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Bad Advice On ‘Extremely Well-Endowed’ Exes

“I’ve been dating a woman for about five months now, and I’m extremely happy. The sex is the best I’ve ever had. But she recently said that her boyfriend prior to me was ‘extremely well endowed.’ She actually brought it up to note that it was sometimes uncomfortable to have sex with him — and made it clear that she enjoyed sex with me more — but I can’t stop worrying.”

— Via “Sexual Healing,” The Guardian, 14 August 2017

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

Unsplash/Mike Dorner

Dear Can’t Stop Worrying,

Please don’t believe your girlfriend when she tells you what she enjoys in a sexual partner, lest your relationship become about something besides your dick, the most important thing ever. Your dick is so interesting, and so worthy of near nonstop consideration — its size, shape, and texture are all extremely fascinating, and you deserve someone who is as dedicated to contemplating it as you are. Don’t let your girlfriend, the last person who would know, get away with pretending she is not actually super concerned with the literal dimensions of your penis.

Girlfriends find no pastime more pleasant than reassuring their boyfriends about how sizeable their dicks are, and yours needs to own up to this nonsense she’s spouting about how she feels about her own sexual experiences. She can’t possibly be the world’s leading authority on the quality of her own sex life when she spends so much of it concerning herself with things that aren’t the size of your schlong. Tell her that she can either start disliking sex with you right this instant and spend the rest of your lives discussing the nuances of your love noodle, or you’ll have to find a new girlfriend — one who has her penile priorities straight, which is to say, your penile as her top priority.

“I’m writing to you from Kenya. My friends and I listen to you religiously and love your podcast it’s helped us get through some really tough situations.

So my question is this: How do you know if someone has actually broken up with you and when is the respectable time to call time of death if he won’t answer your calls or messages?

Here’s my sticky situation: I’ve been seeing this guy for about four months and the relationship has been littered with ups and downs — but the ups have been really great. But this past weekend his friend flew in for work. His friend has stage 4 cancer but has decided to live up his life so you couldn’t really tell that he’s sick just by looking at him or hanging out with him but it’s there. So my boyfriend hangs out with his sick friend on Friday and we hang out with him on Saturday as a group, which was great.

Unfortunately my boyfriend and I had made plans to go to a show that I absolutely love — a show that only happens twice a year — the week before his friend showed up. My boyfriend proceeds to cancel our plans to take his friend out which really upset me because there had been a trend of him canceling our plans to hang out with his friends, which we had spoken about before. I only asked him for three hours of his time after which we could go and pick his friend up and hang. Was I insensitive for being upset at his clear disregard for the plans we previously set?

My boyfriend sent me a one line text ending the relationship the next morning and he hasn’t answered any of my phone calls or texts thereafter with an explanation or anything. Was I a horrible person for getting upset or should I just DTMFA! And move on?

Your help would really be appreciated.”

—From “Mostly Frustrated” via “Savage Love,” The Stranger, 9 August 2017

Dear Mostly Frustrated,

It is almost impossible to know whether someone who expressly told you in no uncertain terms that they are breaking up with you has broken up with you, the person they specifically broke up with on purpose! Life is full of mysteries, and one of them is whether a man who told you that he is not your boyfriend any more is your boyfriend or not. Maybe give it a few days, and if the man who may or may not have dumped you when he dumped you, in writing, still isn’t answering your calls or texts (such mixed signals!) try certified mail, or a pajamagram.

Regardless, you have every reason to be upset. Your boyfriend, who remains your boyfriend and did not break up with you after you got angry with him for hanging out with his seriously ill friend instead of going to the theater with you for three hours, really did an abominably rude thing when he decided to spend three hours with his seriously ill friend instead of you, the person he is for sure still dating. What a self-obsessed douchebag your absolute and definite boyfriend is! Stage four cancer lasts forever, but you might never have another chance to see a biannual show that literally occurs twice a year. But moreover, did your boyfriend expect you to go to this show alone, like some kind of person who is capable of independent thoughts and actions? Were you supposed to be able to enjoy an entertainment experience without your boyfriend at your side? What are you, some kind of grown-ass human capable of surviving alone for three hours while your boyfriend enjoys the company of a friend whose time on earth is almost certain to be shorter than yours?

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Hire that pajamagram and let the guy you are 100% currently seeing in a romantic capacity who doesn’t answer your phone calls or emails and who explicitly told you that you are not in a relationship together, just like all typical boyfriends, know that this relationship is DUNZO. He will appreciate the closure and finally be able to move on with the life he otherwise had fully and absolutely intended to spend with you.

“My 22-year-old son is going to visit his father and get his third tattoo. I don’t like it, but I can’t control my son. He’s an adult. His father is retired and lives on his wife’s pension. It is my understanding that they are wealthy.

My concern is for our 14-year-old daughter. My ex thinks tattoos are cool, and when he talks to her via Skype, he talks about the next tattoo he is going to get. I’m afraid that when she’s 18, he will take her to get a tattoo as a bonding experience.

His life is far removed from my daughter’s. He is surrounded by actors, entertainers and artists. Our child (hopefully) will have a rich, abundant life in an ordinary way. She is focused on her studies and does well in school because of her efforts. How can I impress upon my not-so-confident, shy child that getting a tattoo is not a good idea?”

—From “MARY IN MISSOURI” via “Dear Abby,” 10 August 2017

Dear Mary in Missouri,

The terrible trajectory of your ex’s life is almost too horrible to contemplate. Living a life surrounded by actors, entertainers, and artists — even contemplating the prospect inspires bouts of nausea — is a fate no one would wish upon even their most vile and despised enemy. What a foul and repulsive slog of an existence, to be flanked by people who bring joy and creativity to the lives of others, and who spend their time contemplating the nuances of the human condition in order to enrich the experiences of their loved ones, themselves, and their fans. Disgusting.

Bad Advice On Fighting Over Politics And Play-Acting Gender Roles

Your daughter must be prevented from obtaining a tattoo at all costs; it is the only way to ensure that she does not fall into the poisonous clutches of actors, entertainers, and artists. This kind of earthly scum is always drawn to people who have permanent ink applied to their skin, and if she so befouls her (hopefully) unremarkable body, your daughter is certain to have extraordinary and exceptional life experiences. It is imperative that she remain entirely average. May your child never speak to people who are too interesting, never eat food that is too delicious, never hear music that is too pleasant, never read a book that is too fascinating, and never see a sunset that is too beautiful, lest her life lack the rich abundance of banality you so lovingly desire for her.

Do all you can to prevent this future suffering by deriding and disavowing tattoos loudly and often! Teens are anxious to obey their parents and long to be scolded. You cannot make it too clear to your daughter that tattoos will cause her to meet actors, entertainers, and artists, a prospect sure to repulse any adolescent girl. Don’t let a day go by without ensuring your not-so-confident child stays that way by not getting a tattoo.

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