Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
By The Bad Advisor
“My oldest friend and I are 17. We’ve known each other since preschool. Over the last year, I’ve watched her Instagram become pretty much dedicated to pictures of herself in push-up bras with blonder and blonder hair. It’s gross! As a guy, I’d like to tell her that her Instas make her look stupid. But my sister told me it’s none of my business. What do you think?”
—From “ANONYMOUS” via “Social Q’s,” New York Times, 7 December 2017
Ah, young master! Your sister has made an admirable attempt at using her little lady-brain to form one of those opinions with which the fairer sex is so fond of entertaining themselves, but alas: Simply because a young lady thinks something does not make it true.
To wit: This young woman of your long acquaintance thinks she is the sole and only boss of the way she looks and presents herself to the world, but she is clearly wrong, as her appearance displeases you, an adjacent guy. After all, what does this blossoming gal use her Instant Gram for, if not to entice and appeal to adjacent guys such as yourself?
There can be no reason for her to utilize the Instantaneous Telegrammatical device but for the purpose of soliciting the approval of area boners, of which you have one! Or do not, as the case may be — a problem that must hastily be remedied by this thoughtless little tart, who has so foolishly failed to fashion herself to your exquisitely refined tastes.
Do warn her that if she continues this little online charade, she may diminish your camaraderie — and with it, her access to the invaluable aesthetic judgments that you, duly credentialed as a man, so graciously offer her. If this young lady recoils at your suggestion that she modify her comportment, take heart! Allow her to take her appalling judgment and offensive visage elsewhere, leaving you to all that you deserve as a man of your disposition.
“It seems like only yesterday that several people came by and offered to cut our grass, but no one ever actually cut it. Now the snow is here, and we are unable to shovel our walkway and make a path to the mailbox.
We are getting up in age and cannot do these things on our own. Hiring a professional costs more than we can manage on our Social Security. What a great thing it would be for neighbors to teach their children to come across the road with their big riding mower or snowplow and make a couple of sweeps across our yard. We would so appreciate the assistance.”
—From “No Name, No Location” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” Creators.com, 10 December 2017
Dear No Name, No Location,
We hope that the self-absorbed nincompoops in No Location will recognize here their neighbors, The No Names, and step up to the plate when it comes to this appalling failure to anticipate and remedy the lawn care needs of people who’ve sent an urgent email to a stranger on the internet who has no way whatsoever of knowing whether the message will ever reach its intended audience or indeed who that audience even is or where that audience might even be. As a result, maybe these thoughtless area children will finally learn how to communicate like adults — through passive-aggressive third-party digs at people who are insufficiently psychic.
“I have been dating this guy for a year and a half and he’s not into making love. He’s happy if we only do it once a month and, when he does give in, he will only do the same old position. I, on the other hand, enjoy sex.
My ex (we have been apart eight years) is now in a sexless marriage. We started hooking up six months ago — just for sex — and it is awesome. Part of me feels guilty because I’m against cheating, but I need sex. What should I do?”
—From “CHEATING IN THE NORTH” via “Dear Abby,” 15 November 2017
Dear Cheating in the North,
A better question is — what shouldn’t you do? That’s easy: You shouldn’t do anything that would violate your own morals. Unless it’s cheating, because you need sex, something you can only obtain under the terms of your current arrangement with your ex. Obviously you’d really love to have sex with someone else, but unfortunately, your ex is the only person alive available for sex, and so you just have to keep having sex with him. Honestly, it would be such a relief to find someone else to have sex with — cheating really is awful! — but it’s not like you can just go out there and seek a mutually satisfying, mutually consensual, mutually monogamous relationship with someone who also wants to have sex with you instead of boning your ex and stringing this other guy along on a sled of disdain? Nope, this is your only option: Bone the ex (who, again, it’s worth repeating: is only valuable to you for sex, solely sex, just straight up sex, that is all) and keep dating this guy you resent because you don’t like the nature of his sex drive. That’s it. This is all of life!