Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
By The Bad Advisor
“If an individual sends a text message on a topic that could be considered controversial, and a recipient is hurt upon reading it, does the author owe the recipient an apology? Mind you, the author did not intend to hurt the recipient. It was the recipient’s interpretation of what was written that caused the hurt.”
— Via “Miss Manners,” Washington Post, 18 September 2017
Today’s “PC culture” has run amok with “safe spaces” which disrespect the flag instead of supporting our troops because blue lives matter!! Put a trigger warning on THAT and see how the snowflakes like it!!!! This is the United States of AMERICA not the United States of PUSIES!!! If you don’t like it u can shove it up your liberal ases because ALL LIVES MATTER and this is the land of THE FREE as in u r free to take ur Virtue signaling and LEAVE!!!! SAMPER FI, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! #2A #MAGA #lockherup #neverhilarry
“I’m a woman in my early 30s having sex with a guy in his early 20s. The sex is more than casual, and we really care about each other. My concern is this guy has some alt-right sympathies that reveal themselves in our political discussions. He’s a Trump guy, but hesitates to admit it because he knows I’m anti-Trump. He shares memes created by Mike Cernovich and Milo Yiannopoulos, he gets his news from hard-right publications, and his sister and brother-in-law are Holocaust deniers. This concerns and confuses me because he’s such a sweet guy and, honestly, so goddamn good in bed. He might be the best lay I’ve ever had. I can’t reconcile these two sides of him, but I also can’t help trying to enlighten him a little bit. One of his best features is his open-mindedness. He’s read books and watched documentaries I’ve recommended. I feel a responsibility to this young, confused, and frankly not-too-bright person who’s surrounded by bad influences. I want to be understanding and gently guide him in a better direction, but sometimes his ignorance is aggravating. I can also sense that he’s beginning to feel a little judged, which can only make things worse. I keep thinking of your Campsite Rule, and I wonder at what point does one give up throwing logic and articles at someone who thought Hillary Clinton ran a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor? Can I continue to have sex with someone who thinks the left is conspiring to turn everyone communist?”
— From “Conflicted Lover” via “Savage Love,” The Stranger, 23 August 2017
Dear Conflicted Lover,
While America grapples with the inevitable consequences of its racist past and present, made manifest in the person of Donald Trump, it’s vital that you keep trying to bone this silly confused boy into not being a huge, dipshit racist, out of the goodness of your own pure, selfless heart in the service of freedom. How gracious and thoughtful you are to continue to derive orgasmic pleasure from sexing up this xenophobe! If you think about it, you’re really doing him a favor! As long as you periodically send this helpless, struggling grown adult man who says and believes racist things some articles about how racism is bad, an idea he is unlikely to encounter literally anywhere else, you are 100% in the clear to keep fucking this super sweet guy who is sort of into genocide, but in a really sexy, maybe-he-doesn’t-mean-it kind of way. What could be hotter than suspecting the guy you’re sleeping with thinks that millions of people should be wiped off the face of the earth so that he can finally relax with his buddies in their white ethnostate for once?
And anyway, who among us hasn’t accidentally expressed an open appreciation for bigoted transphobes who purposefully incite public riots in order to empower violent white supremacists? Your precious little lamb is probably just confused! Just because a white man says, does, and believes terrible, offensive things doesn’t mean he actually says, does, or believes any of those things, and to presume that a white man is an enormous bigot for doing and saying bigoted things is itself a kind of bigotry. (You probably never thought of that!) Too often, we judge white men who proudly espouse their support for state-sanctioned murder and ethnic separatism at all costs, as if they actually support state-sanctioned murder and ethnic separatism, which is really unfair when you think about it, because white guys deserve an endless number of chances to treat other people with human decency, a chance this guy will never get if you decide you can live without fucking a racist.
You never know — tomorrow could be the day that the huge racist you love to fuck will stop being a huge racist because you finally sent him the right article about how murdering people because of the color of their skin is bad! In the meantime, a little racism never literally killed millions of people and created a centuries-old system of oppression inextricably intertwined with hetero-patriarchal capitalism in the service of upholding the white supremacist status quo. Please don’t censor this lad by ceasing to bone him. Racists must never experience any negative consequences for their actions or beliefs, which might make them feel sad and racist. Make sure this fresh-faced young Nazi sympathizer keeps his racist bone in your body! If you don’t facilitate a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with a bigoted conspiracy theorist, you’ll lose that good, good racist dick to the next white woman who values her own personal comfort more than she values the actual lives of people of color.
“Why do married couples exclude single people? I have been friends with these people since long after I was divorced. But sometimes when they get together, they leave out their single friends. We are not a threat to their relationships. Is there a reason for this?”
—From “EXCLUDED IN THE EAST” via “Dear Abby,” 24 September 2017
Dear Excluded in the East,
Single people haunt the dreams of married couples, who nightly wake up gripped with fear that an errant unpartnered individual will destroy their household. This is precisely why married couples exclude all single people — as you say, because they believe they are a threat to their relationships, the sole consideration everyone who is married gives to any guest list. Any time you are not invited to a gathering hosted by married people, it’s because the married people are terrified that your mere presence will rip their union asunder, and not because they can only fit so many people into their home, afford to host only so many people at dinner, or are grown-ass humans who are allowed to socialize with whoever they want. Every gathering organized by married people to which you are not invited is intended as a personal insult to you as an individual and you should make your offense known so that you can be sure your name comes up when these people are considering the guest list for their next event.