Here are the best locales and strategies to make strangers uncomfortable this Valentine’s Day — no matter your style or budget!
There’s no reason your lack of a significant other should keep you from being out and about on the biggest date night of the year. In fact, this can be an ideal opportunity to offer the world some cringeworthy reminders of how completely miserable it is to be romantically untethered, totally sans love, purpose, or life direction.
So without further ado, here are the best locales and strategies to make strangers uncomfortable this Valentine’s Day — no matter your style or budget!
Your Favorite Seafood Restaurant
Your local surf and turf spot’s guaranteed to be teeming with lovers slurping down oysters because they read it will make them fuck like dolphins after dinner. Order the trout (or anything that comes with a full face), then pick it up and make it sing Adele songs to the dining room until the management kicks you out. Bonus: you’ll already be full from the complimentary breadsticks!
An Improv Show
As the old proverb goes, the couple that laughs together shags together, which makes an evening of improv an excellent date night — and a comedy club an excellent locale to sidle up to with your sorrow. When one of the performers inevitably calls out, “I need a suggestion!” you’ll have the opportunity to sob-scream: “Give up! The concept of romantic love and monogamy is just an archaic social construct designed to enslave us all!”
This is an ideal opportunity to offer the world some cringeworthy reminders of how completely miserable it is to be romantically untethered, totally sans love, purpose, or life direction. Click To TweetThe Ice Skating Rink
One of the most adorable things about a day at the rink with your meet-cute is having them hold your hand because you’re pretending that you’ve never done this before. The best part about skating solo? Howling bloody murder every time you fall on your ass, while resting assured that you have no one to kiss it better later.
A Wine Tasting Event
What’s more romantic than getting white-girl wasted while mingling with upscale pairs out for a taste of the town? Flirt shamelessly with your sommelier then ugly cry in the bathroom after they politely turn down your invitation to make out in a stall during their 15-minute break.
Your Local Sex Shop
You’ll find plenty of twosomes (and a few threesomes) shopping for something special to christen that very night, and others who just dipped in to drunkenly wave around the biggest dildo they can find while giggling like maniacs. Thus your local porn hub is THE place to dramatically slide down the wall while wailing and hugging the dong that most reminds you of your ex.
Your local porn hub is THE place to dramatically slide down the wall while wailing and hugging the dong that most reminds you of your ex. Click To TweetA Strip Club
Buy a lapdance and spend your champagne room stint bawling to your dancer about how you’ll die alone with 25 cats. She’ll be glad you’re not a creepy dude who just jizzed his pants — and you can swap bikini-line exfoliation and self-defense tips!
The Bowling Alley
You’ll be surrounded by youthful pairs who are hoping to keep things casual. Every time someone gets a split, feel free to loudly whine: “HOPE THAT’S NOT A SIGN OF IMPENDING DOOM FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP, HAHAH I’M JUST KIDDING, IT WAS A JOKE GUYS!”
A Park Bench
There’s a 100% chance someone will get proposed to within 20 feet of you. Feel free to lunge towards the soon-to-be-betrothed choke-sobbing as you film their happiness way too closely and announce “Oh my god this is SO going on Youtube!”
A Massage Parlor
Grab a V-Day Groupon then tell the massage parlor receptionist that your sweetheart bounced that very morning but you just couldn’t bring yourself to waste a bargain! Chances are, they’ll hook you up with an even bigger discount. Plus, the face hole in the massage table is literally the perfect outlet for your tears, and the soft lighting will keep your massage therapist from noticing how wet their shoes are getting. They’ll think you’re just reallllly orgasmic while you silently dry heave and weep over your neighbors’ synchronized love-sighs.
The face hole in the massage table is literally the perfect outlet for your tears, and the soft lighting will keep your massage therapist from noticing how wet their shoes are getting. Click To TweetA Hiking Trail
Once you get to the top, you can marvel aloud at the profound beauty of the sunset and the view — a whole new world of possibilities for future rejection and disappointment!
