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If You Want Me And Your Father To Help With Rent, Please Pass This Test

A bank of words is provided, but — as with your degrees in Anthropology and Environmental Science — some may not be used.

flickr / Alex France

By Clancy Tripp

Test Directions:

You will have 95 minutes to complete this exam. Additional time will not be provided; we feel we’ve been more than generous. The test administrator will give you periodic updates as to the remaining time. He will also provide updates on the rate your fertility decreases with each passing minute.

You may use a calculator as needed. May we suggest the TI-84 graphing calculator you insisted you needed to practice for the LSAT for which you’ve ostensibly been studying for the past three or so years?

All answers must be written inside the test booklet. Answers written outside the text booklet or as a tell-all ThoughtCatalog think piece about how your urban tribe is your true family will not be scored.

Name (un-truncated and sans heart above the “i”): ___________________.


_______ That bump on your left ankle is cancer or might one day be cancer if you don’t get it checked out right away.

_______ Jury duty, like washing colors separately from whites and not mixing beer and antibiotics, is optional.

_______ You were removed from our health insurance on your 26th birthday; when you try to open a new policy, you will find that both “night blindness” and “having a uterus” count as preexisting conditions and so will be denied health insurance.

________ There is currently a typo on your resume. It’s under the “High School Extracurriculars” section. This section should not exist.

________ You’re going to really rethink that “Bernie or Bust” badge on your Herschel backpack when you discover how big of a bite Democratic Socialism takes out of your local, family-run bookstore paycheck.

Fill In The Blank:

A bank of words is provided, but — as with your degrees in Anthropology and Environmental Science — some may not be used.

Word Bank: avocado toast, flirting with the idea of joining scientology, air conditioning, airline miles, 493–19–3746 (probably), CV, actively and profusely bleeding, gelateria, parents, guarantors.

1) __________ is not a human right, it costs money.

2) The word “borrow” implies that something will be returned after use. Therefore, you cannot “borrow” my ________________. (There may be multiple answers).

3) Please do not call me after 10:00 pm unless you are ___________________.

4) Ask not what your ____________ can do for you, ask what you can do for your _________________.

5) Your social security number is ________________________.

Multiple Choice:

Circle the correct answer. Make no stray marks. Adopt no stray deli kittens.

1) Which of the following describes your projected career path in the next five years?

a. Rack up massive credit card debt for courses to become an instructor at Yoga to the People.

b. Invent an app that markets itself as “The Uber of _______________.”

c. Work in a glorified sweatshop that exclusively produces BuzzFeed clickbait.

d. Do Teach For America and/or go to graduate school to buy time.

2) Which of the following can you claim as a dependent on your taxes?
[Hint: taxes are a portion of the money you earn that go to the government to provide for common resources. For example, taxes are what paid for the firefighters who came to your apartment last year after you ‘cooked a little couscous.’]

a. Your pet fish, in birth/death order, Fido 1, Fido 2, Fido 3, and Phoenix The Risen

b. Your gigapet

c. The James Bond playing cards your Tinder date left behind

d. A human grandbaby that we could hold in our very own arms before we descend into the depths of old age and arthritis

3) What were your parents doing at your age?

a. Dying of dysentery

b. Catfishing their upstairs neighbor in the hopes of creating something quirky to talk about at their fifteen year high school reunion

c. Reading “articles” on how to set up a 401(k) made up entirely of Real Housewives of Atlanta GIFs

d. Settling for the person we were dating at the time and working a tolerable job in marketing so we could afford to raise a child who would one day describe us in her Women in Psychology seminar as “pathologically supportive.”

Short-Answer Essays:

1) Suppose a parent were to tell their child to “Pursue your dreams, we will always support you.” Is the word “financially” present anywhere in that sentence? If not, why not? Explain how the presence or absence of “financially” changes the meaning of the sentence.

2) Imagine you received an Apple TV box thing last Christmas from your child. How would you explain to someone how to hook it up to Netflix in the sitting room so someone could watch their cooking shows? Please make sure all diagrams are to scale and include passwords.

3) Pretend you are writing letter to a potential employer detailing relevant work experience and skills. Remove all references to the transformative experience you had in the EDM tent at Coachella. Add references. Double-check that you have not been arrested for smoking a joint in a public park with any of your references. Replace aforementioned reference with your father because he has a different last name and maybe they won’t notice. Check letter for spelling and grammar errors. Check letter for barbeque sauce stains. Breathe in. Breathe out. For the love of God, submit the damn letter.

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