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All Hail NewConstitution


Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thou art a celebrity, in which case, they let thee do anything.

Article 1

I am the Lord your POTUS. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me until 2024 at the latest. And if I can get the deal Xi got in China, maybe longer still.

Article 2

No false idols. No graven images. No piñatas. No collusion.

Article 3

Thou shalt not tweet the name of the Lord thy POTUS in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain, and will ruin his failing business.

Article 4

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work without union representation, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy POTUS, and all shall golf at Mar-a-Lago. No exceptions.

Article 5

Honor thy POTUS and thy FLOTUS, for verily they love all children of the world, regardless of any messaging on the back of their jackets.

Article 6

Thou shalt not murder (potential exceptions for rage against immigrants, gays, Muslims, Mexicans, Children of Ham, headscarves, those who don’t conform to gender norms, anyone inside a Planned Parenthood).

Article 7

Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thou art a celebrity, in which case, they let thee do anything. In any case, thy followers shall maintain that thou hast repented.

Article 8

Thou shalt not steal (elections, sweetheart deals for POTUS family members, and Supreme Court appointments excluded).

Article 9

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor (POTUS and staff excluded). Thou mayst, however, conveniently forget the content of meetings with the representatives of foreign governments under oath when necessary for the protection of POTUS. Thou mayst also “ad lib” without any consideration of veracity of statements made during meetings with heads of state of neighboring countries.

Article 10

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s. Thou shalt make a deal to acquire such items at a value agreed upon by both parties. If the parties cannot agree on a price, the richest of the two taketh all.

Article 11

The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, of whatever kind, in whatever amount, and for whatever purpose, shall not be infringed (exception: Children of Ham pack at their own risk).

Hear, then, and abide by the NewConstitution.

And may POTUS bless NewAmerica!