Posted on

Bad Advice On The Sexual Propriety Of Brown People Vs. White People

Brown people are super sexual in an inappropriate way and white people are normal sexual in a regular way, as evidenced by the fact that one time you installed a toilet with your brother without fucking him.

“I am a married woman. My husband and his younger sister are of a Mediterranean nationality. Family relationships are ‘closer’ there, I think, than those in North America or Europe.

I was shocked to see my husband and his sister in our bathroom together. She was putting on makeup, he was brushing his teeth.

We were in a hurry to leave the house, but there was a half-bath downstairs that one of them could have used.

I have been in the bathroom with my own older brother, but it was to install new toilets — something practical — not to do something ‘intimate,’ that, in my opinion, is only for a husband and wife to share.

felt very ‘strange’ about this situation. Then it happened a second time. I have decided that if it happens again, I will join them in the bathroom and put on my makeup or brush my teeth with them to see if they understand that I’m disturbedby this situation.”

— From “Too Close!” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post4 October 2017

Dear Too Close!

After the Bad Advisor was sufficiently recovered from the shock of reading your letter thanks to the swift application of smelling salts and a large brandy,she found herself in complete agreement with you: The swarthy folk of the warmer climes, specifically your husband and his sister, are probably super into having improper and very likely sexual relationships with their family membersBrown people are super sexual in an inappropriate way and white people are normal sexual in a regular way, as evidenced by the fact that one time you installed a toilet with your brother without fucking him. What other explanation could there possibly be for two people to share a mirror besides this, your explicitly racist assumption about their familial relationships?

The only way to end this appalling intimacy between your creepy “Mediterranean” husband and his morally questionable “Mediterranean” sister, so blatant in their disregard for the way normal, white people — none of whom have ever shared a lavatory with anyone they weren’t actively and currently boning down on — behave is to mimic their actions precisely. Nothing will make your husband and sister think “This woman disapproves of this thing we are doing” like doing literally the same thing they are doing, when they are doing it.

See if you can’t get more folks involved, just to really drive home how weird you think it is for people to use bathrooms together! Don’t limit it to just people, either — enlist some local pets, maybe even a relatively tame raccoon or two, to join you in this game of grooming. You can be assured that your husband and sister will no longer use your bathroom together — and they may even start to think, as you do, that something “strange” is going on.

“My partner and I are very much in love and are very solid in our relationship. We are both in our 40s and 100% sure we are right for each other. However, he is unable to ejaculate at all through sex. We are trying to have a family and so the pressure is on to perform. He was fine until I had a miscarriage. He is up for going to see someone to talk about it, but I can’t imagine what help that would be.”

— From “Can’t Imagine” via “Sexual Healing,” The Guardian, 23 October 2017

Dear Can’t Imagine,

You’re right, there are not really any professional or medical resources out there in terms of assisted reproduction or erectile issues related to the trauma of infertility. Oh well!

“My girlfriend is crazy (maybe literally?) about her dog. ‘Amy’ and I are both 32 and have talked seriously about marriage. I love Amy, and she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Since the beginning I’ve known her dog is a big part of her life, and that’s fine with me, though I’ve never had or wanted pets myself.

The thing is, I’ve started wondering about her priorities. The dog was diagnosed with incurable kidney disease. He is 10 and had a good life and I expected Amy would put him down. Instead, she’s spending insane amounts of money on ‘supportive care’ (specialty vets — yes, there is such a thing — meds, supplies, etc.) and plans to keep him alive as long as his ‘quality of life’ is good. She has to give him fluids under the skin every day, cook him special food and so on.

To me, all of this is just crazy for a dog who is going to die anyway. I can’t help but think of all the worthwhile things she could be doing with that money rather than throwing it away on her dog, who, as I said, is going to die anyway.

It’s gotten to the point where she has asked me to refrain from even talking to her about this, and I wonder if this is a sign that she loves that dog more than me. Are Amy’s priorities screwed up or am I insensitive?”

— From “Wondering” via Carolyn Hax, Washington Post9 October 2017

Dear Wondering,

It’s clear from Amy’s behavior that she does not love you, otherwise she would do the right thing and kill her 10-year-old dog at your insistence. Instead, Amy is gleefully spending her own money and time on treatments for this dog in an elaborate ploy to show you just how little she cares for you. Consider hiring a private investigator to look into the matter — it’s very possible Amy gave the dog an incurable kidney disease because she longed for the opportunity to spend day after day caring for a chronically ill animal to spite you personally.Clearly your girlfriend is clinically insane, as evidenced by the fact that she has decided to treat an animal for a medical condition instead of doing all the worthwhile things she could be doing with her money, such as whatever you tell her to do with it that isn’t caring for a dog with a medical condition. Don’t spend another moment of your eternal life with this whackjob, who is going to die anyway.