A satirical poem in the style of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Bells”
I
Hear Santa’s sleigh with the bells-
Silver bells!
What a world of merriment their melody foretells!
How they forecast joy that’s coming,
In the dis-play at the mall.
While the stores with music thrumming,
And the Christmas carol humming,
While it’s barely even fall.
Spending cash, cash, cash.
Though my purchases seem rash,
It’s that time of year when my credit card bill swells.
All the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells.
II
Hear the song, “Jingle Bells”—
Catchy bells!
What a tale of Muzak, now, their repetition tells
As I rush to do these chores!
Countless presents, countless stores.
In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of my folly,
In a mad interpolation demanding I stay jolly,
Making my skin feel crawly
With a new hatred of holly
And a resolute desire
To shout at Target’s newest hire.
Awful bells, bells, bells.
What a tale their inanity tells
Of despair!
How they clang and ring and roar.
What cloyingness they outpour
On the bosom of the nutmeg-scented air.
And my heart distinctly tells,
How desperation sinks and swells,
As they knell, knell, knell,
All the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells.
While the stores with music thrumming, And the Christmas carol humming, While it’s barely even fall. Click To TweetIII
Hear the tolling of the bells-
The doorbells!
What a world of frustration their interruption tells!
In the silent calm of night.
Oh, carolers! I feign delight
At the sentimental blitheness of their tone.
For every song that floats
From their cozy, be-scarfed throats
Recalls my own
Forgotten joy.
Now my grown-up heart’s a stone.
I never dream of sugarplums,
Only of Amazon orders that never come.
And with all the songs about Noels,
My forced smile grows so numb.
Why isn’t this eggnog spiked with rum?
To the Salvation Army bells,
“I gave last week!” I yell.
To the reindeer with the bells,
I turn the other way and run,
And their king is he who knows,
And he “ho, ho, ho’s”
From the North Pole where he dwells.
And the jollity he compels
Never wanes but only swells!
Forget the exhaustion it impels,
I must obey the bells,
All those bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells.
Oh the jingling and the jangling of the bells.
