What cocktail pairs best with a “where are my grandchildren” guilt trip from your mother? Which liquor complements a xenophobic screed from your red state cousins?
’Tis the season for daily pie eating, ugly sweater parties, overdraft notices, and lots — and lots — of family time. Bringing family members together is ostensibly a wonderful opportunity for bonding and making memories, but there’s an inevitable downside to gathering a common DNA thread (and years of hulking emotional baggage) in one room: deeply uncomfortable conversations.
Since there’s really no way to avoid these interactions — unless you’ve excised yourself from familial obligations — your very best coping strategy is to have a drink in hand. But what cocktail pairs best with a guilt trip from mom? Which liquor complements a xenophobic screed from your red state cousins? Is red, white, or rosé appropriate for grandma’s shockingly frank discussion of her “Do Not Resuscitate” order? This drink-pairing guide will ensure you’re never without the perfect libation for every awkward family conversation this holiday season. Cheers!
The Conversation: Your weird uncle gave you a compliment on your skirt which turned into a wistful 10-minute soliloquy about how your legs remind him of his first wife’s — “and trust me that’s not a bad thing!”
The Drink Pairing: Dirty martini
Why: Obvious reasons. (Plus all that salt might help quell the rising taste of vomit in your mouth.)
The Conversation: Your grandpa and cousin are riling each other up on the topic of Syrian refugees. Actual sentences that have been uttered out loud: “They’re all terrorists;” “I’d like to see them TRY to knock on my door;” and “I just don’t think Trump’s plan goes far enough.”
Drink Pairing: Pear bellini
Why: A bright, sparkling cocktail will provide a much-needed counterpoint to the heavy feeling of dread brewing in the pit of your stomach that there is no hope for the world after all.
The Conversation: Your grandma has chosen the appetizer course to discuss her end-of-life wishes.
The Drink Pairing: Red wine, preferably a pinot noir
Why: When it comes to existential angst, the dark buzz of red wine is a perfect match.
The Conversation: You made a stupid joke about vegans before realizing your new sister-in-law is one.
Drink Pairing: Spanish coffee
Why: A foolproof way to distract from a social gaffe? Setting your drink on fire. Maybe hold the whipped cream though.
The Conversation: Your mom is making a series of pointed observations about your relationship status and responding to all of your protests with muttered comebacks that sound a lot like, “Just give me a fucking grandchild.”
The Drink Pairing: Bourbon, neat
Why: Because that warm feeling you get in your chest while sipping bourbon almost feels like a hug, which is exactly what you need right now.
The Conversation: Your aunt has roped you into a detailed discussion of her Intro To Accounting class; she’s been talking nonstop for 15 minutes with no breaths, pauses, or end in sight.
The Drink Pairing: Bloody Mary with a salad bar’s worth of garnishes
Why: A ridiculously over-garnished Bloody Mary is more than a drink: It’s a form of entertainment. Let your aunt chatter on uninterrupted while you focus on playing olive and pickle Jenga in your drink glass.
The Conversation: You introduced yourself to your sister’s new boyfriend, and ran out of convo topics directly after, “So. It’s been pretty cold, huh.”
The Drink Pairing: Absinthe
Why: Maybe you’ll get lucky and hallucinate a green fairy hovering over the 5-layer dip and then you can talk to her instead.
The Conversation: Your dad took you aside to tell you he’s having “complex” feelings about a 25-year-old Starbucks barista who works down the road.
The Drink Pairing: Bushwacker
Why: Girl you need a boozy milkshake right now, something heavy and liquor-y to keep all that dread company.
