So, I always keep a few live captive humans on my starship for research purposes and well, if I’m being honest, also because it can get pretty lonely in space. I might add that these Homo sapiens represent a pretty diverse array of humanity from various ethnocultural, socioeconomic and gender backgrounds as I’m an equal opportunity Predator. I only really mention this so I don’t come across as completely ignorant as I explain my story.

Anyways, more often than not during the daily probing of my humans, they passively-aggressively comment on the fact that despite me being an alien warrior hailing from the furthest reaches of space, I have human-like “dreadlocks”. One day after I violently forced them to play Space Bingo with me, I revealed to them that for most of my 5679 years, I did not have these dreadlocks and that only in the last few decades did I adopt the stylish dread-like extensions they now see protruding from my central brain sac.

They told me that what I was doing was cultural appropriation and that I was no better than the white humans, particularly the white human celebrities that sport dreadlocks purely for the “trend,” like the human youth monarch known as Kylie Jenner.

I began to wonder if I was truly just as bad.

I mean, I’m definitely worse. Don’t get me wrong. I hunt innocent, intelligent alien life purely for sport. But I meant more in terms of whether I was also guilty of this cultural appropriation.

After some introspection, I realized they were right. I grew out and fashioned my cranial tendrils into ‘dreads’ because I thought it made me look cool. Years prior, I saw that many notable humans including the human Reggae icon Bob Marley had them and I wanted to get in on the trend. This decision was only reinforced more recently after I watched Blank Panther and saw that the apex of human physiology known as Michael B. Jordan sported them as well. Oof Killonger.

Well, I now know that dreadlocks aren’t “just for fun” to quote the Instagram caption of the also physically impressive human known as Zac Efron, when he posted a picture of himself with dreadlocks. As my human prisoners later explained to me, dreadlocks are part of a cultural identity which I don’t have the right to adopt, as a member of a privileged, historically oppressive, violence-seeking, Xenomorph-slaying alien race.

On top of that, I learned that many African American humans are still discriminated against for employment opportunities because of their dreadlocks. And for me to sport them just because I think it adds an extra ‘wow’ factor for when I turn off my cloaking device and theatrically reveal myself to prey, is unacceptable. Furthermore, I’m sure the black human community doesn’t appreciate their dreadlocks being adopted by a maniacal alien with a sphincter for a mouth.

For my insensitive actions I feel much regret. Not the violent alien predation though. No regret there.

This realization led me to contemplate my society’s previous actions even further. I was told that cultural appropriation is when a dominant culture takes an element of a minority culture after having systematically disenfranchised those same people in the past. According to this definition then, I’ve realized that any culture we Predators try to adopt will be considered cultural appropriation as there isn’t a group in this galaxy we war-mongering alien Predators haven’t screwed over and persecuted.

Even the white humans.

One of my fellow Predators, Nadine-X12-Prime has recently started wearing Patagonia jackets, eating Nature Valley and standing still at concerts. Is she appropriating white culture? If Nadine-X12-Prime was a non-white human many would say that it is not cultural appropriation. But since Nadine-X12-Prime is a Predator, who historically preys on the humans that come out of Soul Cycle and Macklemore shows, one could argue that now, her cream-colored Patagonia zip-up is culturally appropriated.

And what about my beloved shoulder mounted plasma canon? Did I culturally appropriate that from the Gorlax people of Jupiter-7 after I pillaged their civilization? To them, that shoulder canon was a religious rite of passage. And I just used it to aimlessly shoot at that California governor. I’m deeply sorry Gorlaxes.

And even the practice itself of unfairly ruling over other groups without their consent? Did I culturally appropriate that from the British humans? My bad.

I think I have a lot of reparations to make. Which is why, as soon as the Earth Sun goes down tonight, I plan to stalk the closest Supercuts human fur cutting establishment and capture a human fur butcher. I will then make him remove my dreadlocks, as my first step towards being more culturally sensitive and aware of my alien privilege.

Then, I will of course add him to my collection.

So, you are a woman with literary aspirations. You want to write the Great American Novel or work your way into the elite halls of publishing. You believe all you need is talent, hard work, and a little bit of luck.

You are wrong.

Publishing is a snake pit filled with venomous but charming creatures in rumpled suits. This handy guide* will help you spot the cons, the fakes, and the shady characters you’ll encounter on your journey. You can’t avoid them all, but knowledge is power.

1. The Pig in a Poke. A trite and common gambit. A man of middling talent is given a seven-figure advance and major marketing support for his debut novel. The plot is a blatant rip-off of a previously published novel from a female author. When she points this out, he pokes her in the eye. The literati cheer.
2. The Pyramid Scheme. A few powerful white male editors at major publishing houses buddy up with a handful of white male agents representing a boatload of white male writers. The writers get publishing deals, the agents get rich, the editors get richer and everyone agrees it’s a shame that so few women or people of color are published, but what can they do about it?
3. The Shell Game. Three upmarket, suspense fiction books featuring unreliable (drunk) female narrators top the bestseller list. The authors use pseudonyms like B.F. Warren and L.M. James. Your challenge? To find the one female-driven narrative written by an actual woman. (Spoiler: there is no actual woman.)
4. The Sting. A writer and low-level publishing house employee lies about his credentials, his experience, and his history to blaze his way to a high paying job and a lucrative book contract. When it looks like he might be caught, he invents a health crisis and a series of family tragedies as a diversion. Even when everyone discovers he’s a liar, nothing bad happens to him and he remains wealthy by literary standards. It stings.
5. The Counterfeit. A man writes a memoir chronicling his drug addiction. Oprah tells everyone to buy his book. When the book is exposed as fabricated claptrap, he goes on Oprah for the second time to cry literary crocodile tears. He writes more books, which somehow get published, and he makes a bunch of money, and no one believes he is sorry that he lied to Oprah.
6. The Bait and Switch. A literary maven appears on the scene in your town. She shows up at parties. She hosts literary fundraisers. She offers to read your manuscript, to introduce you to her agent, to get your book into the hands of powerful people if you’ll just donate to this very worthy cause she has invented or put down a deposit on a writing retreat in Italy that is never going to happen. She is a fierce woman with pink hair and cool glasses, so you trust her. She’s not like all the men who’ve lied and scammed their way into your literary heart. Except, of course, she is.
7. The Charm Offensive. A somewhat famous and critically acclaimed author teaches at literary festivals across the country. He says your writing has real potential. He offers to meet with you about your manuscript. But when you meet, he is drunk and his hand keeps drifting to your knee and you understand that the only thing of yours he’s ever read or will ever read is your name-tag, which is conveniently located right above your breasts.
8. The Slow Burn. An awards committee announces its longlist and brags that it’s the most diverse group of writers in the history of the award. Articles are written about the extraordinary inclusiveness of the list. The committee is praised for its open mindedness. The shortlist contains three white men and one woman of color. A man wins.
9. The Spitball. You work at a major publishing house and your boss calls you in to spitball some ideas for marketing the Summer releases. You give him all your best thoughts in a carefully prepared and meticulously researched report. He thanks you and then presents your ideas as his own at the next editor’s meeting. (Just kidding, he doesn’t actually thank you.)
10. The Upchuck. You are in a writing workshop with five men, all of whom insist you could learn a lot by reading the novels of Chuck Palahniuk. You vomit.

* This is not in any way a comprehensive guide. Proceed at your own risk.

Thousands of years ago, the intricate physical and spiritual pedagogy of yoga was codified in the The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, but that book is outdated, and harder to understand than Shakespeare! As yoga has evolved into an international phenomenon no longer relegated to hot, dusty, far-flung countries, it’s become clear that yoga philosophy, too, is in dire need of an upgrade. Nourishing inner peace, and combining mind, body and all of creation still matter, of course, but the practice has shifted focus, and today’s yogis are all about building community—and self-esteem.

Enter Instagram, the digital ashram of the twenty-first century, where yogis gather to heighten their self-worth, celebrate their good health and fortune, and foster their flock of oh-so-flexible disciples. In case you’re keen to join the movement, we’ve rounded up the best advice from today’s hottest yogis on how to showcase your most supple, sinewy, ready-for-your-close-up self on the mat, on the ‘gram, and in the world.

1. Elevate your vibration. All the hype—all of it—is real. No more gluten, no more sugar, no more carbs. We assume you’ve already cleansed your karma of animal product. The more foods you eliminate, the higher you will hum, and the lighter you will feel #livingyourbestlife.
2. #Speakyourtruth. Once you’ve whittled your daily consumption down to the barest of leafy necessities, let the world know. Spread the good word on kale! It’s our collective duty to inspire the overfed masses to give hunger a try. You—yes you—can turn starvation into a social media movement! A little yogi birdie told us that Instagram ‘friends’ are buyable in bulk—and oh so cheap!—from Russian wholesalers. Simply get your new drove of followers to donate one dollar for every meal you renounce, and when they don’t respond, publicly denounce their spirituality void. #notsoblessed
3. Make your #soulsweat. Find a Power Vinyasa class that costs at least $25 per hour (it’s way easier than it sounds), and promises at least 25 chaturangas. You know, the yoga push ups? Otherwise you won’t bang nearly enough calories for your buck.
4. See yourself as you really are. Sometimes self-care is stretchy! Take a deep breath, steady your gaze, straighten your spine, and reward yourself with a pair of leggings that cost more than your weekly paycheck. You’ll feel so good about yourself, you’ll be bound to pop a handstand in the middle of rush hour traffic. Post that and #theywillcome. (To your Instagram page, that is).

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   A little yogi birdie told us that Instagram ‘friends’ are buyable in bulk —and oh so cheap!—from Russian wholesalers.
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5. Expand your practice beyond the mat. Yoga isn’t just about pushing through painful micro-tears in your hamstrings until you can finally extend your leg 170 degrees. A beautiful way to expand your practice is to become an essential oils advocate #wellnesswarrior. With the right brand of oily aromas, you’re not just enhancing your wellness, you’re curing and preventing chronic diseases that have stumped Western science for decades. Build your business by pushing shockingly expensive — but very worth it — oils on friends, family, and unsuspecting strangers. (And no, we know what you’re thinking you naughty thing — those organic, discount Whole Foods oils just won’t do!)
6. Don’t be afraid to #shineyourlight. Go ahead: sign up for that 200-hour teacher training. It’s an inundated, but growing field, and the best part is you don’t have to learn the Sanskrit names for poses anymore! (Why waste precious breath on fumbling through adho mukha svanasana when you can just say D-Dog?) You’re never too young or inexperienced to teach yoga.
7. Manifest your spirituality. Don a bhindi and hop on a flight to the Motherland. Take a handstand pic in front of the Taj Mahal. Find rebirth by bathing in the Ganges, or any of India’s multitude of holy rivers. Pay no mind to naysayers, the laughing locals or human feces floating by. Experience the magic of kirtan and chant to bloodthirsty Bronze Age deities alongside other soul-seeking Westerners. Just don’t forget to bring your own mat, as many rolls of toilet paper as can fit in your suitcase, and plenty of hand sanitizer. This is India, after all, not Equinox!
8. #Yogainfluencer. Yes, you too can change the world by posting daily photos of yourself nailing inversions, breathtaking backbends, and strenuous arm balances against idyllic backgrounds. Don’t forget to round out your page with inspirational sayings (preferably by the Buddha, or people with Indian-sounding names), luscious pics of bright green smoothies, and simple silhouettes of yourself meditating in the pink glow of a sunset.

In this wild and wooly world, we all need the occasional reminder to look inward. #yogaeverydamnday. Now hurry up and hit that handstand. The Taj Mahal awaits!

It’s 3:20 a.m. and Jocelyn Richards* and I are meeting for coffee in an abandoned shipyard — her choice. I’m nursing my cold-brew, wondering if she’s going to show, when there’s movement out of the corner of my eye, and there she is — hiding in the shadows.

Dressed casually in a tattered sweatshirt, the hood pulled up to match her hooded eyes, Jocelyn has made it apparent why she’s so successful in her field: you never see her coming. Her face is natural, her fingernails bare except for neat crescents of blood, blurring, as she nervously drums the splintered shipping container we sit on. She’s jittery, even though I’m the only one with coffee!

“Thanks so much for meeting me,” I say. “Can I just start by saying how refreshing it is to see a woman in this business?”

Jocelyn offers a terse reply. A grunt, actually. She’s not the chattiest, but, hey, it’s her actions, not her words, that brought me to our shipyard meeting this morning.

“When you’ve kidnapped your latest victim and you bring them home, tie them up, and pull the burlap sack off their head. Are they surprised to see a woman standing in front of them? Do you ever feel like they’re holding their breath, waiting for a man to enter the basement?”

“Maybe,” says Jocelyn, as she starts to file her incisors with a nail file. In a career like hers, looks are everything. Like most women in demanding positions, Jocelyn’s appearance determines how seriously people take her: it decides whether or not a victim will scream when they see her coming; whether or not she’ll get the leading role in someone’s nightmare; and whether or not her legacy will live on in campfire ghost stories and Lifetime dramas.

“In your position, the element of surprise is so important for your success. You have to surprise your victims, keep them on their toes, trick them into your van, but tell me: what do you do to surprise yourself? How do you surprise…you?”

I search her face, waiting for an answer. In a career so focused on other people, Jocelyn probably needs self-care more than anyone.

Jocelyn picks at the shipping box, wedging splinters of wood under her short nails. She stares at me with cold, hard eyes, probably impressed with how good of a question I just asked. “I surprise myself…with who I choose next.”

“I love it,” I say. And I really do. How great to have so much autonomy over where your job takes you.

I sat down with the most successful female serial killer in the business to talk clear skin, carbs, and creating success in a male-dominated field.
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“Do you ever think about taking a break from it all—the hours, the stress, the constant travel—to start a family? I can’t even imagine what it’s like dating in your field. I mean, where do you even meet someone?” I say. Family hasn’t come up yet, but it’s well-known that behind every successful woman is an overbearing mother asking for grandkids.

“I have kids. Or, I should say, had,” she growls, her breath sultry with the potent smell of meat. There’s a small red speck on Jocelyn’s chin, perhaps a droplet of blood from a long workday.

“You have something on your chin,” I say, pointing to the speck. She raises her fingers to wipe it away and, just like that, I feel like an old friend: one girlfriend helping another, like we’re drunk at the bathroom sinks together, saving each other from wardrobe emergencies. She licks the blood off her finger with a swipe of her tongue and a smile, her sharp incisors winking. A smile meant for me—her ally.

Now that we’re so close, I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room. I’ve been dying to ask, and it’s clear that Jocelyn has been dying to answer.

“How often do you think about the wage gap in your career? How do feel knowing that there’s a man out there doing the same thing as you, but still getting feared more from his victims?” I ask, my felt-point pen poised above my Moleskin. But the only answer I get is silence.

I look up from my pad and just like that, she’s gone. She’s disappeared into the shadows of the dockyard, leaving me with chills and a lingering disappointment that #MeToo didn’t come up more in the interview.

*the subject’s name has been changed to protect her identity

In the current social climate of the #MeToo movement, men are under siege. We really have it rough; all of a sudden we have to think about, like, what we say, how we’re perceived, and if we’re safe. Who lives like that?! At this point we’re lucky if we dominate just 99% of corporate culture, politics, and the world at large. It’s like we’re barely running everything anymore.

It’s not even safe for nice guys who make an innocent mistake with an unconscious lady friend. Did you know that in almost .0067% of sexual misconduct cases, dudes have had to start their WHOLE lives over? They have nothing but the clothes on their back, their privilege, and an extensive network of other privileged men to help them get by!

If you find yourself on the wrong side of a sexual misconduct accusation, use this helpful list of predator-friendly careers to get back on your feet:

• Become CEO of a company

• Become CFO of a company

• Become COO of a company

• Become an accountant

• Become a lawyer

• Become a financial planner

• Become a professional athlete

• Become an HR executive

• Become a marketing executive

• Become anything ending in “executive”

• Become a dog trainer

• Become a coach for olympians

• Become a hollywood director

• Become a hollywood producer

• Become a professional actor

• Become a professional comedian

• Become a professional musician

• Become a professional at whatever you were doing before just at a slightly different company

• Run for president

• Run for senate

• Run for governor

• Run for mayor

• Run for any political office you haven’t already run for; a simple change in title goes a long way toward making people forget you might’ve been a creep

• Start your own chapter of MPAT (Male Predators Alone Together)

• Start your own human trafficking group

• Start your own neo-nazi organization

• Join an emerging group of white entrepreneurs called “terrorists”

• Take some time to reflect and educate yourself on your own privilege. Open up a dialogue with those who can help illuminate it for you to start healing your broken point of vi…HAHAHA, just kidding! What a waste of time!

• If you’re really backed into a corner, take a deep breath…and just continue living your life like it didn’t happen. With some luck you’ll still have tons of privilege to coast on the rest of your days.

And don’t forget, it’s totally reasonable to be bitter. When you’re having a bad day find solace in the fact that your gender still controls more money, power, and influence than ANY WOMAN, EVER! Whew.

Article 1

I am the Lord your POTUS. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me until 2024 at the latest. And if I can get the deal Xi got in China, maybe longer still.

Article 2

No false idols. No graven images. No piñatas. No collusion.

Article 3

Thou shalt not tweet the name of the Lord thy POTUS in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain, and will ruin his failing business.

Article 4

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work without union representation, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy POTUS, and all shall golf at Mar-a-Lago. No exceptions.

Article 5

Honor thy POTUS and thy FLOTUS, for verily they love all children of the world, regardless of any messaging on the back of their jackets.

Article 6

Thou shalt not murder (potential exceptions for rage against immigrants, gays, Muslims, Mexicans, Children of Ham, headscarves, those who don’t conform to gender norms, anyone inside a Planned Parenthood).

Article 7

Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thou art a celebrity, in which case, they let thee do anything. In any case, thy followers shall maintain that thou hast repented.

Article 8

Thou shalt not steal (elections, sweetheart deals for POTUS family members, and Supreme Court appointments excluded).

Article 9

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor (POTUS and staff excluded). Thou mayst, however, conveniently forget the content of meetings with the representatives of foreign governments under oath when necessary for the protection of POTUS. Thou mayst also “ad lib” without any consideration of veracity of statements made during meetings with heads of state of neighboring countries.

Article 10

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s. Thou shalt make a deal to acquire such items at a value agreed upon by both parties. If the parties cannot agree on a price, the richest of the two taketh all.

Article 11

The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, of whatever kind, in whatever amount, and for whatever purpose, shall not be infringed (exception: Children of Ham pack at their own risk).

Hear, then, and abide by the NewConstitution.

And may POTUS bless NewAmerica!

With the media focused intently on stories of sexual harassment, we might be forgetting one thing. Yes, there’s a lot of sexual harassment, but some men out there do, in fact, have stories of times they didn’t sexually harass a woman. Maybe it’s time we find those men, and maybe it’s time we tell those stories.

Here, I ask brave, upstanding men to share stories of encounters with women that did not involve sexual harassment.

“I was waiting in line at the grocery store, and I noticed the girl in front of me has a nice ass. Well, I say ‘girl’ because she was extremely sexually attractive to me — she was probably in her late twenties with a successful career, eh, if I had to guess, I’d say she ran a team of software engineers, based on the fact that I took a photo and Google-imaged her and found her Linkedin. Anyway, I stared at her ass for a long time, but whaddya know — I didn’t grab it.”
— The Hero John Monroe

“Do I have a story about not sexually harassing a woman? Ha, yeah, funny you should ask. It happened today, actually. I was walking my dog, and another woman was walking her dog, and we just walked on past each other.”
— The Venerable Mark Wallace

“Oh boy, do I have a story for you. Have I ever not sexually harassed a woman? You better believe I have. The year was 1999. I was on a bus, and I saw a lady with a great chest. Probably at least a D. But I said to myself, I said, ‘Harry, you got a wife and two daughters at home, do NOT comment on her breasts.’ And I didn’t! Although you better believe I took the seat next to her even though the whole bus was empty. And you better believe I manspreaded onto her — not in a sexual way, that’s just how I sit always.”
— Sir Harry Frederick The Brave

“Let me tell you what feminism looks like, OK? I have a new female coworker on my team at work. And she is not attractive. So I have not asked her out. Not all heroes wear capes. But I do. What do you think of my cape?”
— Feminist Icon Barry Marshall Who Is Currently Wearing A Superman Cape He Probably Bought At A Children’s Toy Store

“My brother was telling me about a time he didn’t sexually harass a woman, and I said me too! Me too! Is that what the me too movement is about?”
— The Honorable Tim Johnson The Confused

“Yeah of course I have a story about not sexually harassing a woman. I saw a pretty girl on the train, and I said, ‘hey sweet cheeks what’s your number?’ And she said — oh, wait? You’re counting that? As sexual harassment? Hm, ok, let me get back to you.”
— The Noble Andrew Harrison Who Will Go Check His Notes And Then Get Back To Me To Become The Even More Noble Andrew Harrison

“Well, there was a lady at a bar. And I was trying to talk to her for about an hour. She kept saying things like ‘stop grabbing my ass’ and ‘did you put anything in my drink?’ Ha, what a tease. Anyway, I followed her home — no, no, I’m getting to it — I followed her home, I waited outside her apartment, and then I remembered. The bartender was a woman too. And I didn’t say anything to her. This is what a feminist looks like. Well, that bartender looked like a feminist. That’s why I didn’t talk to her.”
— The Esteemed Patrick Goldman

“I’ve prepared 282 stories. Oh, wait, you want stories about times I did NOT sexually harass a woman? Let me think — uh, OK, got nothing. Sorry, I misread the email.”
— Harvey Weinstein

If you read these stories and want to share your own, please find the author of this post on Twitter and tag a woman you have not sexually harassed.

A bank of words is provided, but — as with your degrees in Anthropology and Environmental Science — some may not be used.

flickr / Alex France

By Clancy Tripp

Test Directions:

You will have 95 minutes to complete this exam. Additional time will not be provided; we feel we’ve been more than generous. The test administrator will give you periodic updates as to the remaining time. He will also provide updates on the rate your fertility decreases with each passing minute.

You may use a calculator as needed. May we suggest the TI-84 graphing calculator you insisted you needed to practice for the LSAT for which you’ve ostensibly been studying for the past three or so years?

All answers must be written inside the test booklet. Answers written outside the text booklet or as a tell-all ThoughtCatalog think piece about how your urban tribe is your true family will not be scored.

Name (un-truncated and sans heart above the “i”): ___________________.

True/False:

_______ That bump on your left ankle is cancer or might one day be cancer if you don’t get it checked out right away.

_______ Jury duty, like washing colors separately from whites and not mixing beer and antibiotics, is optional.

_______ You were removed from our health insurance on your 26th birthday; when you try to open a new policy, you will find that both “night blindness” and “having a uterus” count as preexisting conditions and so will be denied health insurance.

________ There is currently a typo on your resume. It’s under the “High School Extracurriculars” section. This section should not exist.

________ You’re going to really rethink that “Bernie or Bust” badge on your Herschel backpack when you discover how big of a bite Democratic Socialism takes out of your local, family-run bookstore paycheck.

Fill In The Blank:

A bank of words is provided, but — as with your degrees in Anthropology and Environmental Science — some may not be used.

Word Bank: avocado toast, flirting with the idea of joining scientology, air conditioning, airline miles, 493–19–3746 (probably), CV, actively and profusely bleeding, gelateria, parents, guarantors.

1) __________ is not a human right, it costs money.

2) The word “borrow” implies that something will be returned after use. Therefore, you cannot “borrow” my ________________. (There may be multiple answers).

3) Please do not call me after 10:00 pm unless you are ___________________.

4) Ask not what your ____________ can do for you, ask what you can do for your _________________.

5) Your social security number is ________________________.

Multiple Choice:

Circle the correct answer. Make no stray marks. Adopt no stray deli kittens.

1) Which of the following describes your projected career path in the next five years?

a. Rack up massive credit card debt for courses to become an instructor at Yoga to the People.

b. Invent an app that markets itself as “The Uber of _______________.”

c. Work in a glorified sweatshop that exclusively produces BuzzFeed clickbait.

d. Do Teach For America and/or go to graduate school to buy time.

2) Which of the following can you claim as a dependent on your taxes?
[Hint: taxes are a portion of the money you earn that go to the government to provide for common resources. For example, taxes are what paid for the firefighters who came to your apartment last year after you ‘cooked a little couscous.’]

a. Your pet fish, in birth/death order, Fido 1, Fido 2, Fido 3, and Phoenix The Risen

b. Your gigapet

c. The James Bond playing cards your Tinder date left behind

d. A human grandbaby that we could hold in our very own arms before we descend into the depths of old age and arthritis

3) What were your parents doing at your age?

a. Dying of dysentery

b. Catfishing their upstairs neighbor in the hopes of creating something quirky to talk about at their fifteen year high school reunion

c. Reading “articles” on how to set up a 401(k) made up entirely of Real Housewives of Atlanta GIFs

d. Settling for the person we were dating at the time and working a tolerable job in marketing so we could afford to raise a child who would one day describe us in her Women in Psychology seminar as “pathologically supportive.”

Short-Answer Essays:

1) Suppose a parent were to tell their child to “Pursue your dreams, we will always support you.” Is the word “financially” present anywhere in that sentence? If not, why not? Explain how the presence or absence of “financially” changes the meaning of the sentence.

2) Imagine you received an Apple TV box thing last Christmas from your child. How would you explain to someone how to hook it up to Netflix in the sitting room so someone could watch their cooking shows? Please make sure all diagrams are to scale and include passwords.

3) Pretend you are writing letter to a potential employer detailing relevant work experience and skills. Remove all references to the transformative experience you had in the EDM tent at Coachella. Add references. Double-check that you have not been arrested for smoking a joint in a public park with any of your references. Replace aforementioned reference with your father because he has a different last name and maybe they won’t notice. Check letter for spelling and grammar errors. Check letter for barbeque sauce stains. Breathe in. Breathe out. For the love of God, submit the damn letter.

Looking For A Comments Section? We Don’t Have One.

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