bathroom.

If aliens watched Hallmark movies to understand what the winter holiday season is all about, they’d likely presume it’s a time of sugary sweetness and uncomplicated bliss.

If aliens spent time with actual humans over the holidays, they’d likely come to a very different conclusion.

True, the holidays can be a time of great love and good cheer. But they can also be a time of messy dysfunction and unexpected tragedy.

Often, they’re a bit of all of the above.

To celebrate the true spirit of the season, we asked writers to send us short essays about the holiday they’ll never forget.

Aliens, take note.

That Christmas I Got My First Period At A Homeless Shelter
By Jessica Sutherland

There, I discovered blood on my panties: Of all the days, in all the places, I had Become A Woman at a fucking homeless shelter on Christmas Day.

That Christmas With The Awkward Cat Death
By Laura Lily Rose

Our flight happened to be the last flight out on Christmas Eve. We had spent a ton of time packing and my sister had spent a ton of time panicking but finally we were in the sky soaring over central California. The plane landed and we picked up our bags and crammed into an Uber. The ride to the hotel was talkative and fun. I had honestly forgotten that we even had a cat — until we were upstairs in the hotel room setting our stuff down.

That’s when my sister’s phone rang.

That Chanukah I Celebrated My First Faux-Pas-Filled Christmas
By Sarit Luban

As a child, non-Jewish peers had frequently remarked that Chanukah must be cooler than Christmas because you got presents for eight days instead of just one. Not in my family. My parents had resisted the Americanization and commercialization of Chanukah, urging us to focus on its historical significance and generations-old rituals. On a “good year,” I was lucky to receive even one gift. So I did not enter Christmas expecting much, or anything, really.

That Christmas My Dad Ripped Off The Top Of A Tree
By Tamara J. Lee

The morning after that lunch, I was working to deadline and considered not answering the knock on the door. But the second — emphatic — knock worked.

Fir tree branches, like hands, greeted me.

That Christmas We Got Three Curling Irons From The Salvation Army
By Maranda Elizabeth

Like most people, we had no need for three curling irons in one household.
“We should have told them we’re 16,” one of us said.
“We shouldn’t have told them we’re twins,” said the other.
“We shouldn’t have told them we’re both girls.”

That Christmas I Walked Out On A Megachurch Propaganda Film
By Brianna Meeks

My parents excitedly gathered me, my fiancé, my brother, his girlfriend, and my younger sister into the living room. They’d decided to screen a non-nativity Christian film called “Courageous” — a weird Christian propaganda film written, produced, and (I’m pretty sure) starring the pastor of a megachurch in Georgia named Alex Kendrick.

“Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays . . . ”

This might be the truest line from any song written for this time of year — a line that fills some with warm waves of nostalgia and others with cold shivers of dread. Those on Team Dread aren’t necessarily from families that treat(ed) them badly. Many are simply exhausted at the thought of having to travel YET AGAIN this year, as they have been required to do every year since they left home. The emotional consequences of not going — perish the thought! — can last throughout the year and into future holidays.

And so we trudge home, through airports and/or holiday traffic with kids and gifts. Why? Because we’re the one(s) who left.

Left.

The word loomed over me for years.

It didn’t matter that I’d left to go to college or that I’d stayed in the new city for a job. It didn’t matter that I was only two hours away from my hometown or that there was a reliable, affordable train connecting it to my new home in Chicago. What mattered was that I LEFT. This inescapable fact meant that it was my responsibility forever and ever (amen!) to make the trek back to Indiana. It was exhausting long before the first time my mom disowned me right before the Christmas of 2011.

The cost of having to return was inconsequential to my parents. Taking off work from hourly jobs without paid vacation or sick days meant that the trip home wasn’t just the $25 or so in gas and tolls or even the time I spent driving exhausted when I shouldn’t have. To go home for a couple days at Christmas could easily cost me $500–1,000, depending on the day of the week Christmas fell and which jobs I was working at the time. But, no matter. I LEFT — therefore, I must return.

‘Left.’ The word loomed over me for years.
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And when I showed up, I better be in a festive mood, goddamnit! Four 60-hour weeks in a row in a retail job listening to Mariah Carey’s holiday album on repeat (OMG it’s only like 42 minutes long) before driving five hours home at half speed in a blizzard resulting in my not being able to stomach Christmas carols? SUCK IT UP! No understanding, no mercy. So much for the sentiment behind those carols, I thought to myself.

The imperative to return home for Christmas was made additionally exhausting, stressful, and expensive because it’s only a month after Thanksgiving. It wouldn’t be until after I graduated college that I was allowed to take advantage of our annual Thanksgiving location: 40 minutes from my new home at my favorite aunt’s house. During college, I was expected to drive home on the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving (by far the worst traffic of any day of the year) so that I could ride with my parents two hours back in the direction FROM WHENCE I HAD COME LESS THAN 12 HOURS EARLIER to my aunt’s. Why? I needed to wake up at my parents’ house Friday morning for the annual Christmas decorating bonanza.

Couldn’t we have done the decorating a different day? Or perhaps I could have met my parents at Thanksgiving and then just driven to their house when we all left Thursday evening? Not a chance. It wasn’t worth the anxiety spike that would begin as early as Halloween when I would try and broach the subject of compromise.

I would continue to perform holidays as required to keep the peace for 15 years.

Since 2011’s disowning, when I was told not to feel I had to come home for Christmas, my relationship with holidays has changed — sometimes abruptly, sometimes gradually. I’ve become friends with and heard from folks who have their own stories of being the one who left and the one expected to return, no matter the circumstances. Sharing these experiences has given me a healthier perspective on familial expectations and responsibilities.

I’ve arrived at a place where I now regularly make the case for not going home for the holidays.

Even those without strained relationships have a weight to their words when they talk about “going home” this time of year. I think it begins right there with that phrase.

If I have lived somewhere else longer than I lived in my hometown, why must I call it “home?” The first time I said I had to “go home” when I was already at my parents’ house, bystanders would have thought I’d socked my mom in the stomach and declared I was leaving forever. I hadn’t done it intentionally; usually I was more deliberate with my words and actions in her house so as to make it through without a blow-up of any kind. It would take a few more years before I unapologetically called the city in which I had lived for more than a decade “home” in her presence.

While my mom may be atypical due to a likely undiagnosed mental illness, I have heard similar stories over the years — and not just about parents.

Extended family members participate in the guilt trips as well, and theirs can come with consequences beyond just making you feel bad for not showing up. If we aren’t there at the required moment, we can lose our relationships with them over time — not maliciously, but as a result of our not being physically present at the appointed time(s).

If I have lived somewhere else longer than I lived in my hometown, why must I call it ‘home?’
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Aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. often don’t make an effort to maintain connections — even with the current ease and prevalence of social media. And some of our older relatives understandably never bothered to sign up for Facebook and don’t have the hang of texting. As such, we’re told that our relationships with them, their significant others, and their children — not to mention our place in our families — is largely contingent on our physical presence.

But while this may have made sense 20 or 30 years ago, it’s absurd now. Expensive long-distance phone calls are a thing of the past, easily replaced now with free FaceTime chats. And airline tickets are generally far more affordable during non-holiday periods than during the hectic holiday season. So why engage in the Come Home Or Else holiday theater?

The idea of getting EVERYONE together at the designated day and time is rooted in a way of life that is extremely rare. We allow nostalgia and guilt-tripping to convince us that there is a right day and time to be with family. More and more I ask myself: Who cares when we see each other as long as we see each other? And wouldn’t the loving approach be to set aside a time when those who are coming together don’t experience hardship to make that time happen?

I’m not saying not to go home or to cut off those family members who can do little more than send a card, but I’m not here for the traditional practice of guilting those of us who have left. That guilt is unnecessary in a day and age where travel works in more than one direction — and is likely easier for the older members of the family who don’t have jobs without paid time off or children in tow.

Perhaps if those people fueling the guilt trips cannot engage with you throughout the year — cannot support your life and your choices and your happiness — they’re not all that important. Maybe our holidays should be spent with those who make room for us in their lives whether it’s convenient or not and no matter the distance between us.

This year I will be with my chosen family, rather than the one that raised me. True, it’s not the first season I’ve spent away from my hometown, but it finally feels like this is happening on my terms. I’m not joining up with others who have nowhere to go in a group effort to not feel alone; I have made an affirmative choice to spend time with my loved ones here.

I’m looking forward to this holiday more than any other in my adulthood that I can remember. I have found community with people who value me — and I can’t imagine anywhere I’d rather be.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which means that my kids are home from school, NPR will be filled with grainy recordings of well-known civil rights speeches, Facebook will be populated with quotes of mountaintops and dreams, and Twitter will be filled with messages of peace and love and a smattering of racist taunts from trolls. A few comedians will make some unfunny, tasteless jokes. A conservative politician will say something horrifyingly racist, and the rest will release a simple statement about how King embodied the best us, how he shone the light on the golden pathway to racial harmony that we somehow seem to have stepped off of, so that we now find ourselves lost in a forest of anger and divisiveness.

My children will have already forgotten the annual MLK school assembly, held the Friday before the holiday. They will have forgotten the scary stories about how very bad the racist past of America was. They will have forgotten their momentary outrage at the thought of segregated buses, restaurants, and drinking fountains. They will have forgotten their sense of relief that, thanks to Dr. King, those dark times are over now. They will deposit the lingering whispers of MLK’s dream and images of him walking, arms linked with people black and white toward a colorblind future, into the same vault that holds the identical images from years past. Then they will rush to their Xbox consoles.

The Martin Luther King Jr. that we celebrate every year is no longer a man or a movement.
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The Martin Luther King Jr. that we celebrate every year is no longer a man or a movement. The annual holiday is no longer a remembrance. Like the creation of the Christmas holiday to pacify, assimilate, and eventually control pagan populations by twisting their sacred truths into brightly colored lies, the narrative of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday (along with the oversimplified, whitewashed chapters of civil rights history only opened in schools during this week and the month of February) works to distract and weaken black Americans while strengthening white supremacy.

Here are some of the most damning myths that have marred the holiday.

Martin Luther King Jr. as the leader of the civil rights movement

Dr. King was certainly a leader in the civil rights movement, but to call him the leader of the civil rights movement is not only highly disrespectful of the countless others who inspired and led in the fight for racial equality, it is a misrepresentation of both the civil rights movement and King himself. As a leader in the movement, King himself was not just one man.

Advised, inspired, and influenced by a sizeable group of other leaders in the black and activist communities (such as Stanley Levinson, Bayard Rustin, and Clarence B. Jones), much of the King we see standing at podiums was the result of countless hours of discussion, debate, and compromise by King’s inner circle.

The economic and social privilege that allowed King to become a highly educated preacher and leader had been fought for by generations before him.
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In addition, the civil rights movement was not just one movement (just as the social justice movement of today is not); it was a collection of different groups and different leaders fighting for different visions of social and economic justice. From the first slave ship bringing black people to this country against their will, there have been people fighting for freedom.

The economic and social privilege that allowed King to become a highly educated preacher and leader had been fought for by generations before him. While King was afforded the lion’s share of publicity due to the carefully crafted palatability of his message, activists like Stokely Carmichael, Ida B. Wells, and Malcolm X were also fighting every day to improve the lives of black people in America.

The narrative that King was the leader of the civil rights movement works to undermine the legitimacy of other methods of seeking racial justice that were also being utilized in the ’50s, ’60s, and ’70s. Holding up King’s commitment to love and nonviolence as the primary factor in ending Jim Crow-era segregation places the responsibility for ending racial injustice on the methods of the oppressed, instead of the actions of the oppressor.

Martin Luther King Jr.’s goal of a colorblind society

The distortion of King’s “Dream” speech into a message of a race-free society is one of the most powerful tools of white supremacy in derailing productive discussion on racial justice. Dr. King was very aware of race and his blackness. In no way did King indicate that he saw race or the recognition of blackness and whiteness as a problem in society; his issue was with the ways in which race had been exploited to create social and economic oppression. In the same speech where King dreamed of being judged by the content of his character, he also noted the ways in which black people specifically had been harmed by America:

“But one hundred years later [after the Emancipation Proclamation] the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination; one hundred years later the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity; one hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.”

In King’s final book Where Do We Go From Here, he continued to name white supremacy as the cause of oppression, not the existence of race itself, and recognized that the plight of black people needed to be addressed:

“White Americans must recognize that justice for black people cannot be achieved without radical changes in the structure of our society. The comfortable, entrenched, the privileged cannot continue to tremble at the prospect of change of the status quo.”

The need to address the specific needs of the black community was also addressed in King’s speech on Black Power:

“Negroes have to acquire a share of power so that they can act in their own interests as an independent social force.”

Martin Luther King Jr.’s goal was peace and harmony

The myth of warm and fuzzy peace and love as MLK’s driving force and ultimate goal for society is commonly used by those who wish to condemn more radical activists by comparison. While King did abhor violence, and deliberately used non-violent protest as a primary tactic, his goal was economic and social justice. Non-violence as a tactic ceded to King the moral authority needed to legitimize his efforts to the white people he viewed as necessary allies, but it was his focus on economic revolution that made him a threat, and brought him the greatest success.

People forget that it was not the peaceful nature of the Montgomery bus boycott that brought an end to busing segregation, it was the financial crippling of its industry brought by the discontinued patronage of blacks that brought it to its knees. King made direct pleas to labor unions to join his cause, arguing that he had the moral authority that the unions needed, and they had the wages that black Americans needed. Today, King’s methods would make him a direct threat to the Koch brothers, Wal-Mart, and just about every Republican politician in office.

Martin Luther King Jr. as the antithesis of Malcolm X and the Black Power movement

In textbooks, film, and television, King is often portrayed as the angel to Malcolm’s devil. The man who believed in peace and love versus the man who promoted anger and violence. King was the man who met racism with tolerance, while Malcolm met racism with reverse-racism. Not only is this a deliberate denial of the smart, nuanced, and ever-evolving activism of Malcolm X, it is a misrepresentation of King intended to gaslight the entirety of black America into believing that their anger is unjustified and counterproductive.

King championed integration and racial cooperation, not only because he felt strong love for people of many races and solidarity with the poor of all races, but primarily because he felt it was the most sure path to improving the lives of black people. But King’s resolute commitment to nonviolence is not the same as a commitment to peace and tranquility, and it in no way means that King did not recognize and share the anger that many blacks had at a society that continued to brutally oppress them.

As the Black Power movement rose, King was dismayed not at the concept of Black Power, but at the harm that the violent connotations of Black Power would do to the legitimacy of the civil rights movement in the eyes of white stakeholders. In discussing the Black Power movement, King stresses:

“The new mood has arisen from real, not imaginary causes. The mood expresses an angry frustration which is not limited to the few who use it to justify violence. Millions of Negroes are frustrated and angered because extravagant promises made less than a year ago are a shattered mockery today.”

King also warned that the exploitation of the non-violent civil rights movement by white supremacy in order to maintain oppression of black people would, itself, lead to violence:

“If they continue to use our nonviolence as a cushion for complacency, the wrath of those suffering a long train of abuses will rise.”

While King did not agree with many of Malcolm X’s methods, he deeply admired Malcolm’s intelligence on the root causes of racial oppression and his commitment to black people and was by all accounts deeply impacted by Malcolm’s assassination. Both Martin and Malcolm were committed to black love and black pride (King even took to wearing a “Black is Beautiful” lapel pin the year before his death). Like Malcolm, King was opposed to the Vietnam War. After Malcolm X’s assassination, King wrote to Malcolm’s widow Betty Shabazz:

“I always had a deep affection for Malcolm and felt that he had a great ability to put his finger on the existence and the root of the problem.”

Martin Luther King Jr. was many things — a radical, a moderate, a peacekeeper, a hellraiser, a father, a husband, a crusader against the evils of capitalism, a proponent of love and also revolution. He was a man known to be deeply sensitive, sometimes misogynist, often depressed, blisteringly funny. He was all of these things and more. And like so many brothers and sisters before and since, his beautiful and rich mahogany tones have been flattened to the matte black of the history books that paint him as the friend of well-meaning whites and the moral opposition of angry blacks. And like King, we as black people are so much more than white supremacy would have us believe.

Let King’s legacy be that *we were loved* by him.
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Let King’s legacy be that we were loved by him. We were loved for our beauty, our strength, our resilience, our creativity, and yes — even our anger. King’s love for us brought a privileged, middle-class preacher to dedicate his life to political and economic revolution, for social upheaval. It was a love that he was willing to lose his life for. And it was a love that we did not have to earn; it was a love we were bestowed simply because we are. And we continue to be loved today.

If we can honor King’s memory, let’s do it by refusing to let the powers that be posthumously place pre-qualifiers of respectability on King’s love for us, and by refusing to let them ascribe a passivity and complacency to King that he never had in life.

Well you did it! You got through the holiday with most of your wits intact, you didn’t murder anyone, and you probably only cried a little (lot). You deserve a reward. No, the gifts you got from friends and family don’t cut it. They probably suck. You deserve a gift of peace and serenity.

But you’re broke as fuck because you spent all your money on scented candles for relatives you don’t even like. How do you unwind on a budget?

As a writer, I’m always two things: broke and creative. I’m also a single mom always in need of a little R&R. I’ve mastered the cheap retreat over the years and I’m here to share some ideas with you!

Give yourself a scrub-down.

This will simple concoction will calm your muscles and have you feeling soft as a newborn baby. Mix together equal parts sugar and oil (I like to use almond oil, but olive, jojoba, or coconut will work just fine) into a paste. Spread the paste onto a body brush or washcloth. Scrub your body vigorously. Take a little and scrub your lips as well. Rinse with warm—not hot—water. Pat dry, and seal in the moisture with a little more oil. Then spend the rest of your week feeling up your arms and going “oohh”.

Make yourself some pudding.

Anybody who knows me knows that when times get tough, the tough make pudding. Homemade pudding is one of the most comforting foods on the planet. It’s buttery creamy goodness takes you back to a better childhood than you actually had. And pudding is so easy to make! Here’s my go-to recipe for butterscotch feminist pudding.

Ijeoma’s Feminist Pudding

Ingredients:
¼ cup butter
1/3 cup brown sugar
½ t vanilla
¼ t salt
3 T bourbon or whiskey (optional)
3 T cornstarch
2 T white sugar
2 cups whole milk
1 cup half and half

Melt the butter in a saucepan over med-hi heat. Add brown sugar. When brown sugar is melted (but not bubbling, we’re not making candy), add 1 cup of milk and the half and half. Stir in the vanilla, salt and bourbon. Stir occasionally until it comes to a low boil.

In a separate bowl, mix together the remaining cup of milk, cornstarch, and white sugar. Pour into the boiling stovetop mixture, whisking while you pour. Stir until its thick enough that it covers the back of your spoon when you lift it out of the pudding. Then remove from heat and let cool, or eat scalding hot like I do.

Reread your favorite teenage book.

While re-watching movies is not always recommended unless you want to find out how problematic your past faves really are, books are different, because they engage our imagination and memory, allowing us to both travel back in time to our youthful selves while also reinterpreting and updating the text.

It’s a relaxing and reinvigorating experience. I keep old Zanth novels around for this very purpose.

Get crafty.

Oh man, I love crafts, especially if I’m stressed. Something about focusing all my energies on a new project really calms me. Here are some of my former, low-cost, craft obsessions:

Newspaper baskets: You can make these adorable baskets from old newspapers or even used office paper! And if it turns out horrible, you spent zero dollars.

Magazine Reed Box: Doesn’t this look awesome? You totally have all the supplies for this tutorial just laying around.

Nail art: Zen at your fingertips. I KNOW IT’S CHEESY BUT IT’S TRUE.
Check out Cute Polish for some newby-friendly tutorials.