When you say “she’s going to love my oven,” are you referring to your home kitchen?
By Emma Tessler
Content warning: Anti-semitism
Once upon a time, on October 30, 2015, The Establishment published a piece I wrote. Time went on, people changed, I cut my hair, life was simple and good. On September 10, 2016, the New York Times published my wedding announcement. My mother cried, my father didn’t care, and neither did anyone else. Then, on December 3, 2016, apropos of LITERALLY NOTHING, someone on Twitter got ahold of these two publications and the trolling began.
I remember the date because I was visiting my parents to see the annual children’s Christmas ballet that my 75-year-old father dances in and my phone kept vibrating. Was it someone who wanted to send my dad well wishes? Ask me to Instagram another photo of this holiday extravaganza? NOPE IT WAS ANTI-SEMITISM CALLING. GUESS IT’S NOT AS ANTIQUATED AS WE ALL THOUGHT.
For the next few days, I got notifications every minute from people whose takeaway from those two articles was basically that Jews are the worst, and they wanted to make sure I knew it. They took clips from interviews I’d done and made a video of me. They found my Instagram. They emailed my company.
And, well . . . it turns out that getting trolled on Twitter really makes a gal think. I have a few questions for my beloved trolls.
1. When you say that Hitler is “to your left,” what do you mean by that? What was too liberal about Hitler? Did the gas chambers somehow help the environment? This is a serious question.
2. When you photoshop a picture of me wearing a pizza necklace, what message are you trying to send? At first glance, it doesn’t seem like it fits into your greater message of anti-semitism and hate, but maybe it’s something about pizza ovens and those ovens you keep offering to fire up for me? Either way, I sure do love pizza. Thanks, trolls!
3. Speaking of ovens, when you say “she’s going to love my ovens” and “fire up the hottest ovens,” are you referring to your home kitchen? I personally have a very old oven in my apartment and I have not been loving it. However, my mother recently got a stainless steel oven and it is glorious. Is that the kind of oven you have? I don’t know that I’d get too excited about anything less than a stainless steel oven, but if you have one, then you’re right! I will love it!! Thanks for preheating it for me!When you tell me I'm going to love your oven are you referring to your home kitchen? I personally have a very old oven in my apartment and I have *not* been loving it. Click To Tweet
4. I noticed that you’ve been tagging me in photos and cartoons of overtly semitic looking people. Nice move. But then you tagged me in a picture of Steve Buscemi. Isn’t Steve Buscemi Italian? Do you think I look like Steve Buscemi? Again, serious question.
(Side note: One time I pulled Steve Buscemi in a game of charades, and he is REALLY hard to act out.)
5. You keep calling my husband a “merchant.” Is this a reference to The Merchant of Venice? What a play! What a work of art! My husband would be honored to be cast in the titular role, but unfortunately, he’s not an actor. Do you think you’d be willing to cast him anyway? Or did you not mean the play . . . ? Maybe you meant an actual merchant? Like the guys who sell pickles at the Brooklyn Flea? God, I wish my husband sold pickles. Specifically Bread and Butter pickles. Those are my favorites.
What were we talking about?
6. And while we’re on the subject of my husband, his last name is Jacoff. Jacoff. And I feel like you guys haven’t done enough with that. Sure, you’ve mentioned it a couple of times, but that’s it! You haven’t made any puns, any limericks, nothing! I thought you were supposed to be professionals. I mean, judging by how many hours you’ve been spending on your computer over the last two days saying offensive things to me, I would think you could have come up with some great stuff by now.
Our wedding hashtag was #whatacoupleofJacoffs! Okay, that was a freebie, but I hope it’s enough to get you started. Raise the bar, guys. Demand more of yourselves.
7. When you made a video of me that got retweeted over 600 times, I was so flattered! But I watched it and I was a leeeeetle confused. I know, I know. Me and my small Jewish brain. (Or wait . . . do you think we have small brains? Big brains? Brains shaped like the numbers 666?) Anyway! You took a picture of me and my merchant husband and overlapped it with a video of some Hasidic men dancing . . . and it looked like a real fun party! Is the video an elaborate evite? And is the party still happening, because I don’t know, I’m just feeling like I could really dance it out right now, you know?
8. Now, about Donald Trump . . . I don’t think that he invented anti-semitism. People have hated that I’m Jewish for years now! But I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of your Twitter handles are Donald Trump themed. And you guys have got some good stuff there. EmperorTrump, PresidentElectTrump, ProTrump, SirCumsalot, I could go on and on.
My question is: Did you know that Donald Trump’s very own favorite daughter Ivanka is Jewish? And his little Trumplet grandchildren are also Orthodox Jews! Now I’m not questioning your hate (I would never do that), but I am a little confused about your logic. Do you also hate Donald Trump’s daughter? Do you hate his little wee grandchildren? I know, I know, Ivanka is blonde and that makes the whole thing very confusing, but I promise, she is Jewish! Again, just looking for your thoughts here.When you made a video of me that got retweeted over 600 times, I was so flattered! Click To Tweet
9. One of you called me a “7/10, for a Jewess.” I don’t have a question for you. Just wanted to say heyyyyyyyyy.
10. Now, since I promised to only ask 10 questions, we’ll have to leave the white genocide I’m organizing, your proposed “blitzkrieg” on my business, your desire to watch me burn, the fact that “sixty-million Germans weren’t wrong,” the fact that you think I got “bitten by a radioactive r*tarded spider,” the theory that I just took a break from smoking crack, and the awesome pun “just a COHENcidence” until next time.
I know, I’m just as bummed as you are. What I really wanted to ask you about was when you said that if “she had as many sticking out of her as she had stuck in her, she’d look like a porcupine.” . . . I assume you mean penises, yes? The scenario here is that I would have a lot of penises sticking out of me? Making me look like some kind of penis porcupine? I guess this is not so much a question as it is a request — but could the guy who photoshopped the pizza necklace make me a mockup of what this would look like? I need a new profile picture because I’m worried my Hillary “H” might make me a target for some unsavory characters.
You’ll help me out, right?