Dreadlocks are part of a cultural identity which I don’t have the right to adopt, as a member of a privileged, historically oppressive, violence-seeking, Xenomorph-slaying alien race.
So, I always keep a few live captive humans on my starship for research purposes and well, if I’m being honest, also because it can get pretty lonely in space. I might add that these Homo sapiens represent a pretty diverse array of humanity from various ethnocultural, socioeconomic and gender backgrounds as I’m an equal opportunity Predator. I only really mention this so I don’t come across as completely ignorant as I explain my story.
Anyways, more often than not during the daily probing of my humans, they passively-aggressively comment on the fact that despite me being an alien warrior hailing from the furthest reaches of space, I have human-like “dreadlocks”. One day after I violently forced them to play Space Bingo with me, I revealed to them that for most of my 5679 years, I did not have these dreadlocks and that only in the last few decades did I adopt the stylish dread-like extensions they now see protruding from my central brain sac.
They told me that what I was doing was cultural appropriation and that I was no better than the white humans, particularly the white human celebrities that sport dreadlocks purely for the “trend,” like the human youth monarch known as Kylie Jenner.
I began to wonder if I was truly just as bad.
I mean, I’m definitely worse. Don’t get me wrong. I hunt innocent, intelligent alien life purely for sport. But I meant more in terms of whether I was also guilty of this cultural appropriation.
After some introspection, I realized they were right. I grew out and fashioned my cranial tendrils into ‘dreads’ because I thought it made me look cool. Years prior, I saw that many notable humans including the human Reggae icon Bob Marley had them and I wanted to get in on the trend. This decision was only reinforced more recently after I watched Blank Panther and saw that the apex of human physiology known as Michael B. Jordan sported them as well. Oof Killonger.
Well, I now know that dreadlocks aren’t “just for fun” to quote the Instagram caption of the also physically impressive human known as Zac Efron, when he posted a picture of himself with dreadlocks. As my human prisoners later explained to me, dreadlocks are part of a cultural identity which I don’t have the right to adopt, as a member of a privileged, historically oppressive, violence-seeking, Xenomorph-slaying alien race.
On top of that, I learned that many African American humans are still discriminated against for employment opportunities because of their dreadlocks. And for me to sport them just because I think it adds an extra ‘wow’ factor for when I turn off my cloaking device and theatrically reveal myself to prey, is unacceptable. Furthermore, I’m sure the black human community doesn’t appreciate their dreadlocks being adopted by a maniacal alien with a sphincter for a mouth.
For my insensitive actions I feel much regret. Not the violent alien predation though. No regret there.
This realization led me to contemplate my society’s previous actions even further. I was told that cultural appropriation is when a dominant culture takes an element of a minority culture after having systematically disenfranchised those same people in the past. According to this definition then, I’ve realized that any culture we Predators try to adopt will be considered cultural appropriation as there isn’t a group in this galaxy we war-mongering alien Predators haven’t screwed over and persecuted.
Even the white humans.
One of my fellow Predators, Nadine-X12-Prime has recently started wearing Patagonia jackets, eating Nature Valley and standing still at concerts. Is she appropriating white culture? If Nadine-X12-Prime was a non-white human many would say that it is not cultural appropriation. But since Nadine-X12-Prime is a Predator, who historically preys on the humans that come out of Soul Cycle and Macklemore shows, one could argue that now, her cream-colored Patagonia zip-up is culturally appropriated.
And what about my beloved shoulder mounted plasma canon? Did I culturally appropriate that from the Gorlax people of Jupiter-7 after I pillaged their civilization? To them, that shoulder canon was a religious rite of passage. And I just used it to aimlessly shoot at that California governor. I’m deeply sorry Gorlaxes.
And even the practice itself of unfairly ruling over other groups without their consent? Did I culturally appropriate that from the British humans? My bad.
I think I have a lot of reparations to make. Which is why, as soon as the Earth Sun goes down tonight, I plan to stalk the closest Supercuts human fur cutting establishment and capture a human fur butcher. I will then make him remove my dreadlocks, as my first step towards being more culturally sensitive and aware of my alien privilege.
Then, I will of course add him to my collection.
