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Bad Advice On Obsessing Over The Sexual History Of Your Child’s Lover

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

“I was sexually and mentally attracted to this guy for 12 years. We used to have the best times together, then suddenly he seemed a little standoffish, though I continued to be sexually involved with him.

I find out he got married while we were still sleeping together. He had been married six months before I even found out about it.

I still love him. His wife is extremely bougie, and he is not that type. He is like me — just likes to laugh and enjoy life. He is constantly calling, telling me he misses all the fun we had and the laughs.

I don’t know what to do, but I do know I can’t sleep with him now, knowing he’s married.”

—From “Anonymous” via Carolyn Hax, Washington Post, 26 September 2017

Dear Anonymous,

Don’t be so hard on yourself! As long as this philandering liar’s wife is “bougie,” you’re totally in the clear to bang him as much as you want, because the only choice he has is to stay married to her and keep trying to roll up on you for some non-bougie relief from Bougie McBougerpants. Bougie women don’t deserve to be involved in mutually committed relationships built on fundamental trust with their partners, because they hate laughing and enjoying life, activities which you uniquely enjoy with this man, who is so interesting due to his love of the niche hobbies of laughing and enjoying life.

As long as this philandering liar’s wife is 'bougie,' you’re totally in the clear to bang him as much as you want! Click To Tweet

This guy is 100% telling you the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s honest truth about his relationship, and definitely is not trying to have a multi-tiered cake and eat it, too. He is a completely reliable source about his lifestyle and feelings, and definitely is not hoping you’ll fall for the adulterous chicanery that allows him to maintain a relationship with you and his wife at the same time. Good, upstanding people often lie to their partners about major life decisions such as marriage, because sometimes they marry bougie people from which they can never extricate themselves by getting a damn divorce.

“My 40-year-old son signed up with an online dating site. He has a 17-year-old son and has never been married. During his initial contact with one woman, she mentioned she had several kids and my son asked if they were all by the same father. She said he was out of line to ask that question!

I realize people today think one’s sexual history shouldn’t matter, but doesn’t my son have a right to know how many other men he’s going to be involved with if he becomes involved with her? How does one find out this kind of information relatively soon into the relationship? Waiting until he knows her better seems like a waste of both parties’ time if he’s not interested in someone who brings several other families into the relationship.

Relationships are hard enough when a man brings his family and a woman brings her family together in the marriage. It’s harder when the man and woman have exes. Each ex increases the level of difficulty to make the relationship work. Love is a choice, and it would be painful for my son to give up a young lady he really cared for because he found out after a few dates that a future with her involved four or more baby daddies.”

—From “OUT OF LINE IN ARIZONA” via “Dear Abby,” 25 September 2017

Dear Out of Line,

What a dear you are to take such an active interest in your large adult son’s dating life. Other parents might make the grave mistake of deciding that grown-ass men should be able to engage in romantic engagements without the assistance of their parents, but other parents aren’t you, a real-life angel who is singularly concerned with the sexual history of people you’ve never met.

What a dear you are to take such an active interest in your large adult son’s dating life. Click To Tweet

There is a threshold after which women are entirely worthless, and that threshold is “having children with four men,” an objective standard of human value. It would be an absolute travesty if your son decided for himself that he’s capable of loving someone for who they are, instead of how many sexual partners they have had, and it’s vital that you continue to monitor your son’s engagement with unsuitable sluts. Don’t let him meander into an attachment with a woman who has past relationships, which are likely to make any future relationships impossible, because no one on earth is capable of acting like a regular fucking adult without your careful guidance. Attend first dates with your son, if you can — this will send a strong message to these dangerous sluts he’s reached out to, and significantly decrease the likelihood that he’ll end up with any of them.

“After cleaning up after three relatives who have gone into senior-living residences, I would like your many readers to know that leaving endless piles of junk and money in countless numbers of banks/investments/holdings for others to deal with after you no longer can, is selfish and careless.

We are facing another such disaster soon because this particular family obviously has some DNA strand that makes them slobs, and they have no shame in saddling this miserable chore on others.

If you are growing older, look around your home and start straightening things up and purging while you still have the strength and will to do so. Consolidate your holdings and finances and leave directives to where they can be found. My own mother was very organized and meticulous but it was still a months-long task to get things in order. Other people should not have to clean up your mess just because you’d rather play bridge than deal with it. Have some self-discipline!”

— From “Sick of This” via “Ask Amy,” Chicago Tribune, 26 August 2017

Dear Sick of This,

All old people who die do so knowing, with glee, that they will leave behind a massive hassle for other people to deal with. They are all cruel and vindictive assholes who think of nothing but playing cards instead of consolidating their financial holdings to the specific liking of their loved ones. Thank you for this valuable public service announcement about how ungrateful and thoughtless old, sick people are.